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Thanks, Accuray!

So I emailed him back and was very cordial and business like in the email. I said thank you for sending me the taxes and said to please not forge my name on the refi. I then said to let me know which day works for moving his things and I will let him know if that works for me. I also said to please send june's mortgage (his half)...

He responded saying that he would mail the forms that I need to sign (we only live 20 mins from each other). He also said that since I'm asking for the half of the mortgage he is assuming that I didn't take care of the quit deed (which I did), but that does not relinquish his duties of the loan still being in both our names or the fact that the house is still marital debt (which I spoke to my lawyer about last week) and that he is still responsible for half of the payment!

He then made mention that I did not answer his questions about proceeding with the D (which I did not answer because I did not want to).

I responded in a nice manner...emailing how we would usually converse with smiley faces and even made a joke (trying to act as if) and that's what I get in return.

Sometimes, I don't know why I act 'as if' when I get these short responses back. In his return email, he still doesn't say when he'll come to get his things...guess he's not in that big of a hurry!!

Still just sooo confused and am not going to respond to the email because I'm not even sure what to say...besides 'well, ding dong you're still responsible for the marital debt of our loan together until we are divorced...' But, I would never send that...


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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Posts: 283
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I'm going to answer my own question...I act as if for myself because it feels good to be the bigger person smile


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Woo boo! Way to be!


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,910
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That's right H&P. It's not easy to take the high road. But it feels better thank being mean and nasty.


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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Journal:

I did a great job GALing this weekend. I went out with friends both nights and kept myself busy with family during the day.

I even hung out with a guy friend that I've known for many years. It was nice to talk to a guy about life and have a guy make me laugh and smile again! However, it is just not the same. He's not my H and it still felt awkward to just spend time with someone else.

I guess I still just don't understand how my H replaced me so easily and found comfort in this OW. I know that trying to figure it out is useless, but I still wonder, because now that I have hung out with another guy...I get this awkward feeling and don't see how he could not feel this way (maybe he does...I can't mind read here!)

I still have not responded to his email because I don't really have anything to say. I really want to say "What do you want from me? I gave you my love, trust, and marriage. You took all of that and replaced me in no time. All I'm asking for is for you to take care of your financial responsibilities until we are legally divorced. If you want to end things with me so badly, then why won't you come get your things?"

I want to say that, but I know it will do no good, but to push him further away, so I'm just not going to respond.


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Good job, I think that's the right thing to do.

Originally Posted By: hopingandpraying
I guess I still just don't understand how my H replaced me so easily and found comfort in this OW.


H didn't replace you, and you are not in any way replaceable. You are reality and H is following a fantasy. It's not a replacement, it's a trivial distraction. Sooner or later that fantasy will become reality also, and at that point H will likely flee that too.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 283
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Accuray, you are so right and give a great side to things!

I really hope I have a 2nd chance with my H to show him that I can forgive. I see myself forgiving him in many ways now because I'm not so angry anymore. I just get sad and miss him. I miss my best friend.

I just feel he is so far gone that he thinks there is no coming back from this. Yes, if we ever talk on the phone or the first time we do, it is going to be awkward, but then again, the first time we talked on the phone when he was deployed was awkward and the first day he returned from a 7 month deployment was awkward. Even though all those instances were different types of rebuilding the relationship, I feel in a sense it would be a lot of the same rebuilding...except TRUST would need to be restored and of course FORGIVENESS. I wish he could see that light smile

If I don't have a second chance, I do know that in time I will find that happiness with another man, because I do know I am a great person that honestly...he is a fool for leaving...he's just the only person who can't see that!


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
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May I hijack your thread HAP, I just wanted to thank Accuray for that post about being a second choice. I am glad to have read that, I am undergoing the same line of thinking and actually am starting to have self esteem issues. This helps!


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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Hijack away! Accuray always knows the right thing to say, so yes thank you!!!! smile


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Angel61,

Feeling replaced, or like a second choice, is a natural place to go -- if you've been on the wrong side of infidelity it's pretty much inevitable.

As I'm sure you know, it's a poison place to go, because it just pummels your self-esteem. At the same time, self-esteem and confidence are critical for attraction, so it makes it that much more difficult to DB effectively.

The point is, however, that it's not a competition -- it can't be. When you get into a marriage with someone, there are highs and lows. Your spouse has seen you at your best, AND at your worst. There are accumulated hurts, things said in anger, resentments that have built over time -- all those things make your relationship "real" -- it's work, it not a fairy tale, and it has benefits that come from doing the work.

