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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Today my husband had to come by our house and move our lawn mower into the shed before work. He emailed me and told me he was coming. He came early and I heard the mower start up. I secretly watched him out the window and he did not look up at the house once. It made me really sad that he could not see me for 1 month and be so close to where I was and not want to see me. The same with our pets- who we are/were both obsessed with. I don't think the LRT is working, though I will stick with it. My H is very stubborn and once his mind is made up there is no changing it. I can't think of one example of this during our R. His estranged father reached out to him and he never let him back in so he has the capacity to completely detach which makes me very sad for him.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Just my .02 worth but I think his ability to cut people off is his defense mechanism, learned as a child due to his estrangement from his father.

When people cause him pain, he removes them from his life so he doesn't have to feel the pain. It's his issue with himself more so than an issue with you.

He doesn't want to dig deep and find out what's there because it would be too painful.

That's a simplification of what may be a more complex issue but my H is very much like that.

All you can do is work on you. Whether he ever does that is very much out of your control.

Live the life you want to live, GAL, have fun, learn something new.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Thanks Labug- I think you are totally right about it being a defense mechanism. I'm just so frustrated because I know I am a good person and was a great partner to him. If/when I caused him pain it was never my intention. It's just so hard seeing how easily he can walk away. I'm also feeling really badly for his mother. My family had become her family. She has no siblings, her parents have passed away, and her only other child lives across the country. So now it is just her and him again and I know she is very upset by the decisions he is making. I know I need to only worry about myself but I can't help but worry about her, though I have cut off contact with her as well for my own well being.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Along the same lines of the emotional detachment thing I should mention that around the holidays my H was annoyed with his brother (12 years older, lives across the country with his W and kids and can be a very negative person). We were in the car and he was complaining about his brother and made a comment along the lines of "when my mother dies I won't have anything to do with (brother)". His brother did nothing worthy of a statement like this- he can just be annoying. I didn't think much of it at the time- bc he was annoyed and nothing had happened with us yet. Pre-bomb we were for all intents and purposes more than okay in our marriage- so I just took this as him venting. After his quick and complete detachment from me it makes me worried for him. What is going on in his brain that he can just cut important people out from his life???!


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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HUGE MISTAKE- NEED HELP ASAP

So this morning I was feeling really anxious on my drive to work and I JUST wanted/needed to hear my husband's voice. He is only working a half day and was coming to our house to do work. I had some things I needed to tell him, but could have done so in an email. Stupidly I chose to call him when I was feeling needy.

It was our first time talking in about 5 weeks. Anyways, I left him a voicemail with the things I needed to ask/tell him and said give me a call. He called me back a few minutes later. As soon as I heard him my voice started to crack. We asked how each other were- he said he is good and very busy at work. He said he was coming today to the house because he wouldn’t be around the next few weekends. I resisted asking him where he would be.

Anyways, eventually I said would you like to meet up and figure some things out. He asked what I wanted to figure out- I said some things with the house and to talk about our next steps. He said he had been waiting until I am out of school for the summer because he didn't want to upset me. He said he wanted to go through mediation instead of lawyers. I said okay, that makes sense, and was just trying to let him do most of the talking.

Eventually I asked him if he wanted to give counseling one last try. He got upset and said that he didn’t think it was worth it- he was done, we have fundamental issues with our relationship and counseling will just bring it all back up again. He has felt so much better being out of our house, etc. And that he thought I was at a point where I realized we were over. I told him I also felt better living at the house myself because it wasn’t constantly uncomfortable.

I told him that I had been reading a lot of books about relationship dynamics and that I was now aware of things I had done to hurt the relationship and I wanted to work on myself. I also told him that I believed since we had made a vow and commitment in our marriage we owed it to ourselves and to the marriage to work on it and that we hadn’t worked on it before. I also told him that I believed we had a good relationship before but that it had been broken for the past year and we did nothing to fix it. He said at this point, after separating he didn’t think we would ever be able to get over it or forget all that had happened. I said that I believed we could eventually with time and hard work.

