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#2240438 - 04/24/12 02:55 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: I Will Fix It]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10568
Who has been initiating the physical affection? You say that she "allows" you to hug her. Is that how it seems or does she seem to enjoy them?
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2241798 - 04/30/12 02:22 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: I Will Fix It]
I Will Fix It Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 26
Loc: Florida
I am glad I remained guarded. This past weekend she told me that the reason she is kissing me, letting me hold hand etc is to keep the peace since we have until August. I told her that I did not want any false hope and not to do it again - with the exeption of ML.

Of course (and against the recommendations I have received here) we are still ML. Then Sunday night after we ML I reminded her not to show affection unless she means it. At 5 am on Monday morning we were in bed (we are still sleeping in the same bed) and she came to cuddle with me! What the hell is going on??
_________________________
Married 27yrs together 30yrs
Me:55 W:50 First marriage for both
S19, D22
Bomb: 3/15/12 Got the papers 4/11/12
Changed her mind on the D

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#2241810 - 04/30/12 03:39 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: I Will Fix It]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10568
I posted this to you before. I don't think you're really getting it.

"Even the ML part. She's doing that to make her feel less guilty. She's not doing it with you on an emotional level, she's doing it to placate you."

Again, she pretty much told you she did it to feel less bad about the situation. If you continue this route, don't be surprised when August rolls around and you're confused and alone.

She hasn't done any of the introspective work that's needed to figure out why she's feeling the way she is. She just know and believes she just wants out.

Now really is the time you need to increase activities on your own.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2241813 - 04/30/12 03:55 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: MrBond]
I Will Fix It Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 26
Loc: Florida
Mr. Bond (and others) - you are right I will start increasing my activites and leaving her on her own more.

What is your opinion on ML if she initiates it? Should I reject it? How? How do I best use that towards my goal?

Also what about any other show of caring if she initiates it (like the cuddling in bed)? How should I handle that? I told her not to do any of that unless it meant something other than just trying to keep the peace.
_________________________
Married 27yrs together 30yrs
Me:55 W:50 First marriage for both
S19, D22
Bomb: 3/15/12 Got the papers 4/11/12
Changed her mind on the D

Top
#2241814 - 04/30/12 04:14 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: I Will Fix It]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10568
Rather than seeing it as a ML session, how about doing something completely different? Like make the sex spontaneous and not just in the bedroom. How about trying a different position or product? You need to shake her out of the belief that life with you will always be the same. Show her the different and more masculine side of you.

Add some excitement and adventure to the intimate actions that you do have with her.

Like with the cuddling in bed. You want her to see you as a man not a teddy bear.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2241818 - 04/30/12 04:24 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: MrBond]
I Will Fix It Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 26
Loc: Florida
I guess I have not explained myself properly. Out ML sessions now have been the most exciting, different, spontensous and exploring things that she never wanted to before. She is actually very excited about our 'new' ML. That is one of the reasons I have continued them - I see them as new!

My question about the cuddling could have been - what if she wants to hold my hand - should I? Thanks Mr. Bond
_________________________
Married 27yrs together 30yrs
Me:55 W:50 First marriage for both
S19, D22
Bomb: 3/15/12 Got the papers 4/11/12
Changed her mind on the D

Top
#2241820 - 04/30/12 04:25 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: I Will Fix It]
I Will Fix It Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 26
Loc: Florida
I have been using ML since that is the abbreviation used here. But really they have been great sex sessions - less love making and more of everything else.
_________________________
Married 27yrs together 30yrs
Me:55 W:50 First marriage for both
S19, D22
Bomb: 3/15/12 Got the papers 4/11/12
Changed her mind on the D

Top
#2241824 - 04/30/12 04:37 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: I Will Fix It]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10568
Okay but who has been coming up with the new things and how far have you gone?

In terms of the hand holding, it's okay, but don't get too excited about them. You want to act as if they're nice, but you can survive without them.

How about doing a totally different activity with your wife? Something outside of both your comfort zones but that you both wanted to try.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2241951 - 05/01/12 08:53 AM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: MrBond]
I Will Fix It Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 26
Loc: Florida
From her perspective she has told me that the reason the ML is so good now is because she has 'hated' me in the past and that is why she was holding back on all this good sex - now she does not care therefore... All of the stuff we are doing are my ideas that I have tried in the past and was not allowed.

The act of holding hand or anything like that is not what I am asking about - what I am saying is if she initates something like - what does it tell me... since I have made it clear that I am not interested in any of those expression if they are real.

We are scheduled to go paddleboating something that she has wqnted to try for months...

PS - last night again she hold my hand and I asked what does this is this real or just trying to keep the peace - her response was 'you just don't understand me' I said you are right I totally confused as to what is going on.

Thanks to all for the thoughts and the suggestions.
_________________________
Married 27yrs together 30yrs
Me:55 W:50 First marriage for both
S19, D22
Bomb: 3/15/12 Got the papers 4/11/12
Changed her mind on the D

Top
#2241960 - 05/01/12 09:24 AM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: I Will Fix It]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10568
"she has told me that the reason the ML is so good now is because she has 'hated' me in the past and that is why she was holding back on all this good sex - now she does not care therefore"

And you're fine with this? Makes you sound like a sex toy that can easily be discarded when she finds someone new to have new and exciting sex with.

"her response was 'you just don't understand me' I said you are right"

Then you should have continued that thought and told her flat out that you're not a mindreader. That she should know (since she's a divorce attorney) that you can't be expected to know how she's feeling all the time any more than she should be expected to know how you're feeling.

Tell her that you have been getting mixed messages from her and would like to understand her better. The understanding can start by her telling you first. No game playing.

Then be the man and take charge in doing the actions she enjoys.

You have to start doing some of those activities you wanted to on your own so that she knows that you're not always going to be at her beck and call.

Have you tried initiating sex in different places and in different ways?
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
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