You're right, I need to stick to my path and stop trying to second guess what is motivating H.
I'm taking the kids out to see football today and to visit their grandparents. The weather is beautiful and we will have a full day. No idea when H will contact us again, although he does usually get in touch on a Sunday.
Advina, thanks so much for sharing your counsellor's advice about the kids. S13 asked me if he should ask his dad why he doesn't show up when he says he's going to and I said Yes.
No contact at all from H since he rang to say he'd be over to pick up S13 to take him to dog park on Sat afternoon and then didn't show.
H has never stayed out of contact with me or the kids for this long before. He hasn't even texted them - which is what he's done every night prior to this. So something is changing.
In the meantime, lots of GAL for me in school holidays.
Great fun watching football game yesterday (although as always, big reminders that H wasn't there with us as usual - and I tried to dodge lots of acquaintances who would ask where he was). Wonderful day at the beach today. Movies and dog obedience class planned for tomorrow.
Trying not to think about it, but H's no shows are making me focus on what is up with him - and when he will get back in touch.
No matter what he does, I'm still consumed.
Trying hard to live in the moment and focus on one day at a time.
You are getting stronger...even if you don't feel it, I read it in your posts.
Don't mind read about why he stood your son up (which is just wrong that he did that...makes me mad for you!). Don't mind read about why you haven't heard from him since. Whatever he's going through is HIS to go through. In the meantime, you are the strong mother at home providing a safe, healthy place for your children while also working to provide financially for their needs. They are so very blessed to have you.
I am SO glad to read about your stellar GAL. Way to go, and keep it up! The kids will look back on this time and remember all you are doing for them. They may not thank you now, but trust me...they are grateful for you.
Take care of yourself, and let us know when he finally surfaces. hugs, ncl
Thanks so much for your feedback. It's good to know that you can sense change in my POV.
MY GAL is hard-won - still don't feel like doing it and, of course, just when I start doing things that H used to really like doing as a family, he is not around to notice!
But I'm not doing them to get him back, I'm doing them for me and the kids ... I know (or, at least, I will accept this eventually).
I must admit to being a bit concerned in terms of the 'do what works' department.
Since I stopped being so available to H (i.e. stopped answering his every call), he has cut us off almost completely.
I realise that not much time has passed in relation to this - and that I might be making a mistake to draw a line between my going dim and his NC ... but it does concern me a bit.
He is SO retaliatory. He told me after I found out about his A that he did it only to get back at me for the hurt I had done to him.
Anyway, just need to be patient and keep trying to work on myself.
Great to hear from you as always, and I'll keep you posted!
Took the kids to the movies and tried to pay using my credit card. It was declined.
So humiliating but, hey, I'm used to it by now!
H is still in control of paying all of our bills - and obviously had not paid my credit card, so they had frozen it.
This despite his recent lengthy explanations that he had automated direct debit payments to my credit cards to ensure that just this situation didn't keep happening.
I texted him to say that the card was declined and "Could we fix?"
An hour or so later he texted back saying "It should be OK now".
Ten minutes later (and with no reply from me) my phone rings and it's him. I let it go, and then H tries D16 who also lets it go.
After the movie, I ring him back and he asks if he can come over as he needs to get the car re-lease documents re-signed as "there was an error in them last time" (I did them last week).
Now, surely he would have needed to get in touch with me about this - he was in a real rush to do it straightaway today. But he hasn't contacted me for 3 days...until I had to contact him to say that the credit card was frozen.
Passive aggressive control par excellence, or just me being paranoid???
When he did come over he was as nice as anything - without a word about the fact that we hadn't seen or heard from him since he said he was on his way over 3 days ago.
Just found out H got run over by the reality bus again on the weekend.
Need to vent - and gloat, I'm ashamed to say.
Who would have anticipated that, at 42 years old, he might have some trouble taking up football after not having played any sport since he was 18?
Apparently he spent the weekend having X-rays to check whether he'd broken 3 ribs after tackling a "fat guy". Said he could barely breathe, let alone move.
And now he's back on heavy-duty pain killers, this time for his ribs rather than the knee he busted 2 weeks ago. (Good combo, BTW, with the alcohol he's using now to numb his pain.)
And the season hasn't even started yet - his injuries came from pre-season 'friendlies'.
Shouldn't gloat, but can't wait for the real thing and some serious body contact with aggressive opponents who are 20 years younger or seriously experienced players, or just thugs.
Now, if only he could be knocked unconscious and wake up with amnesia - forgetting all this mlc BS....
