I'm a WAW who wants back

[Brit45]

Sorry GB I should have warned you I'm a bit direct.

Well he came by tonight and was very very caring about my condition. Told me he'd done loads of research. He was supportive and really wonderful. I teased him a bit when he said don't worry a few weeks and you'll be beautiful again. He replied you've always been very beautiful I married you and I said you're still married to me and we both laughed!

While he was here GF texted him. He said hmph. And I said what? anyway he started to explain and then said sorry should I continue? He told me about their day out on Monday and I was very very calm and collected and fine with it all. I did not mention train station-gate! Another time in the future we'll laugh about it but not now. We talked before about me leaving behind the resentment now that I wasn't seeing her as an OW, it's really strange but if we were to R I don't see myself ever having to "get over" this R. When he was talking about it, it was as if he was talking about hanging out with one of his friends. I mean sure he does stuff with her he doesn't do with his friends, but the idea doesn't make me want to vomit. And I don't really think about it. In the same way I don't think of any of my other friend's bedroom activities.

The visit was good all in all.

I did wrong and brought up the change of heart. He said I don't know how to put this but as far as I'm concerned our romantic relationship has come to a close. I said I know...but I just thought I should reiterate that, well, I know if I were in your position and and the person who ended it and moved on quite quickly suddenly said we should get back together, I don't know that I would trust it or that I would believe that the change would last after a few days or a few months. He said I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to lead you on. (after he first moved out I was very upset and accused him of saying we'd possibly work on things and then doing something else) I told him I know, in the beginning I probably put you in a bad place and jumped ahead in my expectations. He said I just don't want you to be hurt. If something in the future changes that's great. But right now...I just desperately desperately want to be your friend. I said I agree...worst case scenario you're my best friend for life.

One thing I was worried is that since I had told him I had let go a month or so ago he might think I no longer had feelings for him.

positives: he complimented me a lot. He gave me a big hug at the end. When he took a phone call he told me it was his mother. I'm guessing he wanted to make sure I knew he wasn't taking a call from GF.

So I'm doing my own version of Going Dark: I'm going dark on R talk or any talk of the M.

Posting my friend list everywhere and taking care of myself.

[Brit45]

Talked to my best friend tonight and she said so you didn't mention anything? nothing about seeing her car or anything. And I said no. She said I was so scared you were going to say something.

I told her I didn't even have the slightest urge to say something. it wasn't like it was stewing underneath and I was holding myself back. If I did say something catty, bitchy, jealous, angry whatever then it would make this whole "she has feelings for me" dilemma pretty easy for him. He would think she's being crazy if she's acting like this we'd never work.

I think looking back on my life if I wasn't sure of an outcome and it meant I would be in that "uncomfortable zone" I would do something to force the outcome even if it wasn't in my favour. I would rather have something settled even if it wasn't what I wanted than wait it out. Is that self destructive? Is that controlling? I don't know but I'm not doing that anymore.

Forgot to say that this evening he felt like this (my feelings) put him in a weird place. I understand that this would be easier for him if I were being a crazy b*tch or if I had moved on and he didn't have to consider options. But that's not being honest. During that conversation I never said so how do you feel about that or is that something you'd consider or do you ever see us getting back together. I simply said I want you to know how I feel. I know you don't want to hurt me. I understand if you feel like you can't trust my feelings because I don't know if I would and yes I want to be your best friend. I'm proud of that conversation.

In other news you'd think he's signed up for a boy scout badge first he volunteers to do all this medical running around for me and tonight he volunteered to drive 100 miles round trip to pick up a piece of furniture if I win it on ebay.

I can honestly say that I feel like a massive shift has happened. Even in my R conversation with him, it was totally different. Discussing his time with GF totally different. I feel so much more emotionally stable dealing with him. I'm not thinking that I want to act a certain way or say a certain thing because it might make him think of R or find me attractive or whatever. Just being me. Letting him be him. Accepting this new relationship we have.

[vera be fierce]

Discussing his time with GF totally different. I feel so much more emotionally stable dealing with him. I'm not thinking that I want to act a certain way or say a certain thing because it might make him think of R or find me attractive or whatever. Just being me. Letting him be him. Accepting this new relationship we have.

That's most of the DB battle right there, brit! Keep up the good work!

[Brit45]

thank you verab754! I ordered DR and still haven't read it so happy to know I'm already a step ahead!

I saw RoughSeas post in my thread and it made me want to comment about something.

She seems to have thought she could have the best of both worlds... continue to rely on me selectively for her emotional needs, lean on me financially and as "co-parent" while she goes out and seeks my 'replacement'.

