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Hahahhaha...you were right. They are both girls.

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Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
np, david... take care of yourself... you can't take care of your girls if you are not doing ok. you know that...

keep us posted on your feelings over the next few days.... up and down, good and bad... and vent here, for goodness sake... k?


Will do.

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Before your hiatus from the boards, I mentioned that C is a must in order for your sitch to improve. Did you two ever do that?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
Before your hiatus from the boards, I mentioned that C is a must in order for your sitch to improve. Did you two ever do that?


No...she doesn't want to be "brainwashed" into loving me again.


I have decided to move out. I proposed that we agree to stay married and work on ourselves, but live in separate places. I told her that I would rather have the kids live in two homes for a year or so, and have mom and dad together later on, than to just call it quits. I told her that I would not accept her dating during this time period and that was a deal breaker for me. If she dates then we need to divorce. She said she wanted to date other people, but begrudgingly agreed. I asked her why she wanted to date and she said it was to meet new people and friends. I told her that meeting new people was fine, but being intimate is unacceptable. I asked her if she'd like it if I was having sex with a bunch of women. She said she didn't care. She says she loves me, but is not in love with me. I told her if she really loves me then she needs to tell me if she's going to go out with other guys rather than me finding out the hard way. She agreed to everything and said we were on the same page. She didn't seem very happy about it though.

Here are my thoughts: She doesn't really have any desire to work on anything. If she goes out with a guy and the emotions strike, do you really think she's going to think about me and stop? Probably not. She hasn't thought about me before. Why would she now? Especially if she lives by herself and doesn't think I'll catch her.

I really feel like she's keeping me in limbo just to get what she wants. Right after that conversation she asked me to buy her some cigarettes and gas for her car. It seems like that's the only reason I'm around. Things were going great when I agreed to father the OM's baby. They were going good when I co-signed for her to get a new car. A week after she terminated the pregnancy and got her car she doesn't want to be with me anymore.

I know no one can make my decision for me. Could I get some opinions though? I'm really thinking about filing for divorce and get on with my life. I think that I have went above and beyond trying to make this marriage work. It doesn't seem to matter to her. As a human being, a man, I feel like I'm selling myself out. Frankly, I'm losing respect for myself.

The weird thing is that I just feel numb for the most part. I have moments where there is extreme pain and I cry. But, it seems like something happens every other week. I don't think I've had time to process any of this because it keeps piling up. Like I said, I'm numb. My friends and family keep telling me that what she has and is doing to me is horrendous. They wonder when she lost her humanity. I know they are trying to protect me. I'm feeling like she's gone way too far. I think that once I move out and start processing this stuff I'll end up not wanting to be with her again. Sometimes, when I think about leaving and just moving on, I get this peace and stillness come over me. Dare I say I feel happy and relieved.

I would like to come through this with some dignity left.

Is there a point where divorce is a healthier option?

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Boundaries need to be obvious and the must be enforced.

How would you know if she was being intimate with someone?

Is your hand on the trigger and you WILL file if she is intimate with someone? The dog's gotta bite...

From what I can tell, you two have had a really interesting definition of piecing... smirk

But for the most part, aside from I have probably been at this a few extra months... our experience is pretty much the same.

My W does not feel M, but does not want to D (well, maybe she really does, now) and was pretty happy doing absolutely nothing in one direction or the other.

Now I am not in any way encouraging this. But in my case, I will no longer be M to someone who does not want to be M, does not believe she is M, and acts like she's single. I have been separated for 15 months. I will be filing.

I would recommend a trial separation to start. But really, and I'm going to admit that while I did change to some degree, I could do more, M to me wouldn't be much different now for my W. But... until the D is final, I will keep DBing. Maybe something will click for my W. I don't know.

So I'm just saying... if you can take it slow, do so. And keep DBing... for your future...

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Yes.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Ok everything your wife said I had heard from my W at some point or another.

The fact she doesn't find you attractive is pretty much a dead ringer here.

What have you done to make yourself more attractive?

Superficial stuff like getting in shape matters.

Now comes the biggest part:

I can tell by your actions that your W has very little respect for you. She knows that you will do ANYTHING to keep her by your side. (I mean you offered to raise another man's child!)

So she has very little respect for you. She's proven that time and time again. I am of the belief that if there is no respect, there is no attraction period. She probably does a thousand little things that test your ability to stand up for yourself and you probably fail them on a daily basis.

Does she seem like the type that nothing is ever done right, no matter how hard you try?

Is she the type that never knows what she wants when you go out, and none of your suggestions appease her?

Does she go into the biggest rage because things around the house are never done just the way she wants them?

Is she the type that cannot keep even simple promises like picking up the kids or getting something you ask for on the way home.