Sometimes it takes getting your ribs crushed from a tackle by a fat guy to open your eyes to reality...if he doesn't have enough sense after that to grow up, perhaps he needs an MRI on his brain as well.
I'm just joking with you...I don't mean to make fun of what could have been a very bad situation for him, and I'm glad he wasn't injured more seriously.
Let him live his life...you keep living yours. Stay on the high road.
And I'd appreciate hearing anyone's feedback on the latest interaction with H - all seems so contradictory...I just don't know what to think/do any more.
H rang today and asked to meet at a cafe to talk. He'd been trying to set up a meeting for a few weeks but I kept saying I was too busy. I finally acquiesced as I was finding it all too stressful.
Now, having met him, I have a different level of stress to deal with, of course.
He was very nice and friendly and was happy to talk about any number of topics - movies, the kids, football, his ribs.
We sat for 2 hrs in the cafe and he pressed me twice to let him buy me a second cup of coffee. It was just like old times - we get on so well.
I told him I appreciated the fact that he was willing to talk with me (applauding the 1%) and that I was glad we could still have convos about movies, books, and stuff like we do. I said that there were so few people it was possible to have decent conversations with. He replied in strong agreement: "Isn't that the truth, I haven't had a decent conversation with anyone for so long" (!!!!)
He teared up repeatedly - about 4 times in the 2 hrs when we talked about the kids and about finances and so on. He told me I was being "wonderful"; that I was a "wonderful" person.
However, he also said at one point that "Nothing has changed" - i.e. that he is still going ahead with the separation and divorce.
He pressed me for details of who I had told about our separation - saying that he didn't want to say the wrong thing in front of people.
Then he asked if I was OK about his proposal (from months ago) to keep our finances the same for the next 5 years - i.e., he will make mortgage payments for next 5 years and also pay half of school fees until both kids are finished in 5 yrs time. (And then he will go for half of everything I have.)
Then he said things were really tough for his business at the moment and that his customers were not paying him. Because of 'our' cash-flow problem, I would need to go to the bank and explain that I needed to ask for a hardship provision on our mortgage payments - effectively stopping them for 3 months. This would free up money to pay school fees and other bills.
He also said I'd have to reduce the amount of my salary that was being paid into my superannuation (this is a significant tax saving for me), so that the money could be used to pay our bills.
He pressed me to say that I would do these things straightaway - he is obviously VERY pressured financially. When I hesitated and said that I would need to see some details about my financial situation - who pays for what at the moment, what our debts are, etc, he became agitated and said he would obviously have to get his lawyer to draft a separation agreement and divorce papers.
I'm OK in one sense about this - it may be the only way to get him to reveal details of our finances - BUT - I have had a huge bill from seeing my lawyer for 2 hrs already that I cannot afford to pay. So I don't know what to do.
If I have to pay for more lawyer time, I won't be able to pay the mortgage, and I will lose the house, ditto for him, and the kids will lose their schools.
Same old bind, really. The only difference now is that we seem to be getting on so well. I have been dropping the rope and DB-ing more carefully lately and it has paid off in terms of making him come towards me in much more friendly ways.
However, the issue of finances has always been a stumbling block. I get the sense that his business is teetering on the brink even more. If it founders, the kids and I will suffer - i.e. we will lose our home and they will lose their schools.
I feel like I need to buy time - time to show consistent change in me and in how we interact. I don't want to bust everything up over a couple of financial decisions. But I don't want to be a doormat either.
And maybe he is right. Perhaps now is not the time for me to be putting extra money into my superannuation, regardless of the long-term tax benefits. And perhaps using the 'hardship' provision on a home loan is no big deal - maybe it's just my protestant ethic kicking in (i.e., if you have a debt, you honour it and don't try to weasel out).
My lawyer will go adversarial, I know. But in my circumstances (both in relation to keeping his business going - which is in my best interest - and in terms of DB-ing, this might not be the best line of action. My H has only one mode when threatened: retaliation.
One other comment that H made during our convo in the cafe today seemed significant. It related to the fact that:
Yesterday, D16 texted H at dinner time to say that we were having roast beef and would he like to come over for dinner. The kids haven't seen H for a while and it was the last night of school holidays.
He texted back that he was covering an (expensive) shift answering phones and could not.
The background to this request is that Sunday night dinners were always our big family roast nights.
Up until a few months ago, h was still dropping by and staying to eat with us and watch a movie.
Today, he openly cried and asked me not to let the kids ask him for dinner any more as "I just can't handle it".
What does this say about where he is in the process?
I am SO confused.
I am focusing on living my own life as if he is no longer here, but these mixed messages keep bringing me down.
