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scared working with counselor on monday about triggers

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Originally Posted By: netmaster
Kd did some research on PA and I definitely have some of those character flaws. Also seems to tie into my childhood upbringing


while it's crucial for all of us to understand why we do what we do, I find it gets very old to keep looking at childhood issues that "make us" how we are today.

In my 20s I attended some Adult Children of Alcholics meetings a few times. I saw someone I knew there. 5 years later he told me about his other ACOA groups and asked if I wanted to attend.

Why would I need to attend those meetings for 6 years of my adult life? I learned what I learned and I finally let go of the past.

I believe He liked being a victim or was so used to it that he did not change HIMSELF...

Every single Christmas he re-told the story of how his drunken father had ruined their holidays as a kid. He was in his 3rd marriage....still nursing his wound.

He was continuously Asking "Why did this happen to ME as a kid and why am I this way?"

INSTEAD Of asking

"how can I be a better man NOW?"
OR celebrating the new family life he had.

MANY mc's and ICs' spend way too much time on our past. If we have not gained any insights into why we are how we are, by the time we're 30, we have been in mental caves...

My point isn't in putting all that therapy down--not at all. Been there, done that. IT has value!

But at some point you jusst have to suck it up and CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR and until you choose to do that

a whole lot of time can be spent on "WHY??? WHY???"

and the thing is, the answers do not matter if you don't react in a new way.


This site presents you with "Solution based therapy" and that approach is simple but radically different than many...

INstead of piecing toether your history and re-hashing all the things that happened to you or that you think happened to you....which takes SO LONG before you even get to improving the r....

DBIng...solution based approach-& "doing what works", etc

we are all about doing what helps the r today , NOW

and doing less or none of what hurts it....

THAT'S it in a nutshell.


So while you talk to your c about why this and that - make sure you are not dallying too long in victimland where you get to excuse choices made as an adult

b/c of things that happened to you or that you think did...long ago.

Plus,

For example


let's say your w was sexually abused as a kid. That's a terribly traumatic event. It would effect nearly any woman. So, Does it belong in the marriage?

Is it a "good" reason for her to withhold sex or to fake enjoyment or to fear it? Of course not.

It's a bad thing that happened to her in the past and TODAY it's

HER problem to work on, mostly in private therapy

and maybe you can sometimes attend something IF SHE ASKS

so you'd know how you can best support HER PRIVATE work...

same goes for you.

NONE of the past issues from your childhood excuse your losing your temper or the nastiness of the comments or the quick escalations of your temper...NONE...

Own them and that means no more blaming others. And Fix them. Stop asking "why" so often and just choose differently.

That's what CBT is about and same for DBing and that's what the workshop is going to do and get it to sink in.

I think At some level the cause of the poor reaction or behavior can be irrelevant --- b/c after all, we have child soldiers from the Sudan who grow up to live in our country.

They don't get to kill or main b/c of "their past childhood abuse" although their abuse experiences were real and horrible.

They must adapt their behavior. AND So do you.


The more time you spend on asking "Why?",

I fear,

the longer it'll be before any change in you really takes hold.

Good luck


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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