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#2242421 - 05/02/12 10:57 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Boundaries are put in place for a reason, to protect you. If she can't abide your boundaries that's her choice but you have to be ready to enforce them.

A failure doesn't get up and try to make their life better, they stay on the ground and cry victim. Doesn't seem like that's what you're doing.

Kids need stability and to feel safe. Make that happen.

Did you grow up in an alcoholic home?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2242440 - 05/03/12 12:57 AM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: labug]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
labug-

i did not grow up in an acoholic home. my parents are still happily married. i have good values because of them. they are my only support right now. my W is from a divorced family. in my opinion her M and SD don't show much for love and support. same with her D and SM. she is always trying to prove to them how good she is. they are fully in favor of her leaving me. her SD has said he is going to shoot me. 2nd time that has happened.
\
tonight was miserable so far. kids told me they are happy mom is kicking me out. all because i asked them to clean up their mess. goin to my aa meeting.. aagghhh. at least i will have peace there
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2242444 - 05/03/12 01:19 AM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10953
Think about it this way. When you were in the thick of drinking, you didn't care about what other people thought. You just wanted your fix. And when you didn't get it, then you would fly off the handle and get pissed at anyone who would get between you and the bottle.

Now your wife is where you were. She was/is addicted to someone else and is pissed that you stand between her and that. Her actions probably mimicked alot of your own when you were at your worst.

Put yourself in her shoes. When you were at your worst, what (if even) could any one have done to get through to you? Use that knowledge.

If you feel that there's nothing that would've made you turn around and that only you could make things better, then you also understand what your W might be going through. Use that knowledge to reach her.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2242474 - 05/03/12 03:18 AM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: MrBond]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
bond-

thank you. that is a good way to put it. i have been trying to put myself in her shoes. it took me losing eveything to see what i was doing. i believe if my wife wouldnt have took off her ring, theres a good chance i would drink again. i thought she was done becausse of my drinking. then i find out about the OM. i think my drinking is a big part. i was never abusive or spent money we didnt have on it. i was just not there emotionally i guess. i drank because i didnt like myself. then i didnt like myself more, so i drank more...vicious cirle. i want her in my life so bad. it hurts to see what i have done. it hurts to see her hurt. i really love my W with all my heart. i dont know what it will take to show her. especially with no puruing.

she asked me tonight to write down the things she has done to make me unhappy. do i do it?
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2242513 - 05/03/12 08:55 AM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10953
Yes. But also ask her to write down her list.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2242562 - 05/03/12 02:11 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: MrBond]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
It might help to write it in a format that isn't blaming and gives her cause and effect.

I feel__________________when you ___________________.

I feel afraid when you go out and drink until all hours.

(I don't know if that's what you feel, this is just an example.)

Be honest.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2242681 - 05/03/12 09:37 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: labug]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
labug-

i that is a good way to put it. i dont want her to feel blamed. i will do it that way. i have asked her to write a list for me. about 1.5 weeks ago. i am so confused over how i have hurt her. i know the emoptional stuff. alot of what she blames me for i feel is the things she does. half the stuff she yells at me for, i have never done. maybe its the way i approach things. idk. thats why i asked her for a list. she has been telling me i should just know. i dont. it makes me feel like a moron. maybe she will write it for me tonight. who knows.

today was ok i guess. i think about her all the time. i didnt contact her. i think that isnt working well. she likes to be pursued. i have done the love dare 1.5 times. she told me it just pushed her farther away. i dont know what she wants/needs from me
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


Top
#2242704 - 05/03/12 11:47 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
She probably doesn't either.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2242722 - 05/04/12 01:02 AM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: labug]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
labug-

i kinda think the same thing. i dont understand what is going on. im gonna stop trying to. im going to trust in god that stuff will work out.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


Top
#2242776 - 05/04/12 04:00 AM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I'm sure you've heard from you sponsor or elsewhere that when newly sober it's a bad idea to get into a new R. And that's what you are trying to do, get a new R with you W.

You may not be able to do that now.

Keep putting you b#tt in a chair.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
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