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labug-

i have heard that and never thought about it like that. lol.. my life is so messed up. im sober now and cant be with my wife..uughh. the irony. guess my butt will stay in a chair. work on myself. i wonder when i can date again. nobody ever tells me that. maybe she will want to come back to me. that would be a dream come true


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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maybe she will want to come back to me.

Get yourself back and then you can work on that.

It just might happen.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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thats the hope. i feel a little bit better setting boundries. not so much like a doormat. my running is goin good. i feel better when i do that. sleep still doesnt come. maybe it will. i do want myself back. i miss myself. i know i am not a bad person. no matter whatmy W says. she will see changes in me. whether she likes them or not..we will see. im still miserable everyday. i feel some peace at my aa meetings. that is good. im still so confused


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Just like no one could fix you (and I'm sure they tried) you can't fix anyone else. She has to walk her path.

As you have to walk yours.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 714
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yes, people tried to change me. i always did a little changing, but not all the way. i now know what i need to do and am taking the steps to get there. i know i cant fix my W. she has to do that. my fear is that she isnt going to do that. i know its a fear, not a sure thing. stinking thinking. i am so worried all the time. i am detaching. i know that. i dont know if im doing it in a good way. i keep having the urge to go see a lawyer. i dont know why. i am GAL. i am not pursuing very much if at all. if i txt my W during the day, its about the kids. i dont ask where she is going or where she has been. when she tries to tell me, i tell her i dont care. do whatever you want. thats probably not good, its how i feel though. that scares me. fear is taking over my life. fear and apathy towards her. i dont like it. i want to stay married but am having a really hard time staying positive.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 714
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today i have my chance to really detach. my W is going to her parents for the weekend and not takin the kids. i dont think she is even going to say goodbye to them. i plan on no contact at all. if she wants to talk she can call me. i am going to have fun with my kids. S has a baseball game tonight. that will be fun. if she doessn't want to be a part of our life its fine. it is her loss


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 714
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well, W never said bye to the kids. she called around 8 and i just gave the phone to the kids. we went to S baseball game. it was fun. she didnt tell him good luck or ask how the game went. oh well.

this morning D5 was asking where mom was. i told her. she then asked why mom is moving. i told her cuz we dont get along. she asked if she has to live with her. i told her yes, every other week. she started to cry. she doesnt understand and it breaks my heart. she is a daddy's girl. im feeling really crappy right now.

havent contacted W. dont plan on it. dont even know if she made it there safe. i wonder if she will call the kids tonight. more and more i feel i am going to turn into a WAS. is that possible. can the LBS do that. or is that just plain and simple, giving up? i dont know. i dont see alot of hope for my family. i am going to be the best dad and person i can be. i really dont think it will matter to my W. i feel like the family i know can be great again, never will be.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Mindreading never works and usually makes things worse because you can come up with all kinds of negative scenarios.

Think about what you can do, because she will do whatever she does. You have no control of that, so let it go. You know the Serenity Prayer, use it. Often.

Work on you.

About your kids, I hope you told them that mom and dad having difficulties is in no way their fault. Kids will sometimes feel that they are the cause. Let them know that mommy and daddy love them no matter what. Everyday!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
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I'm not sure if this has been addressed elsewhere (if I missed it, I apologize), but I wonder if some IC with you and D5 together might be helpful for you both to help her deal with the stress of change? It could at least help you gain some tools to deal with D5's emotions.

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bug-

the serenity prayer is something i say about 10 times a day..lol.. accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. my W, myself, my M.

in regards to the kids. i tell them in no uncertain terms it is not their fault. they have done nothing wrong. it is between mom and dad. i also encourage S9 to talk to me about anything. he has a little. he is scared. i told him it is ok to be scared. im scared too. no matter what i will be here for him. i tell my kids i love them a couple times a day.

does giving up actually work. so far i havent reached any of my goals. maybe cuz i didnt detach soon enough or in the right way. maybe my goals arent small enough. there has been no improvement in my M that is for sure. i wrote the list for my W the way you suggested. havent given it to her. kinda want to wait till she does mine. i dont know.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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