Loc: CA- now East coast
Originally Posted By: Use to be
So the strategy here is still try to be the best dad possible for Gareth. if you want to call that a "strategy" for the purpose of this site, okay.
But I would hope being the best dad possible is actually a goal of yours in life.
That means spending time with him and learning to care for him WITHOUT his mother around. Surely you can learn to do that. You have to.
It is a turn on for a woman to see her child loved by his father, playing and interacting lovingly together.
IT's a turn on to see the father ENJOYING the company of their child, not just to "get her back" but b/c you want to be a loving father who enjoys time with his son
and b/c you want your son to know you, and to enjoy being around you...
So please don't let this just be a "tactic" to get her back. Then it isn't real and it won't last and she won't believe in the change.
She will sense it's just a "strategy"...and not a real change you are making b/c you want to become the best man you can become...
this is the time for you to become a man only a fool would leave.
How long do I have to do that
the rest of your life.
Embrace the chance you have to become a good father and a more involved dad. And a good partner as a co=parent. Some men never get the chance.
and what are the sign I have to look out for to a possibility of reconciliation?
You may not get any. It may not happen. Worst case scenario you will simply become a much better father and partner for the future... But I'm betting if you change, your wife is going to want to trust those changes b/c she would prefer having an intact family
but she will fear that the changes are just "strategies"...so it will take time. Be patient. Much more patient than you are being now.
So you first set some short terms goals. For instance, get way more time with your son. Bond is right. Stop acting helpless about this. You have rights as his father...assert them. You don't have to "ask HER" for more time, you are probably entitled to half time with him although I don't pretend to Know the law in Singapore.
Getting more time with your son won't make her mad
unless she thinks you are trying to take the boy away from her. Reassure her that you are not doing that.
But just wanting more than ONE day a week w/him, is going to show her that you are man enough to provide LOVE & ATTENTION for your son...you want to BOND with him and now is the time.
Show her that you are the kind of man who cares about being a good father-
not just writing a check once a month, but really helping to raise your son...
As long as she's not threatened, I would bet It's a turn ON for her to see you make an effort with the boy...
the next goal might be to increase HER ability to relax around you.
Start by NOT bringing up the relationship at all...OR the divorce. Try to be upbeat and light hearted. Maybe joke if that seems natural to you or talk about people she knows and cares about. Ask her open ended questions if you cannot think of something to say. (Open ended means not 'yes no' questions but more about how she feels or what she thinks about something).
Do not take the temperature of the relationship. leave that topic alone.
Learn to enjoy your son and let her see that. Then maybe you two can learn to enjoy him together.
You may end up inviting her to share some of YOUR "DAD time" w/her once you are comfortable enough with him alone, so that she won't be tempted to take over when she's there.
Ideally, you and your son may get used to the two of you going to the park and pushing him on a swing or eating breakfast at a child friendly place on the weekend...something just YOU TWO DO...and
then you might send her a picture of him having fun "just b/c you thought she'd like to see it"
So, NO PRESSURE there, just sharing the joy of having a child together.
Let her learn to be comfortable around you so that she does not flee when you are around.
That alone will be a sign of her warming up. It does NOT mean you act on it but at least it's a start for you.
Then we can work from there once you have established some sort of friendship with her. You can build on that.
What were you like when you two fell in love? Can you be more like that guy again?
And although I have not read your other threads, it's good to stay on just one so we have all the information in one place.
For instance, just reading HERE
I don't know what she has SAID bothered her in the marriage, or what she wants YOU to change. But thanks to Bond's comments,
I know she mentioned that she says you nag too much.
Okay so now you are not to give her ANY feedback unless it's positive.
Thank for her for every single thing she does or says that is positive. Yes, every single thing.
If she picks boy up on time, you thank her. If she offers you something, or gives you something, you thank her.
If she looks nice or healthy or has a new flattering outfit, you compliment her.
Do you know about a book called "The Five Love Languages"? It's a great book I suggest everyone read but read it AFTER you have read the divorce Remedy book
then read the one on Five Love Languages so you know how to "reach" your wife.
