So I stumbled on this website and decided to join. Here's my story.....
We hadn't been happy for a long time. I think at some point I resigned myself to this is how life would be. Then I decided I didn't want that. Our marriage was sex starved. He was always tired. If I was the aggressor I made it weird. I talked to him about counselling and seeing a doctor and he didn't want to do that. I began to see a therapist on my own. He said several hurtful things and basically said that we didn't really have problems that I was making a big deal out of nothing. Later he said that he would go to counselling "or anything else I wanted" I told him that I only wanted him to do that if that's what he really wanted to do. I think I was pretty much decided at that point. It was the hardest thing to do to say that it was over. We lived together for about 4.5 months in separate rooms. At some point I pushed for him to move out. He was upset saying that I was trying to get rid of him. I told him I thought it was needed for us to move forward. About a month before he moved out, he went on a date and began to see her. He started taking care of himself, playing sports, drinking with friends, making plans to move out etc. At first I was happy for him. Then it upset me and I didn't know why. We did sleep together once. I don't know what I expected but he went out with her again and told me that he did really like her. I kinda had an emotional breakdown. I had felt like he had become someone and was never going to change and now he was. Over the next few weeks before he moved out I told him I wanted to try again, he said that he needed to be independant (I actually agree) and that he couldn't do this on my schedule that our relationship had gone wrong because he'd done everything he could to make me happy and lost himself. (I agree with this) We had so many conversations about our relationship, places we went wrong, things we should have done differently. We both said things that I think it the past we would never have talked about rationally or admitted/apologised for we would have just been defensive. He told me that he there may be a chance for us in the future but we needed to both calm down. I was an emotional wreck and started therapy again. He said that perhaps in the future we could go on dates etc. After he moved out there were a few episodes where I was very angry "How can we ever have a future if you're dating someone else" him "You can't put a timeline on this or make me sit at home. I did that for months while you dated" I have now come to see things from his side. If the minute I'd stopped being depressed and starting looking after myself and he wanted to come back I'd be a tiny bit resentful. (he hasn't said that) I am no longer bringing up the relationship ours or his new one. I've been doing that for about 3 weeks now. He says that it would be a shame if we ended because we have a good story. I said that it would be a shame if we let it pass by because of "bad timing" He said that everything is timing. We've both said we'll always love each other. He said that part of him will always want to get in pants (a massive change from the non aggressive man I'd been married to for years) He said that he feels like if we got back together if he moved in tomorrow that it would be amazing for 3 months than back to the same thing. That I have a strong personality and he doesn't want to be that person. I said so you don't trust yourself to still be you? I said don't you think the way we've communicated the past few weeks we'd do that in the future and make sure we didn't do that again? I told him that I don't want to be that person again whether it's with him or in another relationship. I've been concentrating on just being his friend. And we are friendly. We text. He came over last night and we watched our favorite tv show together. I've learned a lot about myself that didn't help the relationship: I didn't trust him...always wanting more ways to prove he cared. I was controlling or at least over the top planner. I always thought 3 steps ahead. I told him recently by the way I never thought you'd move in right away I thought we'd date and see what happens. He said but that's what you want in the end. I said I don't know what I want I'm not thinking 3 steps ahead anymore I'm seeing what happens. (which is usually how he lives his life and it drives me crazy) A) from everything you guys have seen on this board is there hope? B) from a man's perspective who has had a WAW what does it take for you to trust them again....(I asked my therapist I just want him to know that I'm not that person anymore that I have grown and I have recognised things that went wrong. She assured me that's what I was doing by giving him space, letting him be independant/responsible and not making any demands)
i have a WAW wife. i want to trust her again more than anything. she would have to prove she is trustworthy tho. and i mean with her actions. she is leaving cuz she needs time away from me. that sux but could be good. in her time away she can show me whether she is changing or not. her behaviors will show it. then maybe i will trust her.
While you identify yourself as a WAW, some of what you have written sounds like the dynamic is similar on both sides.
Of course, we are only hearing your side and there is no way to know if your H is testing (or even taunting) you or actually means what he is saying. We do have a saying around here, "believe none of what they say and only 50% of what they do" and I suspect this might apply to your sitch, for you. ie. It will be his actions, not his words, that are likely to show you his true intentions.
Did you agree to be in an open M when the two of you split? You say you were happy for him when he started dating. Why was he dating while the two of you are still M?
