What is going on here... and what do I do?

[kat727]

So you see your H isn't living in reality right now. He didn't take those bills into account even though he had the figures. Did your H every get diagnosed as bipolar? Sometimes I think MLC gets the wrap for lots of bad behavior but I do believe it does actually exist.

It hits with the reality that your life is about half over and you really aren't going to live forever. What have you accomplished? Is this all there is? Those kinds of things float through your head. I would think it would be pretty rare for someone your H's age to have those kinds of thoughts.

Don't give him an out for his behavior because if he ever comes back to normal(has he ever been?) he will have to answer for alot of this stuff.

Keep working on you. Don't sell the house unless it is something that 1) you want to do for yourself and 2)are not able to afford it and 3)are legally required to. Don't ask fishing questions. You know what those are... the ones where you try to get him to admit that he loves you, misses you, made a mistake etc. How can it be genuine when you are baiting him with what to say?

hang in there, kat

[LIO]

Kat, He didn't get diagnosed as far as I know. I haven't asked if he even saw the therapist. I'm trying to stay out of his business at this point. He's on an upswing atm, so he wouldn't be as likely to see a therapist.

Yep - H had no idea about money. His greatest idea yet is to take a class and get financial aid money (where's my roll eyes icon? because being in more debt is exactly what he needs.)

Journal for today:
H came over this morning to pick up more stuff. We were both in a good mood until 'money' came up where he got heated, of which he mentioned me signing the D paperwork and if we decide to marry again in 2 years (?) then we will just do that. He also asked me why I was fighting him. I tried to use reflective listening, and also mentioned out that h moved out, and has all his money and I didn't fight him about either of those (he agreed).

He continued on about money that his 90 day deadline from the court was in July that if I don't sign, then he wasted the filing money. I said "It's just money, it's on the credit card we both have to pay anyway." I also mentioned the shift in mood due to the money topic. He said that he noticed that. I didn't want to have our conversations always about money because of that, and now that he knows how much it is, I would like to not discuss it further.

Money is a very sore subject for him. I make more than he does and he is resentful of the fact that I can actually double my salary right now if I wanted to (He brought that up today and said: "it's nice YOU get a choice and an option to NOT do it" H said). Money isn't a big deal to me, and it is to him. I try to downplay it, I haven't moved forward in my career as I could, and I never mention the income difference to him. I did say that I'd rather be more creative like he is, and that he is in a better position than I am because of that.

H was very adamant I take his office for my work and start my business. He said that if he decides to move back in again, then he will just kick me out of there.

I joked with him about not stealing the tp and soap from the house before i rushed him out of the house.

While I want to be the fun, not serious girl that I used to be. I was trying to keep it light until he got pissy about money, then i tried to lighten it up. I can see how quickly i get a little positive signs or comments and i'm all ready for him to move home.... retreat. retreat!


I failed at not calling/texting/emailing. No serious stuff or flame mails or anything. I did mention how i see how he feels stuck in work, marriage, life, home and how sometimes distractions can seem good, but then get in the way. I said that I want him to be happy.

And Kat - yep, you are right, he does need to have to answer for a lot of this stuff. Otherwise we are right still in the same pattern. Me pursuing, him retreating, me giving up, him sneaking back in without a word. I stupidly texted/called/emailed today. Pursing habits. Need to be more aloof. I know this. I need to remember it in the moment. I will put a cat picture on my phone and computer background. Ok starting now... no calls, no emails. no texts. Deleting his contact info Again so I have to purposefully type it in the long way and knowingly know i'm breaking a rule. back on the horse. I guess of anything at least I'm recognizing it quicker.

[LIO]

Part Deux for today

Went to IC tonight. Got called out on the carpet lol. More about that in a bit.

BUT....

Tonight I did something I never did before. I went to a bar, with a girlfriend and it was karaoke night. I sang. I can't believe it. I did it! I never did that before. I thought 'well, what the hell, why not?'
I sang a Johnny Cash version of NIN's Hurt. It was awesome! I was nervous, but knew it by heart and sang it.
I loved it! Everyone said I did a good job. Who knows but it was fun and scary! I was given 3 song requests for the next time I go in: Carrie Underwood "before he cheats" (oh how I can relate to that), Shania Twain 'Any man of mine' and a duet of 'Picture from Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow (another song I can relate to).

I called H all excited about what I did. He wouldn't know about it otherwise and I wanted to show him YES I can go out and have a good time, thank you very much. Enough of me sitting at home and waiting. This LIO LEO is ready to roar.

So IC:
We talked about all the things that I have improved on since last session. Finished the book CoDependent No More. Talked about that. Talked about my plans, how I was focusing on me. I also mentioned how I was just 'letting' H go out and do his thing, and he can figure out his own path. The therapist thought she was talking to a different person than the week before. I learn fast I guess.... Anyway. at the end of the session, she called me out on something that I've heard a couple times before, but dismissed. She said that 1) my job is not stimulating to me. (I usually dismiss this but she is right, I'm bored). I'm intelligent (sure.) I use my H as a way to deal with the boredom because we play a cat/mouse game with each other (true) that keeps us occupied. And people like me are dangerous because we play with others' emotions and feelings (I've heard this before from a friend) because we like to 'see' how they react.

