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Good morning friends! I'm sitting here crying for no particular reason. I just need to get moved on. I'm feeling like I am pulling the bandaid off one hair at a time. And why H continues to be so pleasant is confusing. Yes, I know he wants something. Most likely for me to just twinkle my nose and make the house perfect. He has painted and painted.

I was asking him about things in the house that he might want. Nothing, he wants nothing. (Okay a few things, but the rest is mine. Lucky me.) All our CD's, he doesn't even want copies on his itunes. All the photos? He hasn't asked for one. The 60+ books on sailing we got when we were going to retire and sail around the world? Get rid of them he said.

So my current plan it to remove all things that are personalized with his name on them, and put them in the attic with all his awards and decorations and stuff he used to keep in his office. That was one strange thing he did several years ago. He brought home all his "I LOVE ME" wall stuff and piled it in the attic. He took in a few large vases made by our talented potter son and that is his only office decorations.

I always wondered why he would do that. He is a bonified war hero, Distinguished Flying Cross and all. Seems like he is hating on himself a bit.

Anyway, guess it is time to end this pity party. The neighbors are building a little guest house up behind their house. It looks perfectly into my lanai and family room. One of their workers is a big child. He wants a lot of attention, and when he doesn't get it he sings loud and talks loud. Just now I looked over and he was stanging on top of the hill right by my yard and looking into my house. He quickly turned and walked away when he saw me.

I'm going to have to fire up my own music and get some work done.

PS My kids each got me a gift. Something that hasn't happened ever before. My H never took them out to buy me stuff. He barely got me cards, always with that "It's just a Hallmark holiday line." Of course this year I told the kids that they were setting bad examples for theeir kids, and that when the time came they were not going to like how it felt.

I always took the boys shopping and we always got their dad cards and presents. Usually one from me and ones from them. And of course I sent his father and mother cards for those days. (His parents are deceased now, so that isn't a worry)

I feel stupid lately, to see how much I was giving to H and how when little tiny crumbs of affection would come my way I would be so happy.

Yesterday morning I went back to bed after feeding and walking the dogs. H came to my bedroom door and asked did I want an omlette. Usually he does that about once every three months. We are up to every two weeks now. Go Figure!


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
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Wendy,
Pack the stuff up and when the house is sold and he is moving, make sure those boxes go w/him. Right now, he doesn't want to be bothered w/any of those things because they are reminders of the good life that he had.

I'm sorry you are having a downer today, but cry as much as you need to in order to get it out of your system. You'll find that after each bout, you'll get stronger.

Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I don't know why you would have to pack anything of his. Let him do it. If he won't, throw them into a big box, put it in the front yard and let bulky items pick it up.


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Aw, Wendy. You're allowed these moments. You are going through the worst situation of your life. It's no picnic, except maybe one from hell. I also gave more than I ever got from H, as far as, events are concerned. Whatever ... his choice ... I won't beg for anything from him ever again ... he won't get much from me anymore.

Sending positive thoughts your way.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
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Quote:
I feel stupid lately, to see how much I was giving to H and how when little tiny crumbs of affection would come my way I would be so happy.


The trick is, in your NEXT relationship, not to settle for someone who doesn't give you back as much as you give.

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kml,
I agree w/you 100% w/respect to being in a relationship w/someone who gives back as much as you give.

Wendy, I do hope that you are feeling better. You are going to have ups and downs for quite some time and it's better to cry, scream, or whatever than to try to hold it all in. You are a beautiful human being who doesn't deserve any of this mlc crap. No one should have to go through this and I can almost guarantee that if the shoe was on the other foot, your h wouldn't be as kind as you have been...


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Ha HA....... I'm playing Sonic Tap 70's hits and Donna Summer"s song "Enough is Enough (No More Tears)" just came on. Made me laugh.

Thanks for the words of encouragement, you all are great!


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
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BTW I want everyone who is holding me up right now to know that I very well enderstand that you each have gone through your own personel crisis with this to be able to stand so firm and give such great advise.

I am going to start working out at night again. So my H can't keep trapping with his sweet watch TV together and just pretend like all well crap. I prefer morning workouts, but think I should do as much as I can in the house while he is at work, then leave when he comes home.

We had the grandkids until well into the evening yesterday. My DIL got off work about 5 hours later than she planned. Darn silly people taking their mom's out to dinner! And my H was holding the younger girl (Almost 3, but a tiny little thing). She took her nap on him.

I must have seen him kiss her on the head 30 times! I know he is thinking long and deep about where we are headed. And I am just keeping my mouth shut. Like one of you said, sit quietly and the answers will come.

I don't see us getting back together, but do see him having moments when he just has to be thinking about how we got to where we are. The other day he was holding our youngest dog and standing out by the pool looking at our most amazing view.

Deep in thought...... Anyway, I just need to keep staying away as much as I can. Because when he does talk R talk to me he really blames everything on me. And I know I have my part. But he has his part, too.


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
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My XH left almost everything too. He only took parts of "us" that I kind of made him take (something I made him and one small photo album). The rest? 23 years' worth?? Left it with me.

I packed it up and put it either in the attic or under beds.

Now that it is a few years' later I actually become annoyed when I come across it by accident.

I've started to throw things out. I haven't gotten to photos yet, but I've pitched some previously meaningful things. And it hasn't hurt in the slightest.

Today I threw out this arrangement I had made of every wine cork I'd ever saved that represented a bottle he and I drank at some event, home or on vacation. My screen porch is being renovated tomorrow--and it was hanging on the wall. I had to clear the porch out for the workers--and then I just had it in my hand and thought, honestly, it means absolutely nothing anymore. I walked it right out to the trash. No problem.

I think a lot of times we tell ourselves things about what "they" take vs. what "they" don't and we are always ALWAYS guessing.

Don't waste your brain space on any of it. The only thing that concerns you is what YOU want to keep. If you want to put it away, put it away. If you want to throw it out, throw it out.

GO WITH YOUR GUT and you will not be betrayed by your own feelings.


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Wendy,
When my xh walked out, he took only the clothes that he required for work and a couple of casual outfits. My mother and I spent one entire night packing up his stuff and placing all of it in our detached garage. I sent him an email at 1 in the morning and advised him that he needed to come and pick up his belongings as soon as possible. It took him several trips to just get his clothes and things of that nature. After I had contacted a lawyer and had a draft separation written up to xh's specification, that's when it hit him that he wanted other things such as his baby/childhood photos, my key to his blazer and yes, the infamous plastic easter egg. When he finally came to my home with two deputies, I had a whole lot more stuff for him to take because he was not going to get another chance to come back into the residence. He was even asking for things that he had tossed out or donated to Good Will. The deputies thought he was nuts and he sure put on the nutty appearance for them.

Whether you pack the stuff up and put it somewhere or toss it, I can almost guarantee that he will be asking for stuff 1, 2 and even 13 years down the road. My xh periodically still asks for things and I advise him to go back and read his divorce decree. They are truly nuts and don't have any concept of time and what the consequences of their actions create not only for us, but them as well.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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