Please pick up the Divorce Remedy book written by Michelle Weiner-Davis (which is a follow up and kind of a second revision) of the original Divorce Busting book. It is possible that you may want to look at the Last Resort Technique and also follow the 37 rules that is passed around here which began as a "note to self" by a member named Sandi2.
Sandi2 was a WAW and I suspect she may come around to your thread soon. Whether she finds this thread or not, other members will be able and willing to support you through this.
Remember, you know what it was like to be the WAW... if your H may have become a WAH (which is possible and might have been triggered by his trauma of you detaching from him), then you have some insight into what he might be going through and also you are now getting some insight as to what the LBS goes through... use your experiences to remain empathetic with your H...
And we also say around here... stick around, post often, listen to what others post to you as it may help, do the work... fix the things that you feel you may have done that were your responsibility to the break down of the M and become an even better person in the ways you feel were your good attributes... by doing so, you become an even better person and one which hopefully... only a fool would leave...
heartbroken I am trying to figure out what changes he would like to see in me and remember what faults he in found in my behaviour and how I can correct those.
Kaffe thank you so much for your insight. During one of my angry outbreaks I did say there's no way that you can mean what you say that you want us to work out when you're pursuing a quite serious relationship. His behaviour says that he enjoys spending time with me (when it suits him), that he's enjoying lots of time for his hobbies and special projects, and the attention of OW
We had agreed that we were definitely getting divorced and it was fine to see other people. Actually now that I think about it. I may have decided it was fine to see other people and never really had a discussion with him about it. He was never upset or expressed the smallest bit of jealousy or sadness about me dating. It wasn't until after he was seeing someone that he admitted to me that it tore him up inside that he cried all the time, but never let me see it.
I'm not sure what taunting/teasing is I will have to look into it. And I will get the book.
It is true that I remember how I felt in the beginning. Guilty that he wasn't moving on and was sad/depressed/hurting. Thrilled that other people still found me attractive/interesting/fun/worth their time. A bit Giddy at everything single life could now offer. Relieved that I was no longer responsible for his happiness.
I had decided that we had become two differnt people (something he's said lately) and that would never change. But then it did/has. Even small things like him making a doctor's appointment for a condition he never did anything about. For myself I have lost almost 40 pounds (I gained about 55 in the marriage) I made a list of things I want to do/try: hobbies, clubs, restaurants. I've become a pretty great cook. He was really impressed the last two times he came over and had new dishes that I never made when we were together.
One of my biggest fears is that he won't make a concious decision about our relationship. It will always be matter of timing and going with the flow. The fact that he's called his new relationship serious to me and she's the FIRST person he met makes me think he's not really making decisions just taking an easy route.
I remember being quite determined like I had blinders on. I was scared as hell and hurt and being determined that divorce was the right thing to do made things a bit easier. It wasn't until I'd gotten used to the idea of being single again and then saw his behaviour change that it shook me up.
I told him that I didn't think about us in the beginning I just stayed really busy. Took on extra projects at work, went to loads of events, spent time with friends. He said you're right. He said he's been keeping himself busy right now and it's true. Sometimes he send me pictures of things he's made lamps, clocks, etc which must have taken hours.
I have read the 37 rules and I am attempting to 180.
Hi brit If the following comes out a little harsh I apologize, I usually post I sitch I can relate to, and this one has it in spades.
I guess where I'll start is that while you were a WAW you shattered your husbands view of "happily ever after". This is not necessarily bad, but it is a stab to the heart.
For him it's hard to trust you, for better or worse he let his guard down. This means he probably got lazy, and stop doing the things to keep you engaged, it also means that he had stability and security. Your leaving shattered all that for him. He probably felt he could lean on you, and probably nearly fell on his face once you removed yourself.
In my case it rocked my world. I learned a hard truth, in that you can never take someone for granted. It sent me into a self improvement binge, much like your husband. It also showed me that all relationships are replaceable. My W actions shattered a lot of pretty fantasies and showed me some hard truths. I imagine your H went through this.
Now I'll say again that I'm not mentioning this to be spiteful. I think there's a silver lining to all of this. You showed your husband that he was replaceable, as he is doing to you. In a way that innocence is forever gone, and hopefully in its place is the realization that relationships are hard work. You may never trust blindly again, but that's a good thing, because neither one of you will be blindsided again.
You must work hard to keep his love, and he must do the same for you. You can gain comfort and trust from knowing that you two care enough to keep working hard.
IMHO this could be a good opportunity to relearn how to appreciate each other. Rediscover those silly little dating things that gave you two butterflies, and look for ways to keep reigniting those feelings again and again.
