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A person does not have to worry that a good friend will forget about them.

A good friend may go away for a while, but they know where we are and will connect when they can and so desire.

A good friend is also OK with us calling up at any time to chat and just catch up. Or at least taking the call and making the time to catch up.

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I havent replied in a while because I've been wrestling with the question of how can you win him back. Or rather had i found someone else how could W win me back. I've ran the scenario multiple times in my head, and can't come up with something good.

Then it dawned on me, W would have a hard time because I'd be a "hurt nice guy".

Let me tell you some of my story. I was desperate to keep W by my side. I was also fed the lie that of you absolutely do everything to please your W she'd stay by your side forever. I gave up 90% of my hobbies, went to great lengths to not make her jealous, and ALWAYS agreed with her. W had a way of passive agressively questioning everything I decided on, and once I did decide she'd get mad if I didn't agree, or get huffy and disappointed if I did. It really was damned if you do damned if you don't.

She thought she wanted a sweet, husband that would put her and her wishes above himself. The type of man that would ALWAYS be there.

The problem is that the type of man that can be this 24/7 is also insecure and weak. The type of man that is so desperate to keep his relationship that he will tolerate outrageous behavior and demands in order to keep her happy.

A wise woman once told me:

"I want a guy that can stand up to me, because I know he'll stand up for me"

I think you were expecting your husband to stand up to you, that's why you would constantly test him. When he failed again and again it made you lose attraction.

To make things worse you knew he loved you, and that he was loyal to you.

Did you ever feel like he was with you because he couldn't do better? Maybe you thought this at the subconcious level?

Could it be that your rediscovered love for your husband, is really you just wanting something you can no longer have?

Again not being spiteful just trying to put myself in your husbands shoes.

I realized that before gettin married I didn't have a hard time getting a girlfriend, I had a hard time keeping them. The problem was that while single I was strong, confident, self assured, once I got in a long term relationship I became needy, and weak. It was a cycle I kept repeating.

I mention this because your husband as you said is regaining his independence. (which you find very attractive). Unfortunately so does another woman.

So the question then is:

Can he maintain this new independence with another woman? Or

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Sorry got cut off...

Or will he make the same mistakes again? Meanwhile GF has a blank slate.

So let's say he's still a "nice guy" then he probably resents you, because he gave you all and you threw it away. He probably hopes this new girl appreciates his "nice guy" persona. If this is the case odds are she'll eventually leave for the same reasons you did.

Or let's say that he has done some introspection and is seriously trying to be strong and independent, then chances are that he fears you'll break him like your broke him in before, or that you merely want him because you can't have him anymore.

You have to reassure him that you will respect, encourage and appreciate his independence.

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Ok cut off again

The way I recommend would be to wait till you two can interact again in very friendly terms, cozy up to him and let him know hat you find his independence very sexy, and that you had no idea how attractive it is to see him take charge, maybe even tell him you regret not encouraging more. Then prove it with actions. If he stands up to you or someone else, then reward him by showing him you are attracted to that.

This way you can encourage him, and reassure him.

Ok finally done!

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Brit45 Offline OP
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This has made me pretty sad and I'm going to need to think about my reply. You are very right on a lot of points, but I want to address one now.

Do I want what I can't have?
No. I can say this 100%. I have done a lot of soul searching on this during the early change of heart/panic attack days. The answer is no. I've looked long and hard about I ended it. There were more issues than the passiveness, such as my lack of trust, lack of vulnerability and communication on both our sides, his depression, I didn't listen, I didn't have hobbies, we didn't have dates. I could go on and on. There was quite a bit that left both of us feeling left out of the other's lives.
To decide that I want to save my marriage was not a fly by night decision. I knew that I have done huge damage to our lives and his heart. I was/am ashamed to tell some people in my life that I now feel this way because it does seem like "oh he finally got a gf and now she wants him back"
We actually discussed this and he said is said it seems like a cliche but maybe that's why it is people do start to think about things differently when the other is gone.

In our last R talk he said that he didn't trust himself not to turn back into the old person he was around me. That I have "too strong a personality" I know that feeling that you are worried someone will bring out a part of you you don't like. Which is why I feel like space, patience, friendship is all I can offer. Me talking about it, asking where he's at or wanting more answers just creates that same old dynamic

Maybe I did completely ruin our chances by ending it. But neither of us would have this growth if I hadn't had the courage to say it was over. He was never going to do that. He told me that a million times, I'll never leave you, things get bad I'll just hang out in the garage. That didn't reassure me it made me paranoid that I could be in a R with a man who didn't love me but stayed anyway.

He may resent me. He may be angry with me. He may think I'm being unfair. I can only continue to build a trust by not acting rash unreasonable or demanding. I am working on myself, staying single, and trying to put myself in his shoes.

If your W showed this type of change (not seeking male attention, not overly pursuing you, dedication to inner growth) how would your opinion change?

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Please keep in mind my intent is not to be a jerk. I'm also not trivializing your decision to leave or return. I know it was VERY hard for my wife to make both decisions.

In my situation I made one thing very clear to my wife. I was not going to tolerate the relationship we had before. Since we have been living together all this time, I have practiced becoming more assertive and independent. Of course I had the benefit of being able to go at it slowly and steadily.

