Another weekend in the ER with my father. He fell over again and had to be taken to hospital by ambulance.
I took the call from my mother at a cafe where the kids, H and I had stopped off after rowing training (kids had begged H to stop and although at first he said "no", he then relented).
He heard everything I said on the phone to my mum about my dad being rushed to hospital, but didn't say a word about it after I got off the phone. Nor did he offer to drive S13 to his practice later in the afternoon, although he knew I'd have to be at the hospital.
Just weird, as my dad was like a father to H and, up until bomb drop, H had been his confidante. I suppose I'll just never understand....
Sorry to hear about your father NLW. When it rains it pours.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Yes, NLW, as painful as it is, that's the reality and acceptance is the key. It doesn't mean that there is no chance of reconciliation but your best hope is to create a life for you and you children.
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Just weird, as my dad was like a father to H and, up until bomb drop, H had been his confidante. I suppose I'll just never understand....
Not really as the WAS has usually been emotionally divorced from us for a while before they leave. In their heads, they've already cut those old ties. Once we understand and believe that it all becomes easier.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks, Labug. It's interesting that you bring that up - it reminded me that just before bomb drop, my H and I had been on a cruise with my parents and my dad got very sick - nearly died in fact. H was the one who took over and cared for him in a very intimate way (toileting/showering, etc) as my dad wouldn't let me do it, and my mum was too frail.
The day after we got back, H announced he 'couldn't do it anymore'. I think the pressure he felt seeing my dad nearly die and having to be the one who cared for him was the straw that broke the camel's back. He'd already pretty much detached in his mind, but the need to be the responsible, caring SIL, H, Father just produced too much incongruence for him. The A with OW had started back up and this is when H started to refer to himself as a 'scumbag' and 'dirtbag'.
So, thinking about what you said, I need to realise that H cut those ties 7 months ago, and I've been clinging on under the belief that he'd have to come to his senses at any moment and see what he's missing in leaving us.
But once you cut those ties, it must be almost impossible to go back. And in a sense, there is no 'going back'. It can't be done.
Which is why the emphasis has to be on going forward; on things, and people, being different.
I'm so sorry to read that your daddy is having a difficult time again. I am praying for all of you and your family.
Know that while your husband may have tried to cut those emotional ties to your daddy, he still on some level must have somewhat of a connection to him and be concerned, even if he isn't showing it. It's so hard to mind read a person who is going through MLC, so don't even begin to try...but know that there is probably some concern there.
I will say that during each of my 3 separations, I went through some very difficult times on my own (taking my youngest who was seriously ill to the ER on my own followed by my own serious illness which I suffered through while taking care of 4 kids on my own, family members dying, etc), and my H wasn't there at all. Now that he has come out of his fog, I've had to work very hard to put those times behind me and forgive. Either way, as I encountered each obstacle, I learned how much I could endure on my own. I see this happening in you, as well.
My H called last night to ask how my father was going - and he even volunteered to go speak to him (I'd reported that my father was being a bit difficult with a new Dr).
I declined the offer (as I know my father would tear H to shreds over what he is doing to us - H must still think I haven't told my parents).
In the meantime, I can report also that the advice I've been receiving here lately from you and others - to move on with my life - is producing the classic responses from H.
He's started calling me again instead of just texting, and is even sending funny emails.
Last night, after dropping the kids off, he came in to the house and sat with S13 to do homework - first time in months.
He also started to fix some doors, a broken kettle and some lights around the house that I had asked him about months ago.
He's also started to come to events at the kids' schools with me.
And interestingly, when the kids and I were talking about the recent quiz night that I went to, alone, at S13's school, H asked why he wasn't told about it.
I held back from saying - why would I bother to tell you about THAT when you haven't even been willing to go to things like speech nights and concerts that your own kids are performing in??? Instead, I just said "You were away at the time".
Anyway, I'm getting on and doing things regardless of whether H comes or not, but it's worth reporting that the classic distance/pursuit cycle is occurring yet again.
At the moment, I'm thinking of taking up rowing. I figure it's a good sport for all-round fitness and, at my age, it might not result in too many stress injuries. Both my kids do it, so we could make it a family affair.
Plus...I figure it might be a good way to meet some single guys with good physiques!
Anybody out there know anything about rowing?
Would it be too silly of me at age 53 to start?
I do use ergos at the gym, but find it a bit hard to do well - as well as a bit boring. Rowing on the river looks so beautiful by comparison.
Another day, more baby steps -or maybe just H trying to be nice to me to get what he wants...
I don't know and I don't really care too much anymore.
It seems to me that by the time you can detach enough to truly move forward with your life without thinking of your spouse, you probably don't even really know if you want to reconcile with them any more.
I've been less focused on H - not answering all his calls, getting off the phone and saying goodbye first, making myself scarce when he's in our house, GALing, etc.
And sure enough, he's started pursuing me more.
So, just a post to remind everyone - particularly those new-ish to the horror, that moving on with your life as if H is not a part of it anymore does seem to produce changes in an H's behaviour.
Now whether this means anything in the longer term, I don't know. And I know enough not to have any expectations.
One day at a time - for many more months to come .....
As I get more and more detached I don't know if I want IT back.
I like weight lifting. I never really thought of it as a way to meet men. But it turns out, you end up talking to more people than you realize just by going around the gym doing different exercises.
I have had marines tell me they admire my intensity when I work out. Funny. I don't like the cardio machines. I bet rowing would give you a great workout and some peace.
I get a lot of hellos just putting my paddleboard off and on my car. Tending a row boat would work the same, I'm sure.
Take Care!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
