Needing some guidance... 2

[2thepoint]

I pulled the following out of the MLC forum. Although MLC may not necessarily apply to your sitch, take a look and see if maybe there is something in here that is useful.

On my Thread, "The Long Journey Home-an MLC Journey" I posted these within the text. Since it is so very long I decided to extract them and put them in a neat list that you can copy. For the long version feel free to go to my thread.

I am saying a prayer for you, that you find the help and comfort that you need. You are not alone, God is with you always. We here at the DB are too.
Hugs

Here are a few things I did to DB my H while all the craziness was going on:

·I found more ways to focus on my children and myself.

·I forced myself to stop thinking about what my H was doing and how unfair it was.
·I realized there is really nothing I could do about my H’s behavior anyway.

·I learned to state boundaries in a friendly none threatening tone. And I stated those boundaries quickly and succinctly.

·I tried to process all my emotions in a healthy way that allowed me to stay calm just about 24/7. (If I became angry I broke plates against a wall to get out the anger.)

·I worked on my self-esteem.

·I started going out once a week and having H watch the kids.

·I tried to stay in touch with my emotions as best as I could and release them as close to the incident as possible even if I thought I felt fine.

·I "acted as if", I was going on with my life, I gave my H some breathing room.

·I tried different 180’s.

· I became more unpredictable. One fourth of July H said he was going out. (Not spending it as a family) So I had a barbeque and invited lots of people over and celebrated without him.

·I became mysterious.

· I stopped initiating any conversation.

· I went to my room as soon as he came home.

· I laughed a lot and enjoyed my kids in my room with the door shut.

· I never made plans that included him.

· I stopped interfering and/or helping along his relationships with the kids.

· I stopped keeping him informed on the kids.

·I avoided OR talks.

· I stopped confronting him.

· I left the room first and ended conversations first.

·I was always friendly but distracted.

·I stopped defending myself.

·I listened to him ad- nauseum.

· I sat in therapy sessions and let him express his anger at me until I couldn’t do it anymore.

·I took antidepressants

·Went to counseling by myself.

·Made a list of all of my good points and talents(To remind myself of my worth)

·I took stock of what about myself could be improved and did so.

·I prayed

·I became more focused on what I had to be grateful for.

·I gave the whole situation over to God.

The above are a "few" of the things that I did.

Sometimes I felt like a doormat. But always reminded myself that I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to and I could change my mind at any time.

About choice: So many times in the MLC journey it is so easy to feel powerless and that our H/W's have all the control. Reminding myself that I could check out anytime I liked was (is) really helpful in feeling more in control.

About anger and blame directed at us: I always told myself as my H blasted me, that I could stand there and listen or I could turn around and walk out.

One more thing that was helpful is even though I listened I never accepted what my H said as true. I said to myself, "that's how he feels." Before my H's MLC I was apt to take what he said as gospel.

[jks]

2thepoint, WOW!! Amazing stuff there. Thank you!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

JKS, what do you know about this OW?

Does she work with H?

[jks]

She is on a different squad than him, so they have somewhat different hours and don't respond to the same calls. So they most likely don't see each other at work unless they make it a point to see each other. Which they probably do every once in a while. She's trying to get on his same squad. She's been trying to for a long time. So that's pretty upsetting because if H decides to work things out with me, he'll most definitely have to quit his job.

He is so dedicated to his job and loves the people he works with so I know that would be a really hard thing for him to do.

She has a very masculine personality. (Obviously, if she's a cop.) She has no kids. She's very career driven. And most importantly, she sees nothing wrong with pursuing a married man with three kids. I know that she's been attracted to my H for a long time (at least a year of pursuing that I know of) and I think she could really see herself with him. Whereas my H never even looked at her that way until him and I separated. She makes me incredibly sick to think about her.

I asked my H a while ago that doesn't he think there's a reason why we chose to be with each other because we're so different? It makes things more interesting. But instead you'd rather be with someone who's exactly like you? He said, I don't know.

[jks]

I backslid A LOT this morning... when I was taking my little boy to school this morning, he told me that OW sleptover at daddy's house. I said, that's not good. I said did she sleep in the same bed with you? He said, yes. So I immediately sent my H a text telling him how furious I was. That he's pretending he's married to her and making really inappropriate decisions.

Eventually, I ended up calling him and it didn't go well. It was 9:00 this morning and she was already over at his house. I'm surprised she didn't sleep over again. They are so trashy, it is disgusting.

He told me he did talk to a L. And he knows how much it's going to cost and doesn't care. I don't know where he's going to get the money from because he doesn't have any. I guess his parents will have to pay for it. Lucky them.

He also said that he's in such a different place than I am. He's completely moved on and his mind can't even go there with me. I mean, he already showed all of his friends from work that he was choosing to be with OW by taking her camping with all of them. That is a huge statement right there.