He said he was feeling really anxious now because he thought we had moved past the point where I thought a reconciliation was possible. I apologized for making him feel anxious and for calling before we both had to work. I told him that one thing I had realized through all of this is that I will be okay with or without him but that I’d rather be with him. I told him I didn’t believe we had fundamental issues in our marriage- that our issues and failure to address them had made them become huge issues. I also said that I had realized through all of this that we can only make ourselves happy.

I had to end the call while we were still talking because I had to get in to my class. Such a dumb idea. I was on the verge of tears and feeling like I might be sick starting out my day- something I never want my students to see and I have been so good about hiding my emotions at work.

I told my H that I would call him later on when my day is done and we can talk more. I’m so anxious and upset now. WHY DID I CALL!? I had been so strong and through away all of my hard work over the past month. What should my next step be when I call him later? Or should I just email him? Take the anxiety out of it for both of us.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
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i'm so sorry for you. i know exactly how that anxiety feels and it's so hard to bear and not release. it comes and goes. i'm not there now but if my H mentions D again, i'll be right with you.
i wish i knew what to tell you other than i've done what you've done and felt what you've felt. the vets will have to tell you what to do next but i just wanted to express empathy for you with your fear.
(((())))


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Yikes, and now I just got this email from my husband. Trying to not cry at work.

I was going to try and hold off on writing an email but I'm suddenly very anxious about the whole thing. If it came out strong this morning, I'm sorry but it's kind of how we have to be at this point. We're at two different perspectives right now but from my end I just don't see how trying to work things out is going to change anything. I'm just much happier now. I don't have nightmares, my work is better, I'm probably in the best shape of my life, I feel like I'm getting along better with mom as I don't pick on her. Overall I just don't have the anxiety that I had before. When I step back I see just how stressed and worked up I was. The eye twitch for months, the muscle spasms for months, the neck problems, the angry flip outs, the laziness. It just wasn't for me. It was nothing specific you did, I just don't think us in a relationship worked and I don't think it will work. That's without even saying that this separation will hang over our heads.

Our talk this morning was distressing for me. I understand that we shouldn't rush the process but I also don't want to hang in limbo for months and months. I'm ready to move forward. I'm ready to start dating again. That's probably quick to you but to me it's not. I've been checked out for a while. A lot of people are going to think I'm an a-hole and probably already do. I'm being selfish, I realize that, but I'm ok with the consequences. I know for me, what I want to do. I guess it's part of the "new" me but I really don't give a sh* what anyone else thinks.

I respect you. I haven't said one bad word about you to anyone. I tell people it was me and me alone. Not looking to play the "look how chivalrous I am" card. Like you said, i want this to end amicably. Whatever it is that you need I'll be open to. I 'm going to continue paying as much as I can on the house, if you need any money between now and when the house sells I can help you out. You might not believe it, especially after this email but I truly do want you to be happy. I'm glad you feel better now that we're way from one another.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
You called because you're hurting and you can't believe it's over. You thought maybe you could finally say it in a way he would understand.

It didn't work, move on from it. There's nothing to be accomplished by beating yourself up over it.

I would suggest you not call him tonight.

Let sleeping dogs lie, ever hear that phrase?

My new favorite acronym: before I start talking think WAIT-Why Am I Talking?

Do something nice for yourself today.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
Thanks labug- Should I respond to his email? I just don't get how this all came on so fast. And he is saying all these anxiety issues- were they caused by me? That makes me feel horrible. And he is already ready to date! Agh. Makes me think something probably WAS going on with the woman he was texting with- maybe not physical but heading there. What am I going to do? My life is literally falling apart.

I actually am getting a massage after working and then going to a jewelry party. I didn't intend on buying anything but maybe now I will.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
I'd keep the email because it might be helpful as he made monetary promises.

There is nothing to respond to. He's made his position clear.

Last Resort Technique. You've told him how you feel. If he wants to file, he will. Let that be his job.

GAL, do nice things for you, become the person you want to be.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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