You mentioned you were controlling, and he seems to lately be bucking back. Let him take charge, better yet reward him for it.
Guys already take enough crud from the world, make him feel loved, appreciated, approved and desired. Let him have control over his life.
I got lost in my marriage too, the things he is doing are good. He needs to take control of his life, if you find that sexy he needs to know!
greenblue that's not spiteful at all. That's EXACTLY what I wanted to hear from a man's perspective what he might be thinking or feeling.
At the moment there isn't an opportunity to cherish or rediscover what brought us together. He's seeing someone and says that we can't just set a date to decide to work on things. That he's living his life and once we're both happy if there's that spark then great we'll go from there. But as I said before he's said that he doesn't really trust himself not to get lost again.
It is true that while my greatest worry in leaving is that he would be alone and unhappy, the idea of someone else now having him as hers really really upset.
I have started telling him thank you and that I appreciate things even when they are small. Or things that before I would have just thought was his "duty" or "job" to do. He volunteered to cut the hedges and do some handy work around the house. I told him thank you I want you to know how much I appreciate that. I've tried to acknowledge anything I see him doing that shows he's been thoughtful. I even made a point to tell him how happy I am that he let me keep the dog.
Hi brit If the following comes out a little harsh I apologize, I usually post I sitch I can relate to, and this one has it in spades.
I guess where I'll start is that while you were a WAW you shattered your husbands view of "happily ever after". This is not necessarily bad, but it is a stab to the heart.
For him it's hard to trust you, for better or worse he let his guard down. This means he probably got lazy, and stop doing the things to keep you engaged, it also means that he had stability and security. Your leaving shattered all that for him. He probably felt he could lean on you, and probably nearly fell on his face once you removed yourself.
In my case it rocked my world. I learned a hard truth, in that you can never take someone for granted. It sent me into a self improvement binge, much like your husband. It also showed me that all relationships are replaceable. My W actions shattered a lot of pretty fantasies and showed me some hard truths. I imagine your H went through this.
Now I'll say again that I'm not mentioning this to be spiteful. I think there's a silver lining to all of this. You showed your husband that he was replaceable, as he is doing to you. In a way that innocence is forever gone, and hopefully in its place is the realization that relationships are hard work. You may never trust blindly again, but that's a good thing, because neither one of you will be blindsided again.
You must work hard to keep his love, and he must do the same for you. You can gain comfort and trust from knowing that you two care enough to keep working hard.
IMHO this could be a good opportunity to relearn how to appreciate each other. Rediscover those silly little dating things that gave you two butterflies, and look for ways to keep reigniting those feelings again and again.
You mentioned you were controlling, and he seems to lately be bucking back. Let him take charge, better yet reward him for it.
Guys already take enough crud from the world, make him feel loved, appreciated, approved and desired. Let him have control over his life.
I got lost in my marriage too, the things he is doing are good. He needs to take control of his life, if you find that sexy he needs to know!
I thought I would post my timeline of feelings for people who are looking to understand their WAS behaviour:
When I was the WAW I was in shock that it was actually ending that I'd said it out loud. The realisation that my marriage was over. And I felt really guilty that I'd ended it. That maybe I'd given up. So I just kept looking at any of his behaviour to reassure me I'd made the right decision. Anything he did wrong was like validation for my decision. This was for the first 5/6 weeks
Then I was angry about things that I'd never mentioned before. It felt really theraputic to say and you never did this and I always hated this. Just to be able to say things I'd put up with before. This was between 3-6 weeks.
10 weeks in...Then I missed him, his company, his sense of humour. But when we got together old things that upset me were still there. (because he was hurting I think)
14 weeks in Then he detached, GAL, and we began to have better conversations about our relationship. That was also the time I had a change of heart coupled with insane emotional outburts which I think just put us back at square one.
I can now see it in reverse. IE my emotional outbursts only validated his feelings that we needed to just detach.
He told me that he thought I was much further down the road to him (in dealing with the breakup/separation) and I said I wasn't so sure, that I had buried my head in the sand in the beginning and didn't think about the relationship.
One thing I've already learned from this board and from relooking at how I felt when I ended it is that if they aren't ready to look at your relationship, think about reconciling, then NOTHING you do will change that. There will be a time I think that we all look back at our relationship with new eyes and go over it and think could things have been saved. I have to hope that I've grown enough (and not done anything crazy to screw up chances) that he'll think yes there's a possiblity we can work on this.
