Wendy, I think Cadet is right....happy birthday! Do something special and leave the mlc monster out of it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The day didn't start out very well. STBX was headed out when I came down to let the dogs out. I was trying to miss seeing him, but the dogs were being silly. (Maybe because they didn't get fed 'til very late last night and all had to go!)
STBX said to me: "What are you planning on doing today?" And I said since it was my birthday I was going to finish my quilt. He seemed suprised it is my birthday. Of course he has never made a big deal out of birthdays, forgotten many and in general has never made any holiday a priority.
Mother's Day is another of my favorites...... He says the classic line: "You're not my mother." Well he never taught his kids to do anything about that, either. I have always gotten him a Father's Day card, made sure the kids did too and ALWAYS got him a gift. (And the only Mother's Day Cards and presents his mom ever got were purchased and sent by me.....)
This year I announced in front of my two sons and my DIL that being as I am their mother, and DIL is the mother of S27's children that I expected them to put their two heads together and figure out how we were going to celebrate this occasion! I told them they can leave their dad out of this plans but that DIL and I expected something to happen.
As to my birthday today, I'm headed out to Denny's for my free Birthday Grand Slam! I will work on my quilt all day, and then my friend has plans for us to go to Mongolian BBQ at Camp Smith tonight.
I'm feeling a little down, but once I get the quilt on the frame and the longarm going I will feel better. The quilt top got finished last night and it came out pretty good. It turned out with an amazing 3D effect. I love playing with my indigo dye and making fabric to make my quilts!
I also went to Macy's Monday and used up a gift card and a great coupon and got a new purse that ended up being 75% off! SO I got myself a gift!
I did tell off STBX yesterday, because as I was going over the pay statement for the lawyer stuff I did see where he did start an allotment to his account. He screwed around with the tax deductions trying to make the money come out the same. It hasn't been, and I had questioned him several times on this. He gave me BS answers.
I called him on the BS answers and explaimed to him that moving money and BS'ing about it is still telling a lie. And I also explained robbing Peter to Pay Paul. He just doesn't care. He is deep in the fog and not the man I married.
One of the things he said to me before was that the travel money was going into that account. Well I got travel money in our joint account and that is what got my attention. Anyway, he also said he was within his "Budget". Another unilateral decision on his part.
I explained to him that a budget is something people do together. He knows that as he handles billions of dollars in his job. I also told him that I'm not some shell game he can play with when it comes to money, unlike the way the government does it!
He gave me lots of whining about how he has to ask me for money, blah, blah, blah. He got mad when I pointed out he set up his own account, taking only $250 every two weeks out, but yet still asks me for his $40 a week lunch money.
Then he handed me several more lies about how he spent money on stuff for the house. I read the credit card bills. He uses a credit card everytime he buys paint or whatever. He also claims he used the money for going away lunches for people at work.
More lies, as he has asked me for more money several time recently just for that. It isn't much money, but it is money spent seeing OW and probably for buying her gifts. And it really is more about the lies!
So I am no longer going to worry about getting him his $40. He is going to have to figure this all out by himself. He had a bank account of his own, he has a debit card and a credit card. And he claims to have a budget.
Aloha All!
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Yesterday turned out okay after all. My oldest son and his wife and my two granddaughters hung out with me. We had Denny's brunch, went to the mall and bought shoes for the girls, andsome shirts and a racer back bra for me. (To go with my new shirts showing off my yoga arms!
I got my quilt worked on while they went home and changed for dinner. We went to the Mongolian BBQ and it was fun. My friend brought me a cake.
We got back to my house and H was watching TV. Earlier I had sent him a text telling him I had fed the dogs and that we were headed out to dinner. (Since we were leaving the kids car and taking mine, I didn't want him to be too confused,)
He sent me a text saying OK, then another saying he had a late meeting and just got home. It also said: "Have fun." We hadn't discussed anything about any plans for my birthday. So I wasn't really worried about including him in these plans.
I understand some people think we can remain friends thru a D. I just don't know how. Then when we got home there was a bithday card from him waiting for me. A funny one and only signed with his name, no "Love". Of course after the anniversary card he gave me signed love followed by that same night him telling me plainly he still wanted to D........ he might have learned one lesson.
I just wonder when I will get over waking up in the morning and reaching over for him. That 33 year habit is hard to break. And when I realize that he really is GONE, he considers himself to be OW's now it is just hard.
This isn't playing out well. Circumstances beyond my control. I don't think he will get it for awhile. Like maybe a year after living with her.
And everyone says I will find a better life. Which is too bad, I wanted to keep the life I had. Sure wish I could have fixed it. I guess I will always love my STBX. I will just have to keep on letting go, anyway.
