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Originally Posted By: snodderly
Without a doubt...money is the only language they appear to hear while in crisis. The sound of money passing hands nearly drives them insane and they do not want to be fair. They'd rather have us standing on the corner w/a tin cup versus providing for the children and spouses according to the judicial system. They do not think about the consequences of their actions until the purse strings are pulled.


So true. My wife is doing the same thing. I was a stay at home dad while she worked on her MBA. After paying my attorney I am almost broke. Meanwhile she has a great paying job. Of course she refuses to negotiate any terms of our divorce because she wants to not give me any thing. She is trying to starve me off my funds which is happening. In the beginning she secretly went to an attorney while we were in MC. After she asked for a divorce she told me not to go to a lawyer because it was too expensive. She wanted to dictate to me what she thought was fair. All the while treating me like a lazy bum who leeched off of her the last 18 years. I definitely believe she is in a MLC because all of what I read here sounds familiar.


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Really, these kinds of financial discussions need to be done in the mediator's office. I would defer any future discussions by saying "We really ought to discuss this with the mediator".

The truth is, nobody wins in a divorce, and you will both end up feeling like you got shafted. The trick is to feel equally shafted - then it's probably a fair agreement.

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Sadly H sucked me into another talk, he started it. I tried to be nice. He got nasty, and stormed off to his room. Sulked, didn't eat dinner, told me I still need to feed him since I'm taking his money.

He made more threats about money, which I just don't get. I ended up crying a whole bunch, and then realized IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER.

Some how or another he has turned into a flaming a$$hole. Maybe he was all along and I was looking at him through extra strength rose colored glasses.

No matter. I just need to take care of myself. I need to figure out where to go, what to do with myself. I need to get off the fence.

He and I need to not be under the same roof. He has a lot of growing up to do. It is just too painful for me to be part of the process. Since selling the house and getting divorced seem to be part and parcel I guess I need to just work my magic and make it happen.

And yes KML, the talks need to not be held here anymore. I won't let him suck me in again.

And try as I might, I cannot validate when he throws mean accusations at me. I know they are his feelings, but he does and says things just to get me mad. Only I don't get mad, I just cry. I think he is confusing me with OW who gets mad and fights. I actually am starting to think he likes to fight.

Oh Well.......


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Yeah, he might actually like the fighting - weird, huh?

But mostly, he's spinning because he's bumping up against the reality of divorce - something none of them really think about when they embark on their affairs. And he's probably feeling ambivalent (because, truthfully, the guys who are truly happy with their OW and optimistic about their future with her, do NOT tend to stir up these kinds of fights.)

Keep it in the attorney's office. Refuse to get sucked in out of the office. And yes, you need to figure out what you're going to do with your life, and continui9ng to live under the same roof is probably not a plan. Still, talk to your attorney before making any decisions.

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Wendy, you don't HAVE to validate... that is your choice...

But validating can just be saying, "I understand you feel that way"...

Again, it is up to you and sometimes, in that moment... in their MLC anger outbursts... it just doesn't matter...

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@KLM: Yes, I see the spinning from him bumping into reality. And reality for me is moving on. I have taken such small steps compared to some on these boards. For me to just go to the flea market alone is huge. I always do things with other people. Funny, when I was younger I did so much alone, didn't want or need help.

I remember going to the flea market, alone, to sell stuff many times. And one time I cut myself, really bad, in Albuquerque, and I had two stoned guys on one side and a grumpy guy on the other. The gal who collected the money came around and gave me some napkins out of her fanny pack. Later some random stranger gave me some big bandaids. After that I quit going alone. Maybe I should have just got a first aid kit?

@ Kaffe: I did call H today and tell him I realized I never know what to say to him, and that I understood how he could feel the way he felt.

We had the kids visiting, we went to dinner and he stayed home. We had margeritas for dinner. Bad idea for me. The gal who is supposed to be in charge of hanging the quilts for the quilt show is letting me down big time. If she hasn't figured it out by noon tomorrow I will take over and amke sure it gets done right.

She told me she knew my kids. I brought up her name 3 times to my kids. The first two, no response. The third time, AFTER she volunteered to hang the show, my DIl told me of some nutty stuff she did at their old condo complex..... Oh Well!

I'm off to bed to get some sleep to face my sure to be an interesting day tomorrow! At least my quilt turned out beautiful!


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
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I got up this morning, took care of the dogs and came in to sit in my Woman Cave. I have been trying to not be around H in the mornings....

He asked me several questions from the other room. I went out to answer him. He decided he wanted to talk. (He only talks in the morning....)

Of course he wanted to talk money. He was asking me questions about our budget. For some odd reason he wanted to explain to me that he just couldn't live on the amount of money I said I wanted. (Which is 1/3 for me 2/3 for him) I was absolutely flabbergasted when he explained to me that this would never allow him to remarry, as he wouldn't have enough to support a spouse.

I let him talk, zipped it, and DID NOT say what I really wanted to, which was that it wasn't my problem. When he pressed me harder I told him he should get a piece of paper and work out what all his expenses were going to be.

The most amazing part of the whole conversation was his using our current mortgage as part of his future plans. I did explain to him that fuzzy math wasn't going to work. All that matters is how much he will have and how much I will have.

The questions he started with were ones about why we don't have any spare money right now. (Boat and adult children who are allowed to sponge off us was the answer) And I have been slowly cutting off S22, and I thought H and I were on the same page about what to do about our failure to launch child.....

I only answered questions, didn't ask any of my own. Very difficult concept for me.

Okay, time to go hang quilts.


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
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Hi Wendy,

Your STBX just amazes me the level of denial...omg...but then I can see that sort of denial in my retired bird colonel Dad. Only sees what he wants and expects things to always be "profile nominal", no matter what he is doing...must be something in the .mil command lifestyle that sets this up...lol.

Hang in there, your doing great with your new skills!

smile

T^2


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Hey T^2!

Funny thing, my H is a retired bird colonel. And sitting in a civil service money job where his word is golden.

He was nothing but nice to me last night and this morning. I steered clear and hid in my Woman Cave. So in my baby steps manner, I finally made it so I don't sit and watch TV with him.

The setup for the quilt show continues today. It was crazy yesterday, but finally got done. Today I'm taking in a bunch of my sons pottery. They like to deccorate up the show with flower arrangements.

Some of my new detachment skills worked great for me yesterday. I wasn't letting any of the crazy bother me. And when some ladies were grumping at each other I just validated their feelings with taking sides.

The security guard who sits in the foyer of the gallery where we are holding the show was a little fillipino girl. She wittnessed several of the gals coming to me and melting down over this or that. I would deal then they would walk away, and she would be beside herself with the giggles.......

(Okay, even I thought the gal who said: "If you hang my quilt there I'm just going to take it home!" was a little funny)

Onward today with the growing up of Me process.

Aloha,

Wendy


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
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Oh Kaffe! You made me cry! Thanks......

Answering on this thread as to no be out of line. I may have said plainly that I'm filing for divorce, I not waiting for him anymore, I see so plainly that he believes himself to be in love with other womam.

But I realized I will always love him. He is the father of my children. He was everything to me for these past 33 years,

What I realized to edge me toward the Big D is that I don't have to quilt loving him. I just don't need to be married to him and keep letting him treat me the way he does. I truely do need to save myself.

Someone on here says to put your marriage in a box, keep it safe. I'm doing that, my marriage, my love and I will keep it safe. Let him go through what ever and who ever he has to. Maybe some day he will grow up catch up man up.

Meanwhile I'm moving on as best I can, gonna protect me.


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
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