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#2240594 - 04/25/12 01:51 AM Got the mother load of data from WAH today
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96

I am not sure how to link my 1st thread to this but I wanted to start a new one with amazing amount of information I now have.

We had a 2 hour meeting with our C today to discuss the timing of my H's move, and how to tell the children. In the middle of the session he brought out a typed paper that was to express to me and our C how he had felt in the M. I am not proud that this is how my H of 10 years felt, but I want to do my best to address everything on the list.

here it is:
"As I have been working on myself, I realize that I do not express my feelings. I have been reading a lot. Other people feel similar to how I feel. This is how our relationship made me feel.

Society holds a reverse sexist attitude regarding emotional dynamics. Men are too embarrassed to talk about the hurt, pain and confusion they experience as a result of the way that they are treated.

I censored my thoughts and feelings. I was afraid of your emotional reactions, so I swallowed my hurt and anger. I did this for so long that I didn't know how I felt until we started therapy.

Constant Criticism. No matter how hard I tried nothing ever felt good enough.

Controlling.
I felt manipulated and controlled.

Dr. Jekyll and Ms Hyde.
One minute you are kind and loving, the next your flipping out.

My feelings don't count.
I usually never expressed my needs and feelings, but if I did they were minimized or dismissed.

Questioning my sanity. I began to wonder if I was crazy because you put down my views and then deny things you say or do.

Distorted version of reality.
Re-writing the past to make me the bad guy.

Walking on eggshells.
One misstep can set you off.

Close but not too close. One of the feelings I have felt was that as we got closer at times, you pushed me away.

You're a loser, but don't leave me.
When I finally got to the point when I couldn't take it anymore, thats when the tears, bargaining and threats started."


Our therapist read it aloud. After she finished, I looked him in the eyes and I said "I am sorry, I can see how you felt all of the things. I didn't mean to hurt you." He started crying harder than I have ever seen him. I felt so sad watching him and know he has been stuffing his hurt feelings for so long.

I feel lucky to know what it is that I need to work on and how he feels. I am going to stop thinking of him as a WAH, instead as a really hurt man confused

As we were walking out he says. Ok, let's figure out the finances now that I am moving. I was upset. I reacted mildly, then asked if we could do it later this week because I mentally trying to process our session still.

He came over for dinner and the four of us ate together for the first time in a very long time. He was saying things to the kids like, "In this family we wait help Mommy clear the dishes after dinner." Family. Family. He said family.

Ok, I am going to keep reading the list he gave me as religiously as I follow the 37 rules, but if anyone else has any input or pointers that would be great.
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2240601 - 04/25/12 02:46 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 4731
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2240605 - 04/25/12 03:56 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: Cadet]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
ffi (and others), this is a really good example of the dynamic that goes on in our sitches...

From day one, I'd often have moments of wondering if I was the LBS... or if I was actually the WAS...

I can't remember who it was that mentioned recently, that the words LBS and WAS are really just labels to give a perspective of the person here (working through the sitch) and the other spouse (who appears not to be working through the sitch)...

At one point a week or so ago, ncl made a comment to one of our members how the spouse was using classic "LBS script"... this almost appears verbatim how many of us feel about our (alien) WAS / MLCer...

If that's the case ffi... then why don't we find our spouses on these boards that the LBS seeks to get through this...?

Own what ever you feel is yours to own from what your H laid out, ffi... no more... and no less...

And from this point... work on that... and move forward...

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#2240612 - 04/25/12 07:01 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: ~ kd ~]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
hello ffi,
i think your approach to him ("really hurt man") will help you both. having compassion for him will help you protect his feelings and that will help you with you interactions with him.

just my opinion (and i'm not a vet or expert here).

great counseling session!
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2240622 - 04/25/12 09:27 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: scaredsilly]
labug Online   content
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7796
Loc: Sonoran Desert
My H said most, if not all of those things to me.

And yes, they are hurting and hurting people hurt other people. I have worked hard to change those things about me because I didn't like that version of me.

But the "Really Hurt Man" was also a part of the equation, and as KD said, own what is yours, no more, no less.

Great insight.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2240637 - 04/25/12 10:34 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: labug]
someguy1233 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/10
Posts: 377
I'm far from experienced at this but just finished reading both your threads. You're a strong person. smile
_________________________
M31 W32
S2
T8 M2
3/2012 ILYBNILWY
5/2012 Reconciling
6/2012 - 10/2012 No follow thru
10/2012 W wants out. Her A
1/2013 - 3/2013 Happy
3/25/13 She struggles to be faithful. I question where I'm going

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#2240638 - 04/25/12 10:36 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: labug]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96

Cadet- thanks for putting the thread there- how do I do that next time?

KD- thanks for your input. I do own many of those actions, my IC and I had actually discussed them in a private session where she had me do some introspection. I want to work on them for myself. I wanted so much to avoid becoming my mom ( a weak, sad victim) that I became my Dad. This is important information for me to have moving forward, so I don't repeat this pattern anymore.

SS and bug- In a weird way, it is so much better than "the script". I never loved you, I am not attached to you, etc. That I have no personal control over. My overbearing actions I do. It was actually such a relief to have reasons for the first time. He is passive aggressive so he has never ever said anything like this.

It is a positive step, because I do own a lot of those actions. He needs to get that out and hopefully in time he can own his contributions (withholding affection, never giving an opinion).

At least now I have it from the horses mouth, what I need to do to be a better person. Not to keep him, but for me to work on myself. I don't want to pass these traits on to my kids.
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2240639 - 04/25/12 10:37 AM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96
Thanks someguy blush I am working on it, really working on it.
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2240719 - 04/25/12 02:21 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: fightingforit]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1594
I think its great that your H is actually working on his feelings. Obviously he surpressed his emotions for years but that letter is a start in him getting his feelings out. Give him the space he needs to get through the feelings he buried. Atleast he is working on them.

Is he in any individual consulting?? Keep going to the other C together even if its only to talk about moving.

I see a lot of hope. He has a lot to work through but he is admits that he burying his feelings that is a huge first step.

Validate Validate Validate
_________________________
----
M 37
H 34
D3,D2
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Served 5/2/12


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#2240767 - 04/25/12 05:58 PM Re: Got the mother load of data from WAH today [Re: BklynMom]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2080
Ffi,

That's great that H shared that with you. Immediately read "How to improve your marriage without talking about it" if you have not. That was written for your sitch.

That said, don't be too hard on yourself, I'm sure you have your own catalog of hurts and unmet needs. Focus on what to do going forward versus deconstructing what's happened.

Peter
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Good Piecing 9/11 - 6/12
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Piecing Again 9/12

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