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Well done, T^2.

Well done.

That sounds like detatchment to me.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
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T,
You did what you needed to do. By letting her know that she no longer has the power to control you and the children, she came to realize that she now needs to make up her mind to either stay or leave. She now knows that she can't use "threats" to leave now. They become bullies in mlc and want to control everything and everyone. You, my friend, did the ultimate in power play...you took it away by opening the cage door.

I did the same thing many years ago, and my xh sat down on the sofa and just bawled his eyes out. When I asked him what was the problem w/my telling him to leave he said that he didn't know what he wanted to do, that he was confused. From that day on, I lived my life as if I were alone. He eventually moved out two weeks later while I was at work. The guilt became too much for him and that's why he ran.

The fear of them leaving is their "key" to controlling us. I'm very glad you have overcome this fear. You and your children will be fine. If your wife does leave, you will discover that walking on eggshells is what all of you have been doing for quite some time. In time, peace will come and you and the children will be able to laugh again in your home.

You are doing a great job in handling your situation!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Kimmerz and snodderly...

I didn't mean it as a power play, it was just what happened and where I was/am atm. I do believe a higher power guides us, so I am at peace with what I did.

Part of me wants to push for the answers I want/need...such as what her intentions are regarding leaving ("I wasn't threatening to leave" is rather open-ended, isn't it? She has withheld the "2nd part" of statements many times through this...), if the A's are done, or in process of being done, etc... just a few things to keep me from feeling used...I see actions (like she has been wanting to make me breakfast again before I go to work, and other things noted above)...but no words...

I keep reminding myself of "believe none of what they say".

I can wait to work on the R while she processes her past demons and all...I know it is necessary for those to be resolved somewhat first...but, as Kimmerz said above, this "Pause" button is wearing on me...I have been trying to ask myself when trying to figure out what to do each day "If I were alone, what would I do?" i am also experimenting with not wearing the wedding ring yesterday and today (but it is in my pocket)...feels weird and not right...idk...maybe W noticed because she is very symbolically oriented...and I know I am sending a message of sorts...I hope the kids haven't noticed and are worried that I am quitting though....ugh hate my reality atm....

So when pondering whether to push or not, I threw an I-Ching hexagram...I will quote from another website the result:

Quote:

Hexagram 5 -- PATIENCE
Patience is a quality everywhere evident in the natural world; all things need time and optimum conditions for growth and ripening. There is a story about a little boy who encountered a newborn butterfly that was struggling to emerge from its chrysalis. The child, wanting to help, held the damp creature in his palm and pulled it free. The butterfly died.

Why did the butterfly die when it was helped along in its emergence? Because it was rushed. The child, with the kindest of intentions, hastened a natural process and fast-forwarded a timeless cycle.

Destruction comes when we push too hard towards completion. We live in a world that enforces a frenzied pace -- relentless occupation and constant doing is the rule. Is it any wonder that so many sudden deaths occur through heart failure and stroke, that people of every age abruptly break down from the chronic stress that pushes us to live as if we are in a constant state of emergency?

It's interesting to note that the words "emergence" and "emergency" are only one letter apart. Emergence becomes emergency when its organic pace is rushed. There are times of crisis when it is wise and necessary to act in haste; otherwise, we can look to the evolving butterfly that emerges in its full beauty and power only when left alone to unfurl its wings in a natural cadence.

When we are at peace, when we know our right place and pace in the unfolding of events, we do help things along.

"Do you have the patience to wait
until the mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
until the right action arises by itself?"
(Lao Tsu)


Ironic...guess someone is throwing a hint to me... smile

Some good news, the financial dealing I was working on went through, should take A LOT of pressure off in that arena of life for me, and will probably help W's pressure as well...sad that I can't share this news with her the way I want to... frown

Now if I can get my new part time online business generating some revenue life would be looking rather good, and maybe that energy would flow to my M sitch...

Oh well, any thoughts appreciated, especially on the actions vs. words and W's open-ended "half statements"...

The people here just rock... smile

T^2


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Couple of questions for those with experience...

Since our anniversary is coming up soon, what do I do? Do another gentle, non-pursuing card of acknowledgement? ...say nothing?

Also, my next "self-check-in" date is coming up in a few weeks, so....if I decide to give W an ultimatum (hopefully not! hopefully things will be progressing in a positive direction enough), do I let the kids know first (to see how badly they would take it), or do I let W know, see what she decides, then have us tell the kids together?

