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#2241251 - 04/27/12 03:25 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: WenikiTiki]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2232
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Thanks Wendy,

That does make sense. She seemed like she was so sure that she was done with our M back last fall/winter, and most of us humans don't like to think that we might have been wrong...and that probably brings up the damage thoughts, etc...

Another thing I thought of after reading your reply was that maybe she worries that I will latch onto what she said and think things are all better too soon, or that I will revert to old behaviors, or that if it is something I have done right, that I will over-do it (and yes, I tended to go to 150% when I found something that worked in the past...).

Your feral cat metaphor should be stickied as a classic... smile

T^2
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2241288 - 04/27/12 05:42 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
hrm134 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/07/12
Posts: 254
TSquared2~ When you said this, "It is funny how we can be going along all detached and coping okay, then some little thing sets off a trigger and bam! it is all in front of our face and taking over our minds and hearts, again." It really spoke to me.... I've been feeling a LOT like that this week! It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels that way sometimes. smile

Also, when you said, "Well, since I seem addicted to analyzing everything..." made me laugh, cause I do the same thing.... I like to think I'm in recovery for it though!

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#2241305 - 04/27/12 08:05 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: hrm134]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 827
Loc: West Coast
Hi T^2,

Yes Wendy's Feral Cat metaphor is perfect. I think that's pretty much what's going on with her. I think that perhaps something may feel right, and she will go with it. It then confuses her. She probably is confused at herself for thinking she was completely done at one point, but finds herself becoming closer to you, or starting up with positive and comfortable dynamics with you again, that feel good. She's getting the warm fuzzy feeling again.

I'm pretty sure that's what was going on with my Xh for a long time and still does to this day.I always felt that at times he forgot he was divorcing me. I know it happens with me too. Sometimes when I find myself feeling the same confusion the MLCer does. I find myself almost acting that way too, I guess with my rollercoaster emotions. I've questioned several times if Im having a crisis myself. But Im pretty sure it's just a transition.

I too am addicted to analyzing things. However my job requires me to be analytical, so I guess this is my nature. All I know is that if I understand the root cause of things, well then everything runs much smoother, even if it's not a smooth sitch.
There is a reason for everything. Everyone has a story. And sometimes it takes analizing to finally come to the point to realize we just don't know everything either...LOL.

I still admire your patience with your sitch T^2. You know I once had all your patience. But it's been worn extremely thin over the last several years. I think if perhaps my sitch were to move forward in more positive ways I would have become more encouraged and found more stamina to not give up. But it just seemed more and more happened that just kept me discouraged.

That's what I admire about you T^2, you're still hanging in there. And she is giving you encouraging signs.

Faith is the beleif of things to come but not seen. You still have Faith at this stage of the game.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2242083 - 05/01/12 04:21 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: Kimmerz]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2232
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Thanks folks for the input...I appreciate it!

Having a tough day...last night W talked A LOT about what is going on for her...interesting things came out after a tough weekend...

"...Where have I been for the last three years?..."

"...our R situation..." (all I could do to keep my mouth shut on that statement... lol)

Etc

Sounded like some fog clearing...much as I hate the LBS lifestyle, I wouldn't trade it for the MLC lifestyle, ever.

But I am tired today, have a lot on my plate with kids, work, problems in life, loneliness, as we all do, trying to keep the pieces of life somewhat together...my mind keeps drifting to issuing an ultimatum, be done with it, find a FWB, etc.

God grant me yet another helpin' o' patience, with extra gravy, please.

I will be better later, or tomorrow.

T^2
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2242100 - 05/01/12 05:10 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
hrm134 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/07/12
Posts: 254
TSquared2 sorry to hear you are having a rough day, I really wish I had something witty or really profound to offer but I don't. Deep cleansing breath.... it will all be ok....... and another deep cleansing breath....... and another until you feel the patience starting to return. grin You can do this!

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#2242136 - 05/01/12 08:06 PM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: hrm134]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 827
Loc: West Coast
T^2,

I know how hard it is when you have your fill of plain old Life, and then we have the MLc issues coming in on top of that. Sounds like you and I had the same type of day! Im pretty beat from extra work hours, too tired to tidy up the house, kids getting lazy and mouthy, and Im feeling lonely too.

And I don't know what to cook for dinner.....LOL!

You know it sounds like the fog is clearning some for her, which is good! Im glad to hear that. Im glad to hear she's at least verbalizing what's going on in her head. I know it's got to be so hard to hear at times. Is she still placing blame? Are her emotions like a rollercoaster still? Im curious as to what goes through their head when the fog clears a bit.

Yet at the same time T^2, the issue of patience is very significant. Quite frankly I don't know how you've stood it so far, but I think very highly of you for doing so. But there comes a time where you do have to choose what's best for you. It sounds like you've done a real good job of keeping your regular life going and doing GAL stuff as well. Yet you remain in the same house with the MLcer...it must be so odd. It would feel like life going on, but still so much on Pause at the same time. Just waiting for this person to make a decision.

Big Sigh..... just another day in paradise!
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2242491 - 05/03/12 12:53 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: Kimmerz]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2232
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Thanks hrm and Kimmerz, you postings helped, and gave me some things to think about.

I stirred the pot last night...not a backslide, as I was asking R questions for me, not out of reactivity...see, I know W, she will avoid, delay, etc just about any decision, or communication of something important, until it's the last minute, do or die, etc. If I don't ask occasionally, I will not know.

