You know those times... when you're walking through the rain forest and come across a panther in quick sand, destined to die and they know it and you help them out and they bite your arm off?
Well, that's kinda like how you and your W are... the panther...
When you feel threatened, even though you are in pain already... and understand, your W feels this way, too... you lash out... more than defensively, you actually take an aggressor stance for a moment...
It took me the better part of a year to really get to a place where I do not react... Yes, the brain goes places... but the body does nothing until the brain has processed for a period of time, first...
KD what did you do to stop reacting. Just going Dark. At least I am AWARE I do it. I am working with counselor on this to help me. He described me and my W both as "intimidators" once I become a passive and non reactive "intimidators" hate this because you take the air out of their balloon. Easier said then done as you describe taking you 1 year to do this.
Yes... time and patience and practice... and yes, first one needs to be aware of it...
I needed to "decompress" from the drama and my anxiety that happened during the drama. First, removed myself... then, thought a lot... cried alot... stomped around alot... and as each volley from my W came at me that I perceived as negative... my physical and technological distance allowed for a forced time out... I had a chance to mull things over... the "48 hour rule" of shutting one's mouth for 48 hours before responding...
and as time went by, these "negative volleys" began to stop stinging... and then... they were just something for consideration that may or may not require a logical response...
Might be easier said than done, yes... but one still must do...
she cracks me up. just asked me to pick S up cuz she running late from shopping with mother. 3 days ago I get hate email about D. Amazing how ballsy they are. its her day on top of it. I had to say no unless she absolutely couldn't get back in time.
I can answer that one.....its because you still love her. Or rather the person you thought she was, or could have been, or might have been before the infection know as "looney tooney" took over her body.
Wow this is the biggest emotional roller coaster I have ever ridden on. I sat in a mediators office with my W a week ago. The mediator would not take our case because of my business situation and the fact that I wasn't ready for D and she was.
Wife sends me a very detailed Hate email on how she will sink me. Asking me to xfer cash into her acct for L retainer.
Sunday night I call her after kids are in bed and talk with her. Assuming she has L all lined up for this week. Told her I wanted to be amicable. I finally accept the D and she doesn't love me etc.
She then states I never obtained a L. As of today no L from her or no papers filed.
She was not happy with the discussion of the D and vaca house that happened in front of the kids. I actually 200% agree with her on this. This is a huge 180 area for me. I should have walked away when she was proding me with an electric caddle prod that day.
There is not worse feeling knowing you need to fix an area of yourself and struggling with it. Plus trying to fix controlling and reacting behaviors under the highest stressful time of my life.
Net Hamster rolls on and on and on.
Starting to re-read DB..
It was also tough to read that it to KD 1 year to stop reacting and I am only 4 1/2 months into a separation and feel my heart is going to explode at times
I feel your pain man, I was there, and I remember things didn't seem like they would ever get better, especially the first few months. I am only 3.5 months further down the road than you, but trust me that things will get better with time my friend. I am not where KD described he got to at the year mark, but I am making my way there slowly but surely. Most important thing being that if it ends in D or not, we will all be just fine.
Keep your chin up!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!