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NLW, you are only limited by you! I say, Go For IT!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: NLW
Journalling...

Another day, more baby steps -or maybe just H trying to be nice to me to get what he wants...

I don't know and I don't really care too much anymore.

It seems to me that by the time you can detach enough to truly move forward with your life without thinking of your spouse, you probably don't even really know if you want to reconcile with them any more.

I've been less focused on H - not answering all his calls, getting off the phone and saying goodbye first, making myself scarce when he's in our house, GALing, etc.

And sure enough, he's started pursuing me more.

So, just a post to remind everyone - particularly those new-ish to the horror, that moving on with your life as if H is not a part of it anymore does seem to produce changes in an H's behaviour.

Now whether this means anything in the longer term, I don't know. And I know enough not to have any expectations.

One day at a time - for many more months to come .....



I'm loving the strength I'm reading in your posts. Keep your focus on you and taking care of your kids and watching over your parents. And by all means, go for it with the rowing! You are going to be an even hotter mama!


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Ok, need to vent a bit today.

It was parent-teacher interview night at D16's school - and time for a dose of consequences for H.

He'd obviously been anxious about the event - when he bought the kids home from school today, he didn't even turn off the car in the driveway. Kids said he hadn't spoken to them all the way home as had been p'ed off at S13 for being slow to come to the car after school.

A big change from the way he'd been acting in the last week - all friendly and staying back after drop-offs to help with homework.

Anyway, I get to school for the first appointment and end up calling H to see where he is. He says he is driving away from school as he doesn't know where the interviews are held (he hadn't asked me - I'd assumed we would have discussed it when he dropped the kids home this afternoon).

He is massively p'ed off. I patiently explain where I am and eventually he turns up.

First interview and teacher expresses surprise that D16's marks have dropped and that she is always late with her assignments.

After the interview, H tells me this is because she is now too busy going to proms and the movies every weekend. I don't say what I think, but just agree that this could be the problem.

Next interview, same story. D16 was an A student and is now getting Cs.

Next interview, form teacher asks why D16's attitude may have changed.

We are sitting in a corridor, with other parents cueing behind us - and all can pretty much overhear what we are saying.

H is looking meaningfully at me with his eyebrows raised and I can tell he wants to announce to the teacher that we are separated.

He is just about jumping out of his skin to do it.

I feel like the situation is completely inappropriate. I would probably burst into tears and all the parents waiting behind us would hear/see what was happening.

We exit the interview and walk to a slightly secluded spot and all hell breaks loose.

H attacks me verbally for not telling the teacher about us, and when I try to say I felt it was not the time to do it, he gets even more agitated.

He ends up swearing at me and stomping off (literally), saying that he will not continue with the charade. He refuses to see any more of the teachers with whom we have scheduled meetings - including those who have expressly asked to see us to discuss D16's work.

H is incandescent with rage.

He seems desperately to need me to announce to the world that we are separated.

If he could have me wear a placard bearing the category "Separated' or "About to Divorce", he would be much happier, I feel.

Not sure if it's just guilt-induced anger erupting (over what he's doing to D16) or if he's annoyed about not being able to flaunt OW in public while he's still got a wife in the eyes of all who know him.

Got hold of 'Co-dependent No More' and found the stuff on detachment really useful, so I was in a much better place to deal with his public outburst tonight.

Still makes me sad to witness the effects of all this on our kids.

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Ugh...gotta love (NOT) the rollercoaster of the WAS/MLC'er.

My advice is to put what you have learned about detachment into practice. Do not get back on HIS rollercoaster. Simply step back, refocus on yourself and the kids, and give him his time and space to be angry and get over it.

Don't try to mind read about what this little fit was about. If he chooses to tell people the two of you are separated, so be it. That is his choice, and you cannot control it. You have chosen to not tell certain people about the separation. That is your choice, and he cannot control it (don't allow him to). You don't owe him any explanations for your choices.

I'm glad you found some good material on detachment. Read it over and over again. If you haven't gotten "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" yet, please consider doing so.

I know it is hard to witness the effect your husband's choices have on the kids, but again...they are HIS choices. Do not own them. Just do your very best to provide your children with a loving and stable home from YOU.

hugs...ncl


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My W tries to convince herself and me that this D can be a positive for the kids. When things show up that counters that thought i think her guilt and fear of what shes doing to those she cares about makes her scared, which turns to anger. then whos her favorite outlet for anger? yours truly. i think this kinda reaction is pretty script. Dont let it get at you.


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Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Your H is totally passive aggressive. Why didnt he just tell the teacher?? Why is it your job to tell the world?? Let him tell everyone, you didnt stop him. He is nuts


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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I would tell your kids' teachers asap. This is no longer about you and him. At least they can look out for your kids when you're not around. Forget about what a d*ck your H is.

When he starts ranting like that, hold up your hand and tell him that you are not going to be treated that way any longer and walk away with your head held high. Don't be afraid.

When he starts cussing at you, don't take the bait. Just walk away.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Thanks guys for your input - it really helps when I am feeling as down as I am tonight - almost like I'm going insane with the worry and unreality of it all.

H came over and announced that he'd gone to D16's school and told her form teacher today that we had 'separated'. So soon after last night's interview, apart from anything else, it makes me look like an idiot. But then again, I am.

This woman is also a mother at S13's school as well, so everyone there will know now, and S13 is upset about this. His school was the one place where he could be 'divorce-free', as it were.

Even S13 commented that daddy is behaving like a teenager having tantrums: "He's so angry and just grunts at you and won't talk properly - Why?"

Finding it hard to keep going right now. How I want to scream at this man and shake him. Alternately, I fantasise about him just 'disappearing'. If only he would just evaporate or implode or something. Just NOT BE HERE ANY MORE.

Yuk, I'll get through this, but it's sometimes almost too much to bear, as you all know....

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ncl,

Just to let you know I do have the book "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and I am reading it.

Thanks for your continuing support. It means so much to see your posts.

Best, NLW.

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In the words of Dory from Finding Nemo....
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming."

Hang in there!!! Ncl


aka lc4 : )
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