I don't want to give this idea too much energy right now, but I do need to plan so I am not making a rash, emotional decision at the time.


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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T,
I am going to offer this...purchase a card that isn't mushy and give it to her if this is something that you would normally do. However, I want to caution you, please do not be disappointed if she doesn't recognize the day. I wouldn't do anything else to recognize the day to her.

Ultimatums do not work well w/mlcers. If you give her an ultimatum, please plan to carry it through and do not back down. I wouldn't share anything w/the children until everything has been finalized. This is between you and your wife and whatever the outcome is, it is shared w/the children w/both of you being present.

Don't force the issue unless you are ready for the consequences/fallout. Go back and re-read your earlier posting about the butterly. Sit quietly and the answers will come...you need to turn this over to God and allow him to do the necessary work...


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you snodderly...that was pretty much my plan regarding anniversary...

I really don't plan on issuing an ultimatum, I almost traveled that path in January when things were REALLY bad...I found the patience to wait some more....and I know they don't always work as expected....and I wouldn't like one myself, so...I skipped that plan.

I am just one of those who like to have all the data possible for any scenario as much ahead of time as possible.

I appreciate your postings, no matter whom they are for... smile


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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I understand the planning for any scenario, but there will be times you may have to "wing it" w/the mlcer.

You are doing great and if you can be patient a while longer, I do believe you will have some answers to some of your questions and then will be able to move forward a couple of steps.

Hang in there!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Totally in agreement with Snod, as usual... grin

I completely agree regarding the importance of spontaneity in regards to our spouses. For example, I might have been vaguely invited to supper at W's for mother's day. Unless she asks me directly, I can only assume not. But I can at least make plans for that day that could change to include an invite IF it happened.

Regarding anniversaries or mom's day and stuff like that, I'm the "say nothing" camp. But I have seen a few olive branches as Snod suggests, be received in an "OK" manner. But they might also be better for things like b-days or mom's day, as I'm sure she recognizes both those days, but may be in denial about the M. crazy

And of course there is no such thing as an ultimatum with a MLCer. But... IF you decide to go the path of D, then I would suggest bringing it up with your W first. I am trying to get that worked out no for my sitch and did contact my W about it and she did not think it was necessary to tell the kids... ok... So it will fall on my shoulders to let them know. I'll probably tackle that slowly over a few conversations, once I know that everything is finalized. But it is my opinion that the kids should know that their parents are no longer separated, but are divorced... they are old enough to distinguish the difference between those two marital states and do know that right now we are only separated.

So that's my 2 pence on that...

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Thanks snodderly and KD!

I always like to get other perspectives on things, especially if I haven't traveled that road (and hopefully won't!).

The whole thing with the anniversary is that in the past holidays, birthdays, etc one of the things I was not good at acknowledging the WAY W wanted, so I don't want to do the "same old same old", but not go overboard either...these fine lines are nerve wracking...

I have backed off, giving space. Yesterday after work I was going about the evening life and got overloaded a bit with the kids and trying to get things done, while "hung-over" from work stress, I asked W if I was giving off an air, she said yes and I had a chance to explain a bit, I could see her start to empathize, then she interrupted and handed me something to place elsewhere (which would have annoyed most humans I reckon)...so I just left to do so and went back to what I was doing originally. She followed me a minute later and asked if I was done talking, I said, "honestly no" very pleasantly. After she asked if I had more, I said one or two things then went about my business. She sorta kinda hung around for a bit.

The rest of the evening she was pleasant and actually did some eye contact.

This morning, I didn't have to wake her up (usually this means she is processing something), she made my breakfast and then disappeared into the bathroom with the door shut (we are/were a open door family usually) while I was leaving for work, which she knows in the past would have annoyed me...I just shouted up, NICELY, "thanks for breakfast" and left for work...

Some testing?

LOL, this cultural anthropology/feral cats class is a challenging curriculum ... I wish the testing times were published beforehand...

laugh

T^2


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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So here is another interesting thing....I recently "fixed" a long standing issue in our R as noted above...not a word, question, grunt, anything from W...

It is such a critical issue for her that I would expect SOMEthing....

Or is it that I may have removed a justification...?

LOL...darn feral cats...

T^2


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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