Thank you Cadet! I have moments where I really wish I could tell H everything that I've learned or share with him what I was feeling when I left (because I think that might help some of the anger/pain/resentment that he hasn't even admitted to having)but I know it's not the right time
Part of my biggest worry is that if I don't ever pursue he will just drift. It's part of his personality. His mom even said he's so laid back he's horizontal. I forced the split and then later he said yes it was a good thing. But he was happy to drift in that unhappiness. I worry that now he has a GF he will just drift into a serious relationship (which according to him they are in), drift into living together even marriage. I know that's me thinking 8 or 10 steps ahead. I have verbalized this to him in the past and he just says it's all about timing. I worry that without any sort of pursuit on my part if/when he does have those feelings he won't act on them. I know paranoia.
I have lots of theories about his R with GF but I feel like it's pointless to even spend time considering them. Whatever the nature of their R it doesn't change the right here right now that we are not together and in his words from Thursday "if something changes in the future then great"
I have moments where I really wish I could tell H everything that I've learned or share with him what I was feeling when I left
DO NOT share any of this information with him, it is your secret weapon. I have gone down that route and it only has hurt me not helped.
As far as pursuing and distancing, I could say two things. The Solo Partner book describes many different relationship traits and who is the pursuerer and distancer in each trait. In general men are sexual pursurers and emotional distancers. Women are the opposite. DB/DR says DO WHAT WORKS! 180 what does not.
So I would suggest you read DR first. You seem to have agood handle on what is happening but it is way too soon to EXPECT anything to change.
And one of my mantra's is to have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Hi Brit, So glad Cadet has stopped by. He has so much wisdom.
At first, I would take the positive conversations w/ W as a sign that things were changing... and sometimes they would and W would want to try to R... but the timing was not right, her change came more from guilt and things I said which made her think versus her really feeling the desire to R from within her. Hence, it never lasted.
She needs this journey to find herself. It may or may not lead back to me, that I realize. I felt like you did about your H. that she will just drift, that is her nature. But I have learned that I have to let her drift and not keep trying to change the tide to bring her to me. I hate it though, it is not my nature to drift, I am a doer and I feel so frustrated by this lack of control... I read/plan/love to think/stretch/solve.. Waiting...not doing anything...UGH
But I am learning.
And you are doing wonderfully to be so new to this and so patient and insightful!!
((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Grace (I can't call you NG anymore we both know why) Enjoy your SoCal sunshine. Have a wonder GAL day enjoying yourself. Big Hugs as always! I really like your analogy about trying not to change the tide. You're so right. All you have to do is still be that happy stable person on the shore. Sister I am right there with you about planning and solving. I'm putting that energy into other projects. I'm undertaking revamping my garden and doing some diy'ing. So all my planning and researching can be on projects not people!
Cadet thank you so much for pointing me towards that book. I did a search and found some exerts online and this really jumped out to me:
Quote:
Consequently you initiate conversations, ask questions as well as seek and offer advice. Stop. You are not his maid, physician, counselor or savior and right now I am sorry to tell you, but you are not his best friend--at least not regarding active friendship. You enable your MLCer to avoid facing his fears and feelings when you provide these services
I don't think he's an MLCer but this is the best argument I've seen so far to not bring up any convos about reconcile or the marriage.
I don't think he's an MLCer but this is the best argument I've seen so far to not bring up any convos about reconcile or the marriage.
I am quite familiar with the quote that you wrote down and the articles associated with it are tremendous. Solo Partner is NOT an MLC book, FTR. It is a relationship book. And the author was a very good marriage counselor. There is more information about that book associated with the forum there. That I can highly recommend you read. It will give you all the traits. Whether they are pursuit or distance ones for each person. They are copied directly from the book. Hope that helps.
I will eat up anything you can recommend in terms of online articles etc.
I have ordered quite a few books that should get here mid week so I'll be up to my ears in terms of reading things in hand. But as I'm laid in bed recuperating so reading material is fantastic.
What are your thoughts on if they haven't pursued after 4 months that there's no love there anymore?
Also based on what you've seen on my thread do you think he's cake eating or getting his fix? He does come over usually about once a week, we hang out and watch tv. Since I decided to LET GO (ie be friends not pursue) those visits haven't been as regular. I wasn't as available. I was travelling. I did cave once and say feels like I haven't seen you in ages and he said oh I'll come by on Wednesday. So we do see each other once a week on average.
What are your thoughts on if they haven't pursued after 4 months that there's no love there anymore?
That could be one of the symptoms and not neccesarily the disease. However your thread is full of him pursuing you. Stop EXPECTING this to be FIXED quickly. It does not work that way. Let me know when you find the other post that I recommended.
Last night I slept the entire night through. I haven't done this in a while and I'm so so happy. I woke up feeling good. No crazy dreams about him, no waking up with anxiety. Just sleep.
I am reading that thread that you posted earlier in mine. It's a lot of Q&A so gleaning what I can and learning from other's questions and mistakes there.
Just in case you are wondering what mindset represents what may be going through your husbands head, look up a guy named Athol Kay. He recognizes that strength and independence is sexy to women and gives advice accordingly.