But please read the Divorce Remedy book. There are no "tricks" in it, but there is a lot of specific advice about how to behave in a new way to get your wife to believe marriage can be better with you.
And THIS SITE and the jargon we use here, will make much more sense to you after you have read the book.
Finally, please Understand this... if she does not believe that marriage to you can be better/different
then she won't want to reconcile. So YOU must show her that it can be better/different by
showing her that YOU can change.
Do the opposite of what you do that bothers her. (those are the "180s")
That's why I said instead of nagging her (which is a form of criticism)
you are to do the opposite which is to compliment her....it's the opposite of the trait she dislikes.
This way, you will contrast the bad things she believes w/positive things and you will undermine her negative images, and replace those bad images with positive ones.
This is all new to you so it's too early to give up of course. Consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
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Thank you very much for your advise and I do appreciate because you reply do lead me somewhere.
But I have to let you all know this, I love my son and I am doing everything possible for him. I bring him to playground, buy him toys and t-shirt. I teach him read books. All these will never be done if I am using this only as a strategy. And because of my love to him, I am hoping her mother will be back too so we can have a family together.
Here is part of our problem which lead to why she want a divorce. In fact she did mention that she is like a single mum when we are together. I did not hear her complaint that time and I thought she have been doing well looking after our boy. Only to know that one of her reason for divorce is i have not been responsible for the kid.
Now the tricky part is my wife has since move out to in law place and my boy is there and been taken care of by my mother in law. And since she is not open up, i don't think she will see what I do and the hope of reconiliation is so limited.
Hope I can receive more advise from you, thank you
Hi, I just have a chat with my spouse through whatsapp. Below is our communication details
Me: I miss GR (our son) can I go over to see him later.
Spouse: u call my home first to see if they're around.
Me: .... Think i will go another day in that case
Spouse: u want me to help u call them?
Spouse: what do you want?
Me: I want to see him but i don't know what to do (I have a conflict with father in law)
Spouse: u need me to call home to see if they are home?
Me: never mind, I am not ready too.
Spouse: I am sorry. I know GR needs me and I miss him lot. But I dont know what to do.
............after a while..............
Me: I go town buy book or toys for him.
............few hours later..........
Me: Bought this toy giraffe for our son today ( I send her the picture)
Spouse: she send me a picture of a baby chair bought from ikea.
Me: from ikea? Be careful idea thing sometime not stable.
Spouse: we will always supervise him.
Me: ya be careful.
Me: I am thinking of buying him a playground toy from toys r us ( include picture), what do u think?
Spouse: this can be rent.
Me: I want to buy him as a gift. You think I should not buy?
Spouse: rent will be more practical. It takes up space. U going to bring it back to bedok in future (she is referring to after we divorce, we have to sell our house away. So I will be going back to my parent place to stay which is at bedok)
Me: I will buy our house down. In future GR will still be playing here.
Spouse: u got to also buy out what I have paid for the house for the past few years.
Me: we talk about that later, lawyer will settle it for us.
Me: I have one more thing that need to be discuss. By discuss we mean come to term and not argue. Hope you can respect. Do you want to discuss?
Spouse: go ahead
Me: I talk to my counsellor today. It abt this coming public holiday. When I am at your place yesterday, I was immediately being told GR will be going out that day to meet your relative.
Me: now the counsellor say what GR need is the bonding of his parent and he ask me to discuss with you what is right. He got no answer for that' and asked us to discuss.
So from my understanding, he is saying GR us spending less time with parent, dont you think that is the best time for him to be with either parent instead of meeting others?
Spouse: yup he will be with me the whole day
Me: I will get the playground once I get my pay. I am thinking of making one of the room here into his playground. He can at least enjoy until 6-7 years old
......... She did not continue the chat after this..........
I see that you're letting your W do whatever she wants and leaving you in the dirt.
Stop asking her what you should or should not do. You are the man in the relationship. If you have a problem with her parents, then speak up to them. Don't let that interfere with your relationship with your W.
Again, you need to take control of things and stop asking others on what you should or shouldn't do. Especially your W. Again he is your son, MAKE IT A POINT TO SEE HIM. If you disagree with what your W says, then speak up.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.