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Hi Net - I didn't think you 'got' my question because you answered it "of course" and I don't think it was that simple. I looked at your statement:
It is a huge trigger. Like when my S goes to a park with another father and his S and I'm like that should be me.
And I thought you aren't understanding what being a great father is. That sounds harsher than I mean, but when you can barely stand that your S goes somewhere with a friend instead of with you, you're at risk of putting too much pressure on him to be the Exhibit A of your awesome fatherness, which you seem to identify as an important facet of yourself.
Awesome fathers provide what their kids need in the situation that they are in. They can't create a perfect world, much as they'd like to, because the world isn't perfect. You shelter him when he needs it but you let him grow and learn too, roots and wings. You show him through your actions what it means to dig in and persevere, to handle adversity, to be strong and also capable of feeling and showing emotion.
I think you're doing a great thing by getting counseling to help you exorcise the demons of your past. Part of getting better is practicing being better, and noticing each time you slip up, and noticing the slip-ups becoming fewer and farther between. It's not a switch you can flip. But each time you find yourself slipping up, don't excuse it by pointing to your past or your W, recognize that it's behavior you want to learn to control and pick yourself up and try again.
Try counting how many times you succeeded in avoiding a trigger or being nonreactive to a trigger, notice and praise yourself, until you catch yourself succeeding more and more often.
Adinva 47 H48 T22 M19 S15 S13 6/15/11 IDLY 6/11-12/12 in-home sep 12/16/12 H moved out Nothing signed yet ____ Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)
I'm really been thinking about Tuesday a lot lately even though I know its not healthy. Its coming so be it. I'm going to go in an listen and my goal is minimal reactions. I will be working with counselor a few hours before to get me in this mind frame.
At the end of the session the mediator usually asks the couple how they want to proceed. Here is where I'm stuck..
I'm thinking I don't want this D but she does. So my thoughts are sticking to my guns as I've always said in the past. "This is not the path I would like to take for our family but if you feel this is the path you need to take then I respect your feelings" I don't want to decide on the spot. I want to take a few days etc..
This weekend has been very emotional for me. Just happens to be her weekend so I don't have the kids that much. Lots of alone time even with the GAL I did
I'm scared about boundaries. Scared yes. Like part of me says it is better off not to be bitter and just be friends. But I'm not ready to be friends at all. I know that being friends is the best for the kids.
I'm scared about holidays, birthdays, and all the sad things that come with a splintered life.
Just last night I turned down going to his friends birthday because it was her weekend with the kids. I just feel I have to get use to this life and of course I didn't get an invite this time around from W. (expected I know)
All this stuff just frankly scares me. I do know that being civil and letting go of bitterness and anger toward her would serve us and the kids best but I'm not there.
Those are mostly the thoughts that consume me. Not so much getting back together with W or losing W but losing the family life and how it will all pan out
Loc: West Coast Canada
I'm really sorry to hear you are hurting so badly, the pain in your posts is palpable. You do have the power to get yourself to a happier headspace as long as you're willing to do the work necessary to get yourself there. Once you truly get tired of feeling this way, you'll become fully motivated to turn this around.
It's never too late to become the person you've always wanted to be.
If you might recall, there was a thread some time ago, a global discussion about how members of this community felt about canned responses to newbies. Many spoke about these canned responses and felt that they are still valuable because it's wise advice that fits any and every situation, whether it's a WAW, WAH, MLC, or whatever.
Notice how Cadet always posts to newbies that they have been given the gift of time and to use that time wisely?
There's a reason for this. Every LBS finds themselves in their situation because their WAS does not like them and who they have become. When Cadet speaks of this gift of time and to use it wisely, he's saying to use the time to re-evaluate who you have become and discard any habits that are offensive. He's saying use the time to develop yourself into the person you've always wanted to be.
Thus, the WAS has truly given us the gift of time to do that. There's many in this community who have used this time to do just that and have managed to R their M because they've come back to being the likeable person their S remembers and fell in love with. There's also many in this community who have used this time to work on themselves, only to discover that their S is an unlikeable putz, and have truly made peace with the course of their lives.
Whatever the outcome, the LBS is content and happy.
Whatever the outcome, what is meant to happen, will happen. Fate, destiny, whatever you would like to call it.
Given this perspective of using time wisely, what's the motivation then for slowing down or stalling a S or D? It is just a piece of paper...
Plenty of couples remarry after divorce. Because that's what was meant to happen: Each needed the time, separate from each other to develop themselves. And once those lessons were learned, they could R their M.
You can continue to fight the process of maturing into the person you're meant to be and continue to fight learning the lessons you're destined to learn. You can continue to blame person x,y, or z for making you do a,b, or c. Or you can accept responsibility for the adult you are, accept that you need to unlearn some thinking patterns that served you well during childhood that are no longer useful to you as and adult. So your childhood sucked. Well, so did mine. And so did a lot of others. What happened to us in childhood is not our fault. But we're not children anymore, we're adults. And that means having to accept responsibility for reparenting ourselves where our own parents failed us. No it's not fair. But life is far from fair.
You can choose to be a victim or anything else you want to be.
Originally Posted By: netmaster
I do know that being civil and letting go of bitterness and anger toward her would serve us and the kids best but I'm not there.
Ever heard the saying that holding on to resentment or anger is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to get sick?
This is your opportunity to dig deep. Peel the onion, as they say...
Make a list with two columns. How is holding on to this anger and resentment towards your W serving you? How is holding on to this anger and resentment towards your W working to your own detriment? If you take 20 minutes to do this exercise, you'll have a tangible piece of paper in your hands showing you how you're poisoning yourself.
But I'm not ready to be friends at all. I know that being friends is the best for the kids.
It's also your best chance at R your M. Every marriage begins with a solid friendship. No happy or healthy marriage is sustainable without a solid friendship. Sure, couples can be married for 30, 40 even 50 years without that friendship, but is that what you want for yourself and your family? Is that the legacy you want to pass down to your kids? So your kids can learn to settle for a S they aren't friends with? Are you willing to sacrifice your own happiness and live in a M where you aren't friends with your S, just so that you can say that you are married? I can say with almost 100% accuracy that these are the same questions a WAS have asked themselves before they dropped the bomb. The difference is, they've given up the fight.
Rebuilding that friendship offers us the best chance at R our M.
I'm scared about boundaries. Scared yes...I'm scared about holidays, birthdays, and all the sad things that come with a splintered life...Those are mostly the thoughts that consume me. Not so much getting back together with W or losing W but losing the family life and how it will all pan out
Net, please try to be careful about letting your anxiety get out of hand. Are you familiar with mindfulness and radical acceptance? You strike me as one who's more inclined towards eastern philosophies. Mindfulness and radical acceptance may help you in keeping your anxiety in check. You might want to google it if your interested or unfamiliar.
Let go of your desire to control and have faith that it will all work out as it should.
You only have now. Yesterday is a memory and you cannot change it. The future is just a fantasy in your head right now. So live in the present moment. Otherwise you might miss a lot of happiness that is available to you right now.
M:36 WAH:41 M:16 T:17 D:12 SS:21 Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11 Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.