As for your last question, my W and myself have grown a lot in last year, and she is indeed moving in the direction of what you mention. I am happy very happy, yet I do have to admit that I do hold some resentment. I think it will pass, but some days it angers me to know how much pain we had to go through to get where we are. It is very hard to trust, because I gave her my all, once before. It just turned out to be not a flavor she wanted. Even though I'm happy I switched flavors, if that makes any sense, there is some resentment over her not accepting the original flavor. It's hard to trust, and give 100%. I imagine your H may feel like this. He's trying to protect himself. That's why he's asking for time. He may not even be too thrilled about the other woman, but it's an excuse to avoid facing the pain.

I do think you two have a chance, but it will take a very long time.

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Brit45 Offline OP
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GREENBLUE I know you weren't trying to be a jerk. but sometimes truths delivered in the nicest way are still hard to hear.

I've had the strangest day today. I should tell you all I'm dealing with a health condition that's causing me to be emotional and fatigued. H and I were texting about it this morning when I sent him pictures of the rash. He said multiple times that he was in near tears seeing it, was there anything he could do, etc. He then joked that even though I had that rash on the plus side my abs look great.

He was referencing that pj picture I sent on Monday so I took that opportunity to say "I felt a bit out of line sending that picture ....I want you to be happy. For the record my change of heart wasn't a flash in the pan but let's not talk about all that. thank you for your offer it means a lot. I'd love to have you by my side at the appt but it's not fair to rely on you like that. Of course I'll keep you updated"

He told me again he was near tears. He had no idea it was so bad, was I just soldiering on etc.

Then he offered to go pick up a prescription for me and swing by with it tonight.

So we texted pretty much all morning.

After a mix up with the doc/pharmacy: they faxed the wrong thing, he spent money on pills I already had, they wouldn't refund him. I was sitting at work in tears.

He texted me and very firmly said feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to change anything. Don't worry about the money. I would literally spend my last pennies if it meant you weren't in pain. If you want this medication you better start making calls now.

Taking a page out of GREENBLUE's book I replied "yes sir. you're hot when you give me orders." no response But I did text him the outcome and apologized a million trillion times for all this craziness. I said that I never want to be a source of drama in his life. He replied oh well at least I'm all set if I get a skin infection.

So thoughts? how many of the 37 rules did I break? Or do the rules not apply to me since I'm a WAW?

positives: I never asked him for anything. I informed him of stuff and accepted his offer to help.

I shouldn't have apologised so much but I think part of me feels like I don't have a right to his help after all this happened.
I know that his LOL is acts of service so his offer to help was his way of showing how he cares.

GREENBLUE I agree that the GF may be an excuse to avoid facing the pain. He couldn't have healed in the two weeks between him GAL'ing and meeting GF. But I'm not looking for reassurance about that relationship or attempting to trivialize it. He said many things about her that made me think he wasn't crazy about her, but I can't beleive what I hear. I think he sess it slightly different. He's said that when he stopped being himself I stopped liking him. I *think* he sees himself as "switching flavours" during the relationship. And to be honest I did the same thing. When he met me I was independent, confident, loud, interesting, exciting, I gained a lot of weight after changing careers and when I became myself again he'd switched flavours. He's said that if we were to get together he doesn't want to spend time looking back he wants us to get to know the new people we've become and build a new love story. At the time that idea made me feel like he didn't value what we had, now after reading this I understand that's what needs to happen.

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oh and sorry for the mega long posts!

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Brit...I wish that my W was having your same feelings right now. of course, we're 2 months in and it took you 5 but man, I miss her. I'm wondering if this is how your H was feeling 2 months in? My biggest fear is that since I've been GAL that I will eventually do what your H did and find OW. I do NOT want anyone else other than my W and it makes me ill thinking about being with OW. But, I'm also not going to stop living if she continues to announce this being over, especially if she follows through with D.

As a man...although I'm a bit jaded right now, what you are doing would thrill me...but I would have that hesitation to trust. However...you still need to focus on yourself and stay "detached". You can keep it friendly without addressing R. Now if he brings it up some time in the future that he's thinking about the R and is considering R than I would think then it would be okay to react...but still keep it "friendly" at first to make sure he means it.

I'm a bit in the same boat...if W and I do R...how will I be able to trust her not to leave again when things get a little rough? I hope I get the chance to find out. eek

Obviously, I'm no expert and I'm here mainly to support you so my 2 cents may not be the correct advise...but you are a WAW and your insight is really helping me to try and figure out what's going on with mine. Hang in there...we will all get through this together...no matter what happens. Stay positive (I know...easier said than done) and continue to focus on yourself...it seems he's noticing at least and to me, it appears he likes it...he's just still confused.


Me:44, W: 39
D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs)
M:17, T:21+
Bomb:3/18/12
W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12
Separate since bomb
Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12
No talk of D since mediation
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LOL I can't believe you said that!!! I'd be floored if my W ever admitted that much that she liked me taking charge.

In our relationship she gets a little twinkle in her eye, and acts postively delightful when I show the right amount of assertiveness. It's like she can let her guard down, relax, and even be girly knowing that she has a strong man by her side.

You calling him hot, and playfully playing like that must have probably gotten his head spinning in a good way. That's good, tone it down for now, unless he shows that he wants to hear more. (you'll know because he'll take charge more.)

Call me simple, but I think us men if we like a woman and she rewards our actions with interest we'll keep doing them again and again.

I think guys want two things from our partners to be desired sexually, and to be appreciated for who we are. (or in this case for who we are becoming). I think if you can meet these needs for him, no woman in the world has a chance.

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