The responses: She feels horrible for what she is doing. Doesn't know how I can deal with it. She has all these other personal issues to deal with, resolve, etc before she can work on "us" (I agreed with her here, btw, I believe her demons from the past and built-in envy, etc, need attention first, plus it will make working on "us" easier if they have some mileage under them). She is not ready to work on "us", "just yet"...with W, I know what that means (ie, not done).

Of course, me asking or bringing up the R is stressful to her for the above reasons, and also as Cadet and others have said here....pressure...so I am done stirring for a while, until maybe next self-check-in day this summer. The interesting thing is that after the "interaction"...she emailed me right away (unusual)with just some life business thing, and later a text (she never texts me anymore) apologizing, doesn't want to hurt me, but can't hide how she feels. I did not respond (usually I would, so a 180).

Later when home after work she was looking at me A LOT (she has been avoiding eye contact mostly lately), was friendly, so idk...

Guess I'll freshen up the food bowl and go back inside for a while...

T^2
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2242494 - 05/03/12 01:10 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2232
Loc: Rocky Mountains
oh, and the pot stirring was in response to something she said about being "bothered" by her distance....and apparently one of the kids has said something about it to her...so something she is pondering herself without me bringing up anything.

And Kimmerz, a VERY apt description:

Quote:
Yet you remain in the same house with the MLcer...it must be so odd. It would feel like life going on, but still so much on Pause at the same time. Just waiting for this person to make a decision.
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


Top
#2242503 - 05/03/12 02:50 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: TSquared2]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 827
Loc: West Coast
You know T, I tell ya. I guess Im kinda coming out of my own fog too. As I look back, I did live with the MLCer and was just sitting around waiting for him to come out of whatever this funk he was in, as the girls and I just carried on with life. So I do know how this feels. Honestly I think being alone now is better than having to live like that, for me that is.

Im glad you decided to discuss a few R things with her. Remember you have your boundaries and needs to. It's nice to check in and check the water yourself from time to time. Im just glad she gave you an answer!

You have something I didn't. Your spouse is talking to you and is willing to explore this. Mine never did till he was ready to leave.

Have you read Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil? You know I was reading on the Hero'spouse something that I thought was very valuable. Your regular marriage counseling books don't work with MLC because you can't work on your marriage during MLC. It's a one way street! That made me feel alot better.

You know T^2 as I read your story as it unfolds with each passing day, it helps me see some things. It really is true the that MLCer need to stay in touch with the spouse and family. They really do want us as friends to lean on as they go through this. I really hope she continues to keep walking through that fog, and once its cleared will be able to look back at how you supported her through this.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2243575 - 05/08/12 12:49 AM Re: Unidentified MLC, phase 2 - can I get it right? [Re: Kimmerz]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2232
Loc: Rocky Mountains
A disjointed post...still sorting through all this....ugh.

Well, mid-last week I made a huge leap of progress, for me. I opened the gilded cage door for W.

W was spewing a bit regarding me saying that when I came home from work she "got off the computer and scurried away to the bathroom" (yes, I was stupid for saying it...). She was saying how she needed to leave so she wouldn't have to deal with this sort of thing, etc.

In a firm voice, I said "Then.Leave."

Spew stopped immediately. She wanted to go to a room farther away from the kids. She said something like "What are you saying?" And with lots of HPD/BPD physical antics and milder spew (not directed at me).

Dialog (paraphrased):

I said "I love you, I want us to work, but DO NOT threaten me and the kids with leaving...ever again."

Antics stopped...a quiet voice, "I wasn't threatening"

"W, it is threatening to the kids and I"

Pause...long...

"Please don't ever refer to me as "scurrying" again".

We de-escalated the interaction from there.

W was pretty nice and "regular" the rest of the week until Friday, then I feel like she cybered while kids were in school/work and me at work...because when I got home Friday afternoon she was in a bad place, NO eye contact, really pushing me away, her behavior was similar to mine when I would slip quitting drinking too much...and my gut feels this is correct, seen it before, many times.

So I went dim the rest of the weekend...then Sunday she was really in a "place"...ending up leaving the house for a while, on a bad note...

She emailed me this morning, apologizing for not being able to talk and being angry.Turns out she had a lot built up.

There was another old issue of our R that she dug up...man, when I have read that women have long memories, they are right! I had totally let this issue go, but she hadn't. Have women dealing with MLC H's been blindsided by things that were long ago "resolved" or over (but not really)? I apoligized, said that certain parts I didn't remember it the way she did, etc. Heck, I am not some dictatorial man who doesn't consult with his spouse before major changes, purchases, etc...

I have stayed dim today, not responding immediately to emails and such...tonight she has been calling and letting me know her plans to go to bed early, etc...(?).

I have been staying off the forum to see where my new found "Then.Leave" sits with me...I think I am here: If she wants to reconcile and work on us, then I am 200% there, I love her...if she wants to leave, then fine, leave, I will raise the kids and we will get by. It feels weird, but strangely "right"...is this detachment? wink

I am thankful that W apologized, recognized what was goin on with her and communicated it.

I am thankful that I finally, finally, finally faced my biggest fear (her leaving), and let it go...let it go to God...I promised our kids something, that I wouldn't quit. That I wasn't going anywhere. That will not change.
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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