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"what does going dark mean? what is the benefit?"

Go back and read DR.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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i have read it. it doent make sense to me. i am a moron i know. just looking for a different perspective. i think i get it, but im not sure. and how does it apply knowing her LL? or does the LL not matter right now? i am just confused.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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In your case forget about LL. You only apply that when you're in better footing. I don't think your W stealing your stuff counts as better footing.

LR means that you agree to our wife's demand that you D. Then you just drop the subject. It doesn't mean that you agree to D, it just means that you understand her reasons and her WANTING TO D.

You let her do the work, but you check your side so that you're protected.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 714
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so i understand what she wants and stop talking to her? no communication if its not about the kids right? we r not on good footing, you got that right. what is the possible benefit though? i am sorry, i am not seeing it. i think i have a better handle on detachment. is that part of it? man, i feel stupid


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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You're not stupid, it's just that most of us don't learn this stuff as kids so it's like learning a new language.

Right now the 2 of you bring out the worst in each other. How can you build a new relationship in the midst of that. You need to get away from each other and start to heal, see if you miss the other person or do you just miss the drama.

This takes a lot of patience, don't expect results in a week or 2 or even a month or 2.

Are you up for that?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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i've been up for it for 5 months of in house separation. now it is the real deal. i am up for it, who knows about her. i sure dont. none of this is making any sense to me. i am understanding detachment. i am stating to practice it. why? i dont know.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 714
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so last night went horrible. finished up the separation agreement. lots of arguing. it was miserable. i think stuff is over on her end. she said she has hated me for 2 yrs. i dont know if that was the hurt talking, but it still hurt.

today was a crappy day at work. my S had his spring program. there was two times. W wanted to know what time i was going so she could go to the other one. didnt want to be with me i guess. he did good tho! made me smile.

went to an aa meeting. that was nice. now i am home and she is in a bad mood. there are boxes all over the house. this isnt fun.
any advice would really help. or feedback


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Be as cordial as you can around her. Don't let her foul mood get to you. She hasn't taken any responsibility for the things she's done wrong and instead chooses to blame you for everything.

While things definitely weren't great on your part, I'm sure she wasn't a total saint during the whole stretch of your marriage either. The difference is that you're trying to correct those things within yourself that were wrong. She's not.

Let her stew in her own anger. If she starts attacking you again. Tell her again, very straightforward that you have apologized enough for the things you've done and you are in the process of never being that person again. On the points that she is exaggerating, tell her that she knows that's not true and she should take some personal responsibility as you have.

Then walk away. You deserve a certain degree of respect. Time to start getting it back.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 714
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wow..that is a good idea. and it makes sense to me. that is actually how i feel. i dont know how it will go over. does it really matter? i dont think it does. i do deserve some respect. i am seriously trying to be a better person. and you are right, she hasnt been a saint. she is a good person at heart. wbatever is going on with her rigbt now is preventing that wonderful woman from showing. i know she is in there somewbere. maybe i will never find her again. maybe i will.

forgiveness is somethin i need to do. it is proving to be very difficult. i am hurt and mistrustful right now. i still am hopeful though


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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