So next week, we discuss what to do with my brain.

I really did recognize a lot of what she was saying. I also heard my H in that too. Which is why I always said we make a wonderful team together when we are good. We have different strengths (mine is more book knowledge/business side of things/feelings his is creativity) and we are powerful when we work together. WE both do cat/mouse when we are bored with life.
I did tell H about this. I'm not try to convince him of anything about the relationship at this point, but I mentioned that I recognize so much similarities between us, which is what attracted me to him, and I know he doesn't understand why no one else thinks like that. I did admit that I did do the cat/mouse game, and that I know he does it too, and that is a waste of time for both of us. He also understood why I was so upset when he involved someone else who 'took' my place in the business.

Anyway I know he was unsure of what to say because it wasn't about 'US' in a married sense. Just our behavior in general.

My goal isn't to convince him of anything - I was just excited that there was a reason for what we/me do and next week I learn more.

[Truegritter]

My goal isn't to convince him of anything

Then why this

I called H all excited about what I did. He wouldn't know about it otherwise and I wanted to show him YES I can go out and have a good time, thank you very much. Enough of me sitting at home and waiting.

It is great that you GAL'd and got out of your comfort zone. The trouble is you still made it about your H.

Getting a life outside of H also means you do it whether he knows about it or not. He wouldn't have if you hadn't told him.

Why did you feel the need to do that?

Take your steps for you

When you walk a mile don't look behind you to see if he's following you.

It will get easier with each mile you walk.

There is a simple phrase around here:

DO FOR YOU.

When I first came here, and I think this is true for a lot of people, you think there is a magic pill or a silver bullet to this.

There isn't.

There is only you.

You could do everything by the book and your M still may not be saved because you can't control another person.

That is why the advice here is to focus on yourself.

It is really the best thing to do and gives you the best chance for success.

What is success for you here?

[RoRoinMD]

LIO, glad you went out and enjoyed yourself! Love the 3 songs requests you got. I could come and be your background singer! LOL

I'm not going to say you made your GAL about your husband. But I will say that you found a way to bring him into it when you had to call him about the good feelings you had from it. I made this same mistake in the beginning. I would do something (a 180 maybe), and would have to slip it into conversatoin with H. Then I realized, H#ll, I'm doing this for me. Forget him!

Keep doing what you're doing. Going out and doing something different and fun is important. But even more importantly is that you are doing it for YOU.

[LIO]

Truegritter: yes I did... I called him and was happy and excited that I did something I never did. I don't like that I called him to show him. Ugh. I feel ick now.

How would I define success. I would define it as me finding my confidence. Me being confident that doesn't involve others actions, words. I don't want to withold my excitement, my caring about others (but mostly not letting the 'caring' start to bring me down the codependent path). I would say me being independent would be a big change and success...

Darn you truegritter! (Nah I appreciate you!) That just voids my next post about how I feel uncomfortable with no communication!

A confident independent person would not be bothered by that.

I was waivering between calling him every few days, or letting him contact me. When he has his way, he might call or email once a month... gah.

[jbnati]

LIO,
Great job of GAL'ing. Don't beat yourself up about advertising it to your H. You know now what to do the next time. The more GAL'ing you can do for yourself, the more your confidence will build. Do it for you. It will lift your spirits and boost your attitude. You won't have to advertise it to your H - it will speak for itself as the new you will just shine through by itself.

[vera be fierce]

Hey - yeah, don't beat yourself up for sharing, it's natural to want to share that to someone like H. I also over-shared at first and now when I'm vague I get the who/what/when/where questions from H. Keep it up, you'll feel better An "anonymous" internet quote seems appropriate here - "Keep smiling - it makes people wonder what you've been up to."

[Truegritter]

I was waivering between calling him every few days, or letting him contact me.

Which hurts you more?

Not hearing from him and not knowing what he is doing

Or

When you call him and the interaction doesn't meet your expectation?

I am not here to pee in your frosted flakes(forgive my colorful expression). Having said that, I am here to challenge you.

Because I have already been where you are.

Your peers are here to go through it with you and you will gain a lot strength from them.

Pay attention to your "ick" it will guide you to the right place. If you start lying to yourself you stumble.

Start believing those lies and you're lost.

Comes a day when the pain of not detaching is greater than the pain of the loss of your H.

That is the day you will take the step for YOU.

[LIO]

Really both. Not hearing from him, and then if I do call, it's hit or miss on the interaction. Sometimes we hit it off, sometimes he cold and just self-involved.

I hate that we barely saw each other before- and it was so easy for him to leave, like it didn't matter. With my S out of town, we have no reason to even interact, and everything is in 'vacation-mode' without having to take care of S's needs, or switch off who has him. One more week of trying to not contact him. One more week before we get out of vacation mode. Not sure how interactions will go.