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Just reading over my posts from the last couple of days. A lot has happened in the last 48 hours. Either things are starting to make sense or I'm bi-polar wink

P.S. I'm not bi-polar. My shrink told me so.

P.P.S. That was my pathetic attempt at a joke.

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David
Try to relax, and don't be too hard on yourself.

I really recommend you reconnect with your "manhood" in the next couple of months. Learn to love the independence and rediscover your self worth.

Good luck

GB

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I've been reconnecting with some friends. I've had my daughters the last two nights and I moved in into my new apartment. The first couple days I felt relief. The past couple have been really rough and seems to be getting harder.

The kids seem to remind me of their mom. I'm really missing her. I wish we. Luke work things out but she doesn't want to. Plus, I can't believe a thing she says so I'd never know if she was serious.

I guess it's going to take time.

I do see how I could get caught up in a rebound relationship. I have urges and I would love to blow off some steam. I almost think that being with other women would help take the edge off of the pain. After all, she's doing it...if I did the same thing then I'd feel better.

I don't believe that though. I'm lonely, hurt and vulnerable right now. The last thing I need is to hook up with some women. Yes, she's hooking up with guys (girls?)...who knows. But that doesnt make it right. I have to be strong for the kids. They know mom is dating and it really hurts them. I can't do that to them.

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How are you doing, David?


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
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Originally Posted By: Jenna333
How are you doing, David?


I have no idea. Things continue to be crazy. I talked to her the other night about us divorcing. She said that we just can't get along. I told her that we need to learn how to communicate with each other. We fight about the same thing. I ask what it is she doesn't like...she tells me, "i've told you a million times"...I tell her that that really isn't telling me anything...she says that I'm on her a$$ all the time...I tell her that that is a broad statement...she gets mad.

It's the same routine. I don't know what her motivation is but she said that we need to get a third party involved to help us sort this out...she told me to find a counselor and make and appointment. She told me that her heart is not in it, and the only reason she wants to work on us is for the kids. I asked her if her heart is not in it then why is she doing it. she said she doesn't know. I asked her if she's doing it to get me to go away, or if she's going to try at all...she said, "I said I would so just make the appointment".

She said that she doesn't want a divorce for the both of us but that she feels like there's no other choice so she is just accepting it.

not too long ago she was saying she wouldn't go to counseling because they would "brainwash" her into loving me again. \

I'm reading books about detaching and codependency. They are helping me a lot.

I think we're kind of in the same boat Jenna333. My W and I started dating when we were 16, got married at 20, have two kids and we're now 32 years old.

I don't know why I still want to be married after everything that has happened. I do though. I'm sure you understand what I mean when I say that she feels apart of me. I don't want the person she's turned into, nor do I want my old marriage back.

I'm not angry about anything she's done. I don't feel like she has been in her right mind. Oddly, I understand. It hurts really, really bad. But I've committed to forgive her whether we reconcile or not. Anger and unforgiveness just isn't worth it I suppose.

All in all, I don't think she knows what she wants. I've offered to give her her divorce on two occasions and both times she's said she doesn't want that. She won't file for divorce either. Her heart isn't into working on us, but she continues to agree to work on it. Cake-eating? Maybe.

I've rambled enough...hope things are going well for you.

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David
I've seen this situation unfold a couple of times already. Your W does not want to leave, but she does not want you.

Deep down something tells her she "should" stay. Yet she can't understand why. She has to get over her anger. You can't convince her not to be angry. She has to do it on her own.

Just be prepared because she can stay angry for a very long time. The anger feeds itself as she applies a negative lense to everything you do. Don't fall for her traps to blame you for everything. Hold your ground and start thinking where you want to be a year from now. Talk it over with the counselor and make sure W finds out eventually be strong and plan for your happiness. W then has the option to join you. In order to do so she must turn into the W you desire.

Just remember this:

"we get the relationship we allow to happen. What have you done today to get the relationship you want."

Sometimes this involves telling the person you love that enough is enough.

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We have been talking quite a bit lately. I'm almost concerned that it's a little too much. She doesn't seem to mind, but for some odd reason I feel uncomfortable. We've been hanging out a bit too. I took her and the girls out to dinner for valentine's day.

The other night she spent the night at my place to help me look for cars (mine died and she has a knack for finding amazing deals on great cars). She had to go pick up some medicine. I couldn't tell if this was a legit reason or if she was getting away from me. I went to bed and she came back a bit later and went to sleep in the girls' room.

I have the girls this weekend. The girls wanted her to come to dinner with us, so we invited her and she came.

She's spending the night at my place again tonight. She's going with me tomorrow to look at some cars. Plus, the girls like it when she comes over and stays. I don't mind because it makes the girls happy.

There is nothing going on between us. In fact, I'm not sure where we even stand. We agreed to not have any R talks until we go to counseling...so that's what I'm doing.

During the conversation where she agreed to go to counseling, she said that I over- analyze things. She's told me a billion times I'm on her ass all the time. It's a pretty general statement and she gets upset when I ask for more details as to what she means. So, I've been trying to figure out what she means on my own. So, I started with overanalyzing, which led me to codependency and detachment.

I pulled her aside the other night after dinner and basically apologized to her for acting that way. I quickly explained that I can see how my behavior made her feel like I was on her ass all the time and not letting her be her own person. She said that it was okay. I told her that it wasn't because it caused a lot of damage between us. She agreed. I quickly ended the conversation so it wouldn't lead into any R talks.

So, she is angry at me. Is that why she keeps telling me that she wants to date other people, but is still somewhat holding on to the M? I can't tell if she's serious about that or if she's trying to see how I will react. She knows that bothers me.

I've told her that dating other people is where I draw the line. She doesn't seem to be dating right now. I haven't brought it up for a couple reasons...
1.) I look needy
2.) I look insecure
3.) That is what she is referring to when she says I'm on her ass and overanalyze things
4.) If I'm going to lovingly detach, I have to let her make whatever decisions she is going to make. She knows how I feel and what the consequences are.

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Originally Posted By: greenblue90
David
I've seen this situation unfold a couple of times already. Your W does not want to leave, but she does not want you.

Deep down something tells her she "should" stay. Yet she can't understand why. She has to get over her anger. You can't convince her not to be angry. She has to do it on her own.


Okay...so she feels like she doesn't want to leave and something tells her to stay...but she doesn't want me. How does that work? Will she ever want me again? After the anger dissipates?

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The unfortunate answer is that it's up to her to let go of whatever she is holding against you.

There is nothing you can do except be a good husband, and keeping yourself as an attractive option.

She may be physically back, but she is still in the WAW mindset.

I recommend you become the man you want to be. Not the man your wife wants you to be. Find what it is you want to embody and become it. She can then decide if she wants the new you or not.

Think of yourself as being in the dating market. Would you be very marketable? What can you do to bring up your value. What qualities would attract another partner?

You may notice as you change that your W may find herself attracted again to you. She may never not, but at least you'll be a better person for it.

I started lifting weights, dressing better, and being more upbeat. What could you do?

Become a better man, to become a more attractive husband.

Ultimately she is the only one that can decide if she wants to love you, will you look like a dud or a stud when it's her time to decide?

Hope that helps

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David
One more thing, she may have come back because returning is the past of least resistance. It doesn't mean she is ready to work, or be glad to be with you.

In other words she may be thinking she has to live with you, but doesn't have to like it.

So ask yourself this, what would it take to be the type of guy she wants to live with?

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