I'm sorry you are having a down day, and I'm sorry for the others here, too, who are suffering. Just know that everything you are feeling is completely normal. No matter how much you work on your detachment - and you have done an EXCELLENT job on this - there are still going to be things that he says and does that will hurt, and I'm sorry for that.
Remember to give yourself a break. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to yell and scream about what a no good SOB he is and what a heartless demon that sorry ow is, do so to us here. We will validate everything you are feeling. I also have a very dear friend who allowed me to let it all out to her when I needed to. I never had to worry about her judging me or telling others. She would just listen and validate. And when my husband and I reconciled, she supported my decision and renewed her friendship with him. THAT is a true friend, and we all need someone like that in our lives. If you don't have a friend like that, can you go talk to a therapist? That is another "safe" place where you can let it all out when you need to.
Keeping the pain and hurt all bottled up isn't physically or emotionally healthy for you. Allow yourself the cry and rant, and then pick yourself up and dust yourself off. There were days when it would take all I had to get the kids to school, and I would come back home and literally pull the covers over my head and sob. But then, I'd get back up, take a shower and get on with life.
I admire your strength and grace throughout this battle for your marriage. You are an excellent example to your children, and I promise you that they will look back on this time later in life and appreciate the fortress you were for them. Only YOU know when you are done fighting for your marriage, and if/when that time comes, I will support your decision no matter what. Just keep taking things one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. Know that we all here care about you!
Take a hot bubble bath...eat some chocolate...drink a glass of wine...get some rest!
I am totally with you. Like I said on my thread I wish I could shake some sense into H. I keep hoping for signs of reconciliation but nothing. Sometimes I feel like a dog begging at the table for scraps. Some days I feel strong and like I will be fine but then memories sneak in or our wedding song will pop into my head and I lose it. I just think what the he## happened to my wonderful H???
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Thanks for your support - it really helps in times like these to know that you guys understand.
I've been pretty down the last couple of days.
So low, in fact, that I haven't been able to bring myself to answer the phone when I see it's H ringing.
Conditioned response, I suppose: when he contacts me it's usually painful.
So, three missed calls since yesterday.
And all I feel is a sense of relief.
What does this say about my commitment to db-ing?
I feel more and more like I am simply dragging out the agony. I can't heal from this with H around all the time. I keep thinking: if only he'd just disappear.
I am with you. I see H on the caller ID and my heart sinks. What bomb is he going to drop now? When he gets home from work I have to brace myself and put on the mask. It is so hard. I want to go dark sometimes, but I can't because of my children. You are definitely not alone!
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Thanks for your support - it really helps in times like these to know that you guys understand.
I've been pretty down the last couple of days.
So low, in fact, that I haven't been able to bring myself to answer the phone when I see it's H ringing.
Conditioned response, I suppose: when he contacts me it's usually painful.
So, three missed calls since yesterday.
And all I feel is a sense of relief.
What does this say about my commitment to db-ing?
I feel more and more like I am simply dragging out the agony. I can't heal from this with H around all the time. I keep thinking: if only he'd just disappear.
I remember that feeling well. When I would see h's name pop up on my phone from a call or text, I felt absolute dread...same thing with getting an email. I don't think it says anything negative about your commitment to DB'ing that you don't want to answer. I think you are trying to detach yourself from his drama and the pain he's caused you. If it's an emergency or very important, he'll find a way to get in touch with you. Otherwise, he can leave a message and you can get back to him when you feel like it.
I hope you find some happiness this weekend, NLW. Get out with your kids or go have a cocktail or lunch with a friend. Plant some flowers (I know how you love working in your garden). Get a good book from the library. Go for a walk. Breathe.......you can get through this.
nlw - I too go through phases where I am constantly looking for signs. When I am going through these phases I am actually not DBing. I think the ultimate in divorce busting (which is ideal and therefore impossible) is moving on with your life as if H is not coming back but being loving towards him so if he chooses to come back the door hasnt closed.
The more you look for signs the more pressure your H will feel to return. Even the tiniest most infanitisamal pressure your H will notice and run away from.
Seriously just be done with him, he is a fool for what he is throwing away.. You can do so much better
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
OK, know I shouldn't even wonder why, but I'm starting to feel more like an anthropologist about H's strange behaviour.
And it helps me to keep a journal of how things change in my sitch.
Again, today, H rang to say he would come over to see the kids - and then did not show up.
This has happened twice in the last week.
He called at 2.45pm to ask if he could take S13 to the dog park. I said that we were just on our way to get him a hair cut, but would call him when S was finished.
H then said that he wasn't planning on coming over for 2 hours and so he would see us then.
And then he just didn't show up. No call; no text.
S13 was left waiting and waiting for his dad, whom he hasn't seen since last Wednesday (for 15 mins).
D16 got a call from H at about the same time in the afternoon. But she couldn't answer because she works a checkout EVERY Sat afternoon and has done for the last 18 months, as we (including H) all know.
Be careful where you go with that theory. First, you're mind reading. But more important, are you going to now jump to answer the phone so that he won't retaliate on the kids? (I hope the answer is no.)
He needs to form his relationship with the kids without you trying to control it. You don't know for sure there's a straight line between your decreased availability and his inconsideration to his S.
I've talked to my counselor a lot about my desire to make sure my H is there for his kids, and what she advised me was to be open to talking with the kids, ask questions based on what I observe, see how they're doing and if they want any advice on how to handle it. Encourage them to share their feelings with their dad. It's a fine line because I don't want to suggest to them that their dad is being a turd, but I want them to feel free to have that opinion for themselves and deal directly with their dad on it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
