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I had a rough night last night. Couldn't sleep woke up multiple times. I don't snoop on him. I did in the past (enough to know I'm MUCH prettier than OW but he told me that before I'd seen a picture of her) and it just made me a bit paranoid and crazy. However he had liked a status on a mutual friend's FB page that made me think possibly he and OW had gone to an event that day. Anyway, I woke up several times in the night, unable to sleep.
I'd had a glass of wine that went straight to my head and debated sending him all sorts of texts from angry to sexy.
This morning I almost sent him a picture of me in satin pj's he bought me years ago but I hadn't been able to fit in. I've lost almost 40 pounds. Just to say look at me...
The upside is I did NOTHING. I remembered the rules to live by or whatever they're called. No matter what you feel, how much you're hurting etc, don't let them see that. So I didn't text, I did nothing.
I am also trying to make concious effort to not make joint decisions without asking his opinion or give him the responsibility.
I'm not gonna lie I haven't heard from him since Wed night and I miss him. We were in much more contact the week before but I think I was the initiator. I think LRT/going dark or whatever is needed. But of course I do worry that then he'll just drift and never come back.
I have read and reread greenblue's advice. It's hard to know ways I can make him feel loved, approved, desired, and that I find his independence sexy without pursuing or chasing?
I don't know if I did the right thing or the wrong thing.
I intiated a text with a picture (wrong thing)
he told me how amazing I'm looking and asked how much I'd lost so far (good thing? he could have just ignored)
I said thank you told him almost 40 pounds. Made a joke about the pj pants I was wearing in the photo (that he'd bought me for xmas 6 years ago and I hadn't worn in ages) had asked about him and missed him. (mentioning missing equals bad thing?)
He said he was very happy for me although he was sure I didn't need to hear it from him. That I should be really proud of myself that 40 pounds was no small feat. Then he said to tell those pj pants another time he was on a train into the city. (good thing?)
I texted him another joke. I was sure at this point if he was going into the city he was going with OW possibly even for his sister's birthday. But that's ALL mind reading speculation.
I did tell him that of course I want to hear it from him that I like knowing what he thinks.
During this communication I was myself that he liked when we met: strong confident sassy. I *think* he responded positively. I know that the 180 says to detatch compeletly but his personality is very passive. I told him that if I knew he was so upset in Jan when I was dating then maybe things could have turned around then...I just thought he didn't care. I worry if I detatch TOTALLY he'll just think she's geting along fine she doesn't need/want me.
I think I've joined this way too late. I think I reconsidered way too late. I think I've fooling myself into thinking there's hope. he has moved on. OW tagged him on FB (which meant I saw it) that they are together in the city. I guess seeing it was something different. I should just leave it all alone. I'm making a fool out of myself waiting for him to find me interesting again. I am so absolutely done. I've "hid" him from my timeline so if anything like that happens again I won't see it. I want to puke. I feel literally sick. I had figured they were together but seeing it...I don't know. She doesn't post or comment on his FB so it had been real easy to ignore. I've been posting on here for days and it takes forever for mine to be updated. I just don't think DB will work now. I think I left it too late. I'm trying not to cry. It's hard
I had a very long talk with a good friend of mine. After seeing OW's car parked at the train station...meaning they took the train from my station and I had crazy thoughts ie what if I had run into them. So happy I had a headache this morning and took a later one than usual. Without knowing anything about DB my friend told me I need to cut off contact. I needed to not know. That he was having the best of both worlds: contact from me, knowing I was there plus his freedom and new relationship. I would love to hear anyone's thoughts. I know that I am lacking in patience. I know that I am hurting. I am not doing anything a 20 something year old me would have done: left notes on her car, texted him abuse, etc. I said and did nothing.
My sister saw the post on FB and checked in with me to see if I was okay. She was proud of me for doing nothing. She agreed I needed to give it space especially if he was texting me while with her.
I thought up all kinds of things I wanted to text him. Notes I wanted to put on her car. At this point he'd commented along with one of his coworkers on the FB post. I feel like he's throwing it in my face. I feel like I was more respectful. I know that all of this is more from his LACK of thinking about me than his actual thinking about me.
Right now there is no way to tell if you've waited too long. For the past year, I was just hanging on and trying to show that I'd changed, but didn't do the LRT. I'm now trying that, but it was a shock to see one of H's FB friends have a pic of the two of them as her profile pic. That's how I found out about OW just a week or so ago. I'm not sure if I tried too hard, or started detaching too late.
Just keep trying to GAL and follow the LRT. Right now he is trying to go out and see what fun and excitement he's been missing. Maybe it'll all blow over, but you have to keep busy or it will drive you crazy. I know, because I've been waking up at 3am for the past week, wondering where I've gone wrong.
M-35 H-33 M-5 T-7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2, done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/3/13
I've been around this place for a few years (though just recently returned to work some post-D crap out for myself), and it might make you feel better to know that I personally have a few friends from this BB who have had successful reconciliations. That being said, you might want to check out the posts of a friend who used to post under the name of Nickel - 2005/2006 timeframe. She was a WAW who divorced and had a similar path as you. Once you read her stuff, let me know, and I'll fill in blanks on what happened long after she quit posting here. Hint, she and her XH are happily remarried with a 2 year old daughter now...
But there was a lot she had to do and think about until that happened a couple years down the road. And for those of you who might be quick to judge Brit, you really ought not to. Nickel's H told us and his family that without her kicking him out and divorcing him, he would have never seen the urgency to work through the issues that led up to her making that big decision. He had a long term R after his marriage, and no surprise that the issues that dogged their marriage carried over to the next R... Their marriage now is very different than their marriage pre-D, and she did a lot of soul searching and work to get to that point.
The part you're not going to like much is that she had to realize that no manipulating was going to get him back. He had to do it on his own terms... and when he was ready, she didn't play games and entered his life as his friend. The rest, as they say, is history. I still consider her one of the best friends I ever made... and we keep in touch.
It's never too late, sweets. But you have to let this work itself out on his schedule now.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I've felt a bit like I'm threading water with no hope of reaching shore
The sleeping thing kills me. Your's is 3am? Mine is 2 and 5:30!
I agree with you Betsy. He told me that it wasn't until he started doing things for himself that he felt like life wasn't just happening around him. He agrees that he wasn't happy even though before he used to say he was. He is recognising where he lost himself in the relationship and he doesn't trust that it won't happen again.
My therapist did tell me to work on the friendship. Saying that it sounds like we still care for each a lot and that there is a friendship. She said worse case scenario you have a friend for life best case scenario you're better partners than you ever were before. I don't know if being a friend is the best idea or going dark. For my sanity I think LRT I feel like I am doing all the giving then getting kicked in the face when I'm reminded he's choosing a new relationship over us.
Not manipulating not over thinking not attempting to control the situation is a massive 180 for me.
I will look at Nickel's story I am comforted by the fact that he isn't saying there's no chance just that it's timing and we have to both be happy then see if the spark is there.
I have started reading Nickel's threads and they are bang on exactly me!!!!!!
I feel the exact same way "I either want him all the way in or totally out of my life" feeling lost and unhappy before you left and now that it's over. Him wanting her to be happy and feeling guilty over his R!
Thank you for pointing me in this way I feel like I'll get valuable insight from advice given to her years ago.