Do you feel like no matter what you do to make her happy it just seems to make her more and more upset and demanding in the long run?

If you answered yes to a lot of these questions, then her lack of attraction to you my friend stems from a lack of respect for you.

I like repeating this quote that a very wise woman told me when things were at their worse for me.

"I want a man that can stand up to me, because he can stand up for me"

It's a powerful statement because it taps into a very primal way of being and thinking for women. Strong is attractive, weak is not.

Right now any man or woman that has the guts to hit on a married woman is way more attractive than you.

She has you in her purse, waiting to receive a morsel of love. She doesn't have to be nice to you.

These OM/OW's she has to seduce them and win them over and prove to herself that she is worth something.

Now what can you do?

It's the little things my friend.

Is she always late? Start demanding she is on time.

Does she yell at you? Tell her you will not tolerate getting yelled at and will talk once she calms down.

Yells at you for not doing a chore right. Tell her that you are doing your best, and that this is acceptable to you, if she gets mad at that tell her that you are more than willing to do the dishes, but if it's such a big deal maybe she should do them.

Most importantly when she threatens to walk out, open the door.

If done right though you will notice that standing up for the little things will in time reduce how much big strife you see in your M.

I recommend you look up how to become an Alpha male and incorporate into your 180's. Imho There's a guy named Athol Kay that gives good advice on how to become a strong man while building a good marriage. Keep following DR, and sorry to say this bud but you're not piecing.

Just remember stand up for the little things and work your way up. The more you do it, the better it'll feel. She'll also respect you more and challenge you less.

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I don't think it matters anymore. I don't want the m to be over, but it's out of my hands now. She does not love me. She borderline hates me. I can see it all i er her. Things continue to happen every week or two. It's over. Too much has happened and I cannot take anymore. I think that has been whats shes wanted the whole time. It's unhealthy. I don't want to give up, but there comes a point where you have to. I appreciate everyone's help. This is the hardest decision I've ever made. DB'ing at this point is hopeless. I don't know how to get over this, but it's time to let go and start healing.

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David
It's a tough decision, but I'm glad you are at the point where you can get some form of resolution.

Be strong, now more than ever she will try to take and take and take. Keep your cool, stand up for yourself and be the mature adult of the two.

You may find that as the D progresses she may try to come back. Honestly I wouldn't take her back until she agrees to some very heavy measures. She needs to know you are valueable and have a high price of admission.

Good luck and keep us posted.

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GB90,

Thank you. I can honestly look back and say that I did everything in my power to make this work for the kids. I wanted it to work, but I can only do so much. After all that has happened, and the stuff that happened today (seriously every week she does something) I don't want her back.

Personally, I think I've been grieving the loss of 16 years with her. I'm 32. That's half my life. As for who she is now...I can't stand her. I think I came to a point today that I could actually see her for who she really is. I've been denying it for years because I didn't want to admit that she could do this to me.

She can try to take and take as much as she wants. I think she'll be in for a surprise. I see through her BS now. I'm happy to get out of this relationship and move forward.

As far as her trying to come back as the divorce proceeds...well you're probably right. I can see that happening. But some of the stuff she has done is unforgettable. Even if she was truly repentant I don't think I could take her back. I'm the kind of guy where I can be very patient and forgiving, but once I get to the point that it's over...it's over.

It's going to be hard for her to take and take when I won't have anything to do with her. I'll be nice and friendly and co-parent the best that I can with her...but that's it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the divorce as far as custody goes. I'll deal with that after I get completely moved out and settled in. It wouldn't be right to make a decision with my emotions the way they are. I'll have to do what's best for the kids. One thing at a time though.

All in all I feel relieved. A lot of weight has been taken off my shoulders. Something clicked today. I'm not in love with her and I do not want to reconcile. If it weren't for the kids I'd walk away and she'd never know where I went. We would never speak again. If it weren't for the kids I never would have dealt with this for so long.

Maybe I'm emotional and just venting. I don't know. I feel a little bit of sadness. But I know I'm doing the right thing. I'm very calm and feel centered for the first time in a long while. Who knows. Tomorrow I could long for her like never before. I somehow doubt that, but I've never gone through a divorce before. Heck, I haven't dated anyone since I was 16. She was my first. So, I'm pretty naive I suppose. smile

I'll probably pop in now and then. I dont know that i could help anyone on the board since my M failed miserably.

I know some of you have reconciled. Some have divorced. Some are working on their marriage. Some are DB'ing their butts off just hoping and praying for a chance. Whatever situation you're in I wish you all the best. Thanks for kicking my @$$ when I needed it (especially you MrBond) and encouraging me. You all will never know how much it meant to me.

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