I guess there will be room in my heart to love someone else. At least my dogs cuddle with me!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
It's funny how, at these times (special events), the feelings get sad because we reminisce about the good times had during those special times. I'm sure he will wake up one day, and realize what an a-hole he's been. From what this OW sounds like, his life with her (if it ever ends up being with her) will be hell.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I also do the same thing every morning, reach over and give my H a hug. This morning, I was thinking of how much time do I have left to keep doing this. My H has never been much of a hugger, and when I do this, in the old days he would just lean against me, and we would share a few thoughts here and there, but now, its just like a hugging a warm, silent pillow.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
My STBX will still hug me back. But I quit going to his room in the mornings. I had been doing that pretty much the whole time we were sleeping apart. And of course there was the 2 months when we were sleeping in the same bed and OW thought we were sleeping in seperate beds.
I did go climb in bed with him the other morning when the dog bit me. And like always he hugs me to him for awhile, then seems to remember he isn't supposed to do that and he turns away from me. I have made it 2 months and only gone in to lay with him 2 times. (No sex, in case anyone wonders...)
I guess like any habit I will eventually change it. Someone else was writing a few months back about sleeping, hugging, etc. I sure do miss that. But whatever......
Life is short and I want to enjoy what there is to enjoy!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
STBX and I ended up having a talk. Brought up by the fact that I hadn't gotten the papers to file for a divorce filed out completely. They emailed me stuff. And I was going over it with him for some of the stuff he knows.
And I told him what the lawyer said to me, which was that one or the other of us would get mad before this process was over and it would become a contested case. I then may have made that happen.
I was going over the money with him and told him what the lawyer told me, which was that I was asking for too little. And STBX started giving me crap about how was he supposed to live on X amount of dollars.
The division we are working on was giving me 30% and him 70% of is income. The lawyer suggested a more fair number would be 35% for me and 65% for H. He is a mediator lawyer, but technically represents me. He agreed to work with me and see if we could keep this sane.
So STBX got all grumpy and said he would just quit his job and then I wouldn't get anything and that would be my problem. Funny, funny man. Wonder how long OW will love him if he tries to live on half his military retirement income.
Back to what words started this falling out. STBX wonders how he is supposed to live on 65-70% but doesn't worry about me living on 30-35%. So I broke it down for him......
And then he had the nerve to tell me that all I had to do was go find some guy to support me. I told him that might be the mindset of some people we know, it wasn't mine!
On that happy note we all went to our respective bedrooms. And now I can't sleep, so I came to my Woman Cave to babble to you all!
Guess I'll take my sick grumpy self back to bed and hope i feel better in the morning!
Thaanks for listening to me vent.....
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
They truly are selfish, aren't they? These MLC'ers! In Canada, and particularly our province, I can get up to half his earnings because it's a long marriage, and I was mostly a SAHM, and have very little chance of matching his salary (even half). The govt here is very sympathetic to the spouse who was the emotional supporter who stayed at home, giving up their chances of a real career. That was me, once we had children. I wouldn't ask for 50%, but I could get it, if I wanted. Half of our stuff is mine, which includes the debt (not a lot). Our children are mostly grown, out the house, and independent. Our youngest, 19, is still at home, but she's attending university, and has 2 years to go. I am at uni too, hoping to have my own career as a writer. Not likely to earn as much as my H as a writer, but at least I can supplement my alimony if I get a job as a business writer or web writer, or something like that.
Anyway, enough about me. How are you doing today? It's sad and weird when one starts talking finances, isn't it. Feels inevitable. I bet they just want to leave, and get on with their fantasy life. But, they can't because they have already had decades of married life with their spouses. Hard to forget that, as much as these MLC'ers try.
I rarely go into my H's room, even when he's away. I've stopped all physical contact. But, you're quite new-ish to this "game", so you will still miss that contact. I did, at this stage and even further down the line. For me, it's been slowing down over 7 years, and I've been without him on a constant level since he travels so much. Makes it easier.
Take care, Wendy. Have you done any exercise today? Had a good breakfast? Me? Not, I'm afraid, but it's still early here - 8:12am. Got a call from D31 in Germany about an hour ago, so she got me up for the day. D19 went to a birthday party last night, so she slept over, since she will be drinking (allowable at this age in British Columbia). So, I'm alone in this big house. No homework to keep me occupied, so I think I shall get to writing, and continue my spring cleaning.
I shall now stop writing this novel.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
So STBX was mad at me this morning. Because I dropped a bomb on him about the money. He says he has options and he will decided which to take soon. He thanked me for making sure he didn't get any sleep.
Option 1 is to get a lawyer and fight me tooth and nail about inheritance, money that is in our names but is my mothers we are protecting from my drug addict brother, and anything else he can think of.
Option 2 is he quits his job and there won't be any money, (I laughed there because that would put OW out of the picture, as she is all about the money.) Can't wait to hear what his future lawyer tells him about that plan.
Option 3 is that he kills himself so I can just have it all.
Anyway, I feel good, I called him on his bluff. He can't just think he walks away with all the money and leaves me living poor. I'm glad I finally stumbled on a lawyer who is a decent guy.
Now Off to finish that quilt!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