Some people have said that my thread is unique because some H's who were LBS's will want to get inside my head as a WAW. I just wanted to say that I never thought I could have "the best of both worlds" It seems like a lot of the anger that LBS's have at the fact their relationship ends doesn't include in them looking at it from the other's prespective. And although WAW don't look at it really from your's either the difference is they aren't looking at you at all. They are focusing so hard on NOT looking at you or the relationship, drawing a line on it, shutting a door, moving forward because if they stop for a second to look the guilt and sadness might make them change their mind. And it was really tough to get to the point to say those words.

So yes we GAL super quick and then possibly look at things a little bit later.

However I don't think (I can't speak for everyone) that anyone maliciously thinks I'm going to have the time of my life and use him to do it!!

[totallydevoted]

And although WAW don't look at it really from your's either the difference is they aren't looking at you at all. They are focusing so hard on NOT looking at you or the relationship, drawing a line on it, shutting a door, moving forward because if they stop for a second to look the guilt and sadness might make them change their mind.

Wow Brit...thank you so much...this is exactly where my W is, I jut know it. I know she cares for me still but is so afraid to let that guard down and care again...because in her head she just knows that it will lead to despair. I can only hope that she can understand that things really aren't tha bad...we don't have the biggies...infidelity, abuse, addiction, etc...we just aren't great on the small things.

I draw inspiration from your posts...I undertsand better. You go girl...I can tell you are on the right path, don't get discouraged. Again, stay on this path and the worst that could happen is that you and your H are best friends for life.

[greenblue90]

Brit
I think the key difference is that you want him back. I think his attempts to stay in your life, and his down playing of his GF are a big deal. I'm surprised GF hasn't thrown a fit yet. His actions are definitely encouraging. A general guideline I advice is to return 85% to 90% of the love and affection he gives you. This serves to give him encouragement, but also to let him realize that something is missing, and he better snap out of it.

If anything the one cake eating is him. I do think you are right in keeping the drama low, and agree that any rash behavior will just push him away.

That being said I think he is more conflicted than anything. His actions show it IMHO. Give it time, stay friendly, and fun.

[Brit45]

Aye Aye Captain GB! Friendly, fun, giving it time.

As far as GF throwing a fit, I have no way of knowing any conversations they have. I have no way of knowing how much he tells her about our communication or involvement. I do know that when she texted him last night he looked at it but didn't reply. This is a big change from even a few weeks ago where he would text her back .02 seconds.

He says the "romantic" relationship is over but I will say that hug when he left wasn't how I'd hug a co-worker. I'm sure he is conflicted. Having GF allows him to not have to think about the conflict. He's a one woman man. Always has been so in his mind he rationalises that he can't consider me as an option because he's involved with someone and it's bad timing.

I am happy with working on the friendship and being a good friend. I want what's best for him and I want to know him for the rest of my life because I like who he is. We always used to joke that even if we split up we'd end up retired in a beach house on the Gulf Coast. And even after we split we laughed about that...we'd still retire together. It hasn't been mentioned since GF but I'm hopeful.

[needgrace]

"They are focusing so hard on NOT looking at you or the relationship, drawing a line on it, shutting a door, moving forward because if they stop for a second to look the guilt and sadness might make them change their mind. And it was really tough to get to the point to say those words.

So yes we GAL super quick and then possibly look at things a little bit later. "

Hi Brit,

Thank you so much for being open about your WAW experience. I feel like this describes my W quite well. It is so helpful to hear your perspective.

I love your positive attitude and the way you are able to respond and not react to your H. ((( )))

((( )))

[Brit45]

almost burst into tears (shut up I'm sick and emotional) at a text from H today.

I'd told you all that I'd initiated 90% of our communication in the past two weeks. After he left yesterday I texted him to say that the cream was working wonders.

Today I was working on space and patience! He texted me a very long text with a link to wiki about one of "our" jokes after it came up in convo. He even used my name mid text.

I never said posted about this before but ages ago pre 180 he accidentally sent me a text meant for GF. Then he tried to play it off that it was meant for me. We had a massive argument in which I said do you know how long it's been since I'd gotten a text from you that was that long, that well written, that thoughtful or witty and he said I could say the same for you.

THIS was exactly the sort of text that I'm talking about. Something happened, he thought of me, he took the time to explain it all to me, find a web address and link it in the text, and make a joke about it to me.

Now this has happened once before. I asked him to email me the acct details for bill paying and when we emailed me he put in this massive paragraph about watching a film that he thought was shoot em up was actually a love story and he found himself crying. My reply was long and detailed and interesting and funny and I got no response. I'm learning. 80% like GB says! He's taking a step I'm not going to sign him up for a marathon!

anyway today is all positives!

[vera be fierce]

What a great positive text, brit! Just remember not to scare off the squirrel Good way to think about not signing him up for a marathon when he shows baby steps. Can you imagine how long it would take a squirrel to finish a marathon??