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One last thing....I have been a huge pushover in our marriage. I am reading a book titled "No More Mr Nice Guy" and realized how weak of a man I was. I'm really serious about this being our last chance with this marriage. I am willing to take the time and work necessary to work it out. However, I'm not willing to deal with the cheating and other BS.

I received some advice from my personal counselor. She stated that I should file for divorce. We can always call it off. I am starting to agree with her. If it's going to be this way, then I want out. This would get the ball rolling and hopefully she will realize I'm not always going to be here....because I'm not. If it works out, we will call it off. If it doesn't then we sign the papers and be done with it. Should I do this or approach her about this? I think she feels that I'm going to be here no matter what and that I'll bend over backwards to please her. That's not the case anymore.

Opinions?

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Honestly, I don't know what to say about her suggesting she wasn't attracted to you sexually, even in the past. I'm sure she believes it. It's her truth.

Personally, I do agree that a woman's opinion in this will be helpful. I've read some stuff here that women find attractive in a man. I guess anything is worth a try.

And as far as being a pushover, fair enough. I have heard that can be unattractive, although I also understand that the opposite isn't necessarily attractive, either.

For nothing else, if your W is willing to share what she finds attractive, it would be helpful. Because no matter what anyone else's opinion is, it is HER that you'd be hoping to attract.

In regards to your counselor's suggestion to file. IDK. I know you know better than to use it as a tactic. That is LRT and it really is for you, that you really want to get on with your life and if your W changes her mind... well, deal with that IF it happens...

It sounds like a tough spot, and yet it's really only as tough as we make it out to be... Just my opinion that if your are trying to work it out AND have filed D... in some ways that's a little indecisive. It may come across to your W that way, as well... she'd know she has "the power" over you because you're waiting for her to change her mind.

*shrug*

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The thing is that I'm so sick of the lies that I want a divorce. I want to be done with it all. I know that I am feeling this way purely out of emotions. I just feel like I owe it to my kids. I don't even like this woman much anymore...I love her, but I don't like her. I feel rage and hurt. I'm hoping all of this will change, but it's not looking so good. I'm tired of the pain, I'm tired of being told that I'm not attractive, I'm tired of not being able to trust someone, I'm tired of being told that they desire sex, but not with me.

My thinking with the divorce is that either we work it out or I'm done. It's not a tactic. I just want to move on with my life with or without her.

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I hate to give you the canned answer, yet I want to respond and tell you I completely understand.

So here's the canned answer, "only you know when you are done."

My only thought on that is, when you are really done, you'll know... and you will do what you need to... it's tough to cross that line...

I have not been where you are, but I'm very comfortable in my current direction.

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okay...where is MrBond at? I need him to knock some sense into me. I'm paranoid. My W says that I have been grilling her about everything. I tried to explain to her that I just found out a lot of information I didn't know about and that it's a lot to process. I told her that I'm fearful because I know this is our last chance for us. I don't want to split because of the kids....but I will. She said she wants to work on it, but she doesn't. She doesn't because of the attraction issue. She does for the kids.

I feel like she's lying to me about stopping the texts and emails. In fact, I will bet you money that she is. I asked her to reply to the texts and emails to tell them to stop contacting her. I explained it's important to me to do this. All of this stuff needs to stop. I don't want a roommate, I don't want to be friends. I want a wife. If she can't do that then she needs to let me know so I can move on. I don't think the kids need to see a dad that's miserable...or parents that just exist with each other. I have friends that had parents do that and they just wished they divorced. The kids need to see how a healthy relationship functions. How to solve problems.

I know I seem to be pushing...but I need to know if there's a chance for us. I can't deal with this pain anymore. Enough is enough and I need to know either way. If her heart is not in it then forget it.

That's how I feel at least....Now smack me around and tell me how I'm wrong. While you're at it, will you tell me what to do? wink

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smile

David, I appologize, but I'm going to have to defer to Bond, Cadet, or anyone else who can come along and help you.

While I've had a chance to be around and talk to people over X-mas eve and Christmas day... I'm struggling, to some degree...

I think I'm going to have to bow out from posting here for a while.

The reality is, from what you have written, I'd have to say it doesn't sound to me like you're piecing, now. Even though your W is saying she wants to work it out. If I was in your shoes, I'd turn and walk...

But that's me... and I worry that my responses now, especially in your sitch which could very well work out, might steer you wrong.

I wish you the best and at this point I'd say "Don't give up, hold on the D, and work through this. Give it one more, real hard shot, even if you are questioning your W's intention, commitment, and words."

But that's all I've got...

I wish you the best...

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Thank you KD. I posted a lot of stuff out of anger and hurt. I really want the M to work out. Sometimes D seems easier. I just feel so hurt, betrayed, humiliated. I'm full of emotions, so for now, I do nothing.

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This is a good place to vent, work out those feelings....yeah "THOSE" feelings and get some good support.

We all want our M to work out, right? I DO believe that D would be easier. You could just cut your loses, move on and hope you don't have to do it again.

Surviving the A and its ending was easy compared to piecing where you really have to make changes.

Sounds like she's in a spin cycle.


M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
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Originally Posted By: MynameisMZ
This is a good place to vent, work out those feelings....yeah "THOSE" feelings and get some good support.

We all want our M to work out, right? I DO believe that D would be easier. You could just cut your loses, move on and hope you don't have to do it again.

Surviving the A and its ending was easy compared to piecing where you really have to make changes.

Sounds like she's in a spin cycle.


Oh god, it's gets harder? What do you mean by her being in a spin cycle?

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i came upon your post because i was doing a search for retrouvaille! i'm so sorry you find yourself here but it really is such a great place to find support isn't it?

your story struck a cord with me because there are many similarities between your story and mine. although my H has not agreed to work things out.. yet.. he has agreed to retrouvaille (which isn't until april). his decision could change between now and then but at least there is something to look forward to with a little.. hope? in the meantime, i'm trying to figure out the best way to proceed. which is probably with caution.

"My thinking with the divorce is that either we work it out or I'm done. It's not a tactic. I just want to move on with my life with or without her."

i feel this way all the time and unfortunately, when i am in that mind state, i am looking for an answer and try to push and force the issue even though i know that we both need time to heal. so what ends up happening? everything gets very heated.. i try to pressure him to answer by forcing his hand.. and then we all end up losing. because i have noticed that i tend to back people in a corner. then my H answers one way (usually, i don't think there's any hope. things won't chance.. blah blah..) but then he says stuff the next minute that makes me think there are glimmers of hope.

i guess what i'm saying is.. it's hard to take a step back but so important to do. because sometimes, we just end up saying stuff that we don't really mean.

hang in there!


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
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