An affair is simply two people telling each other how wonderful they are. They have not seen each other at their worst, they have no accumulated hurts, they have no accumulated resentments. The relationship is based on the fantasy that their affair partner is "perfect" or at least perfect for them. There is a evolutionary mechanism that creates this effect, there are brain chemicals released that induce us to lower our defenses, and interfere with our ability to make rational decisions. Nature has done that in the interest of continuing the species, it reduces the friction and creates those feelings of infatuation.

My MC described it in terms of shoes -- there are the shoes that you wear every day, they're comfortable, you know their strengths and weaknesses, you know just what to expect. Then there are the "fancy" shoes you see in the shop window. You picture yourself wearing them, you picture how good they look. You don't picture or think about the painful break-in period, or the comfort you're going to sacrifice for the good looks. All you see is the good, and you start to obsess about it. Once you start obsessing, all else is forgotten, and everything else pales by comparison. When you're doing that comparison, however, you're comparing the reality of your current pair of shoes, to the fantasy of the new pair, with no recognized downsides -- there is no way for the old pair to win in that comparison, because it's not a real comparison at all.

Now if you actually buy those shoes and start wearing them around, eventually all the downsides are going to make themselves known. Initially you're going to ignore them, because you're still tied up in the fantasy, but sooner or later (like a blister) they can no longer be ignored and they will come to the top. At that point the new shoes become real too, and the old shoes may not look so bad by comparison.

So what can you do about this?

First, a lot of your angst is coming from a loss of control -- something that you relied upon has been pulled away from you. There is evidence that feelings of "love" are directly related to feeling out of control -- that's why when your spouse leaves you it's common to feel more love for them than you've felt in a long time.

One thing that will make you feel a lot better is to restore that feeling of control, and you can do that by creating small, measurable goals and then accomplishing them. That can be weight loss, getting in shape, learning a new skill, taking up an instrument, etc. You make a goal, and when you see yourself hit it, you feel more in control of your own destiny, and this offsets the control lost in the relationship.

Secondly, you need to meet some new people, and interact with friends as much as you can. When you see how much others appreciate you and respond to you in a positive way, it helps to rebuild your self esteem. Right now H's reaction to you has an unfair weighting in how you feel about yourself. If you spread that out over many people where H is just one of them, you'll get some perspective that it's not about YOU, it's about H.

Third, you need to make your H question what he thinks he knows about his "old shoes". He assumes right now that you are on the shelf waiting for him to return, and that's a great feeling of comfort and insurance. He also thinks he knows everything there is to know about you -- how you act, what you say, how you look -- he's seen it all before and thinks there's nothing left there to discover.

You will do yourself a huge favor if you change that up on him. Make him question if you're sitting on the shelf (get out and GAL, make new friends, engage in new activities, don't tell him what you're up to). If you have frequent sayings or mannerisms, change them up. Get a new haircut, change your haircolor, dress slightly differently than you did before. If you make him question what he does and doesn't know about you, he's going to start to think, and thinking is what you want.

I posted this on another thread about your WAS avoiding you as well, maybe it helps:

Originally Posted By: Accuray
H isn't avoiding you because he has disposed of and replaced you. He's avoiding you because he feels deeply ashamed of what he has done and he can't face himself.

It's like when you break up with someone in high school, you see them walking toward you at the opposite end of the hall, and you quickly turn around and head in another direction. You're not doing that to "reject" the person, you're doing it because you're ashamed about how you've made them feel.

He is AFRAID to contact you, half because of what you might say to him to shame him, and half because of how he feels about himself due to what he has done to you.

The first half you can address by acting as if, being happy, and generally approachable when he does eventually reach out. The second half you can do nothing about except to give him space and let him get over it on his own.

Getting over it requires that he have motivation to deal with himself, it's easier to keep those feelings locked up in a dark closet. As long as OW is involved, he can keep them locked up and pretend like everything is fine -- but he knows they're there, and they creep up on him when he least expects it.

When OW is gone, or when the "in love" haze starts to fade and things start to get real, that's when he's going to start doing his own thinking.

When he does contact you, it will be important to be approachable, to be happy, and not to pepper in guilt or other shaming comments. That can be HARD but works wonders if you can pull it off. It makes you approachable versus ominous.



Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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