I told him that he has trapped me in every way. I can't date people because I'm married... I tried to set things up and it doesn't feel right. I'm still too attached to him and I can't see myself being ok with kissing someone else while I'm still legally married. That would put me in the same boat as my H. I'm not going there.

I don't feel like I can get a job because how do I find someone that will take and pick up my kids from school while being able to cart around a baby? It's such a headache to figure out. He keeps saying, I'll help you. My thoughts... um, I want nothing to do with you. So if you're thinking that I'm going to want to deal with you on a daily basis because I need you to watch the kids then you are insane. So I told him I'm just going to do my photography on the side. I feel like I need to be home for my kids right now anyway.

That made him upset because he knew that meant he was going to have to pay more in child support. Personally, I don't care. That is the least of my worries.

So after we hung up I had a huge breakdown... I am sooooo sick of feeling this way day after day. It is never-ending and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I truly feel like dying. It is so painful. I am trapped. I will always have to hear from my kids what him and OW are doing. I try so hard to rise above it but it cuts so deep and is so hard to hear.

So I told H that I was going to keep the kids for the next three weeks because I need to have a couple of normal weeks without him in my life so I can breathe!! He got all huffy saying that there's no way I can do that and not to fight him on this. I told him I'll call the police if he comes here to get them. He is acting completely inappropriately and putting my kids around a woman that I don't even know who has low morals and who knows what ever else. I will not have it.

I also texted OW and told her she wouldn't mind if I texted with my H everyday, all day long and talked about everything and anything while they're together. No big deal right? Because that's what she told me back in Sept when I confronted her about the text messaging. He's just my best friend, is what she said. Then I told her and plan events with him and help him move and whatever else I can think of to be around him. I told her she was a home wrecker and she is trashy and I'm sad that my kids are going to grow up with her in their lives.

I also told my H that I sure hope OW stays faithful to him because she seems to have a major texting problem and has no problem texting other men on a regular basis... whether they're married or not. She admitted that to me on her own. And why wouldn't she? She's the only female cop on the squad and is surrounded by men. That is who she deals with and associates with on a daily basis.

Sorry I couldn't be a better inspiration. I am furious and I have sat around long enough letting the both of them walk all over me and gallivant around town together like they're so happily married and nothing they're doing is wrong at all.

I have no idea what is to become of my life. I see no future with H. But it feels better knowing that I'm standing up for myself rather than letting him continue on like he's a saint. He is in for a rude awakening one of these days.

[2thepoint]

JKS I know this stuff is painful and it totally suxx. But you've got to get a grip! I'm sure you've seen it posted to believe none of what he says and 1/2 of what you see. Start working with that. Oh, and go back and reread the post I sent you yesterday. Print it out if you have to.

Hang in there!

((((JKS))))

[RoRoinMD]

Jks, I hope you've had some time today to calm down and think about things a little more clearly. I can see why you're upset, but like 2TP says, remember to believe none of what your H says, and 1/2 of what you see.

You need to focus on you and your kids. Re-read what 2TP said to you. I think the list will help you get back on track with DBing, and your goals for yourself.

[jks]

I went out of town for the weekend and while I was there H called me. Totally caught me off guard and I answered. He immediately said, can I talk to the kids? I hung up. Really? Did I not already set a boundary for this? And he is totally disrespecting me now.

I called him back and he kept saying, let me talk to the kids and I said... I set a boundary and expect that you follow it. I am not going to let you talk to them. Please stop doing this. I hung up and sent him some other not so nice texts. Basically just telling him that he cannot have everything whenever he wants.

If he's missing his kids then how is that my problem? I went out of town to try to get away from all the madness and to try to move on with my life. When he does things like this it makes me feel like he's trying to remind me that he's still here. Can he not understand that I need space?

Honestly, what would you be doing if you felt like your H was putting your kids in such inappropriate situations so soon? I don't know how to be nice about this. The more I just allow it, the worse he gets.

I dread letting my kids go with him now.

[vera be fierce]

jks you said that your L requires a retainer fee to file, but have you thought about some kind of separation agreement? That might help you set and enforce boundaries with your H especially relating to the kids and the OW. H is really not putting you in a good place, I can only imagine how stressful this must be for you.

I also noticed that you had previously said that life, and not you, would teach your H a lesson but it sounds like by texting/calling him back repeatedly about the violated boundary that you were trying to do the teaching. Of course you were upset, and I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing. Again, I think possibly having a separation agreement between you and your H might help you manage the situation a little better.

[wishing, hoping]

I get that. H took S to meet OW this weekend and she even sent back cupcakes! I almost threw them in the trash! H even sent S upstairs while I was giving D a bath so he could FaceTime with OW. Unbelievable!!! H totally has disrespected me.

(((JKS)))