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#2237940 - 04/14/12 06:24 PM Re: Hoping my marriage can be saved :( [Re: Maggie3]
Maggie3 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/12
Posts: 157
My friend was telling me how she's been juicing and feels great. Heading to treat myself to a juicer. It's $$$ but I deserve it! My husband is on a health kick. He's coming here Monday while I'm gone to do yard work. Maybe he will see it and wish he still lived here so he could have juice wink
_________________________
Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12

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#2238761 - 04/17/12 10:12 PM Re: Hoping my marriage can be saved :( [Re: Maggie3]
Maggie3 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/12
Posts: 157
Feeling very at peace today. I realized a few days ago that this really isn't about me. Initially I was embaressed by the things I thought I needed to change about myself- ranging from starting to wear nicer pajamas instead of the shorts and t-shirts I've worn to bed our whole relationship to starting to eat meat again- even though my husband was always supportive of my decision to go vegetarian I thought maybe this was now bothering him as he used to find recipes to make me online and over the past several months leading up to "the bomb" we basically stopped eating together never mind the same foods. Now I realize these are not BAD things about me, they are who I am and I'm not changing them. I'm willing to work on our relationship issues but not compromise who I am, and I will not accept the blame he is trying to place on me.
_________________________
Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12

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#2238797 - 04/18/12 06:26 AM Re: Hoping my marriage can be saved :( [Re: Maggie3]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10283
How did you make it? Don't know if it was the same race, but I heard on the news that the high temp caused most runners to not participate this time.

Trying to stop thoughts about what your H is doing on weekends, may be a tough challenge, but I'll pass along what I've read that some found a level of success. It's kind of like the rubber band on your wrist and snapping it when your mind goes down a unwanted path (which doesn't work for me....the rubber band popping method). Whenever your thoughts wonder about H's activities, put your hand up in front of your face (really or mentally) in the "police officer's stop position. Then you give yourself a pep talk about your determination, your strategies, goals for the weekend, and that you don't have time, nor allow yourself to give him/or OW your thoughts and/or fretting about something you have no control over. Then get very busy at something you do have control over right then.

May sound silly, but it does work with many people.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#2238800 - 04/18/12 07:12 AM Re: Hoping my marriage can be saved :( [Re: sandi2]
LeafTurner Offline
New Member

Registered: 04/07/12
Posts: 22
Loc: California
I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through this.

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#2238931 - 04/18/12 03:31 PM Re: Hoping my marriage can be saved :( [Re: sandi2]
Maggie3 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/12
Posts: 157
Thanks Sandi- my friend suggested trying something similar and when I tried it I just kept thinking! Ugh! I have been keeping very busy- the weather has been amazing here (though, definitely NOT good running weather Monday- I got sick) so I went to the beach yesterday. Today my parents and my uncle came down (family is an hour away) and we got a bunch of home improvement jobs done inside and out- so that feels good. I found a quote posted on one of these forums that I really liked and had an internal response to- something about how when you set yourself on fire to get smoke in your spouse's eyes you end up burnt. I feel like that helped me drop a lot of my anger. I now (at least for today but I also felt this good yesterday) realize this is not about me. My H is going through something really hard right now and while I know that our marriage wasn't perfect, it was damn good and I know I am a great person. The disbelief I see on people's faces when I tell them what is going on validates this. We did have a great relationship. The support from my friends and family and even casual acquaintances who have found out what is happening also validates to me that I am a good person, someone that people want to see succeed and be happy. And I will. Whether he is with me or not.
_________________________
Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12

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#2239031 - 04/18/12 11:41 PM Re: Hoping my marriage can be saved :( [Re: LeafTurner]
Maggie3 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/12
Posts: 157
Thank you! Same to you!
_________________________
Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12

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#2239086 - 04/19/12 07:16 AM Re: Hoping my marriage can be saved :( [Re: Maggie3]
Maggie3 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/12
Posts: 157
Advice- 3 weeks ago when I found out my H was texting with potential OW I took down every photo of him in our house- wedding pictures, etc. Yesterday while cleaning I put them back up because the walls look bare without them and I'm in my phase of not having regrets about our marriage and knowing I didn't cause this. My H has been here since they were down. He will be staying here this weekend taking care of our pets while I'm away. Should I take the pictures down before he comes? We havent spoken about out marriage (I told him I wanted a 1 month hiatus to gather our thoughts/ cool down) so he doesn't know about my new thoughts on the marriage. If he sees the pictures up will he perceive it as me trying to "prove" we were happy- or think I've gone crazy and am in denial?? When really it just makes our home look nicer and I was nervous one of our pets would break something. Am I over thinking?
_________________________
Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12

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#2239638 - 04/21/12 10:08 AM Re: Hoping my marriage can be saved :( [Re: Maggie3]
Maggie3 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/12
Posts: 157
Journaling

Feeling sad today. Going to my first big event without H today- our friend's wedding. Had to lie and tell people he was on a business trip last night at the rehearsal. I just don't get how this all came on so quickly- I mean obviously it didn't for him but for me it did. I've been so good at going dark but the past two days I've had so many little things I wanted to tell him and last night I stupidly texted him something I thought he'd find funny and got no response. I'm also getting anxious because our month of not speaking or seeing each other before making our next move is coming to and end soon (may 1) and I was hoping that after a month with little contact he'd want to try counseling (as opposed to going so I could find closure) and I feel in my heart that he won't want to try. I'm thinking I may try to stall time and keep in this holding pattern- since we can't sell our house until September anyways without a tax penalty. I'm also frustrated because with us separated and not speaking I don't really feel capable of 180s. I want to try communicating with him in other ways, since that's our biggest issue IMO, but how do I do that if we aren't communicating?

Ugh- I need to cheer up! Taking my parents dog for a walk to try and cheer up!
_________________________
Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12

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#2239643 - 04/21/12 10:22 AM Re: Hoping my marriage can be saved :( [Re: Maggie3]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96
Hi Maggie, I am sorry you are sad today. I totally understand feeling sad when going to an event without your H for the first time. For me it was Easter weekend, we had a couple of different parties to go to. Lucky they all revolved around the kids so there was that distraction. The first one he didn't go to and I actually had a great time, laughed and joked with the friends that knew what was really going on. The second one he came to and I had a miserable time, it is actually in my thread somewhere. I was mad that he was acting fine and I was completely angry the whole time, enforcing his negative view of me. So I know it's hard to go without him, but I am actually sure you will have a much better time than if he came and ignored you, acting like all is well. Take your time getting ready, so you look good and feel good. Hold your head high, enjoy your time with friends and you will be amazed that you are actually fine after. It will be a night to take back your power. smile
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2239647 - 04/21/12 10:36 AM Re: Hoping my marriage can be saved :( [Re: fightingforit]
paige40 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/13/11
Posts: 431
It is hard to go to your first event without h. Try to have fun and enjoy your friends. I bet you will have a great night. Now is the time to do things you like to do and spend time with people you like. Remember the person you were before you were with you H. My H was so angry with me and everything was my fault so it was almost a relief to start going to things alone and not have to pretend things were ok with us.

Have fun!!

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