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Thanks - all of this advice is very helpful. I will follow the last resort technique. Questions in order to do what Always Trying is telling me - show her. How do I do that in conjuction with the last resort. Her main complaint about me is that I am jealous (which I am - I am going to a counselor for that) and the other woman that I keep bringing into our lives (whom I have not been with for about a decade but e-mailed her to retaliate for her 'friendhip'. How do I show those changes - any thoughts? Also do I make b-fast for her and do other little things that sometimes I did before? How about GAL - is she going to think that I am fooling around? Do I tell her where I am going eventhough I don't think she cares? Thanks


Married 27yrs together 30yrs
Me:55 W:50 First marriage for both
S19, D22
Bomb: 3/15/12 Got the papers 4/11/12
Changed her mind on the D
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As long as you feel that you want to retaliate due to something she's done.....your M won't heal. You have to be the leader in your M & family.

Do the two of you have a Pastor or Priest?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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So have you read DB or DR?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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At this point she is not interested in talking to a third party (counselor, priest, etc). She has actually been for a time a minister in the Catholic Church and it would be really good for her to speak to some of her good friends who are from the church they know us very well. But her very strong personality and determination will not allow her to get advice from anyone.

I am reading DR but was told to concentrate on the last resort technique which I am following as best I can. Of course I have gotten closer to God and I am getting counseling for my jealousy/vindictiveness. I am not sure how to demonstrate all of this or even if I should. For now I am leaving her alone as much as possible and hearing all of your advice to give her time and let her fix herself while I deal with my own insecurity issues.


Married 27yrs together 30yrs
Me:55 W:50 First marriage for both
S19, D22
Bomb: 3/15/12 Got the papers 4/11/12
Changed her mind on the D
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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One important thing to remember is to take all advice on here with a grain of salt. If you want real answers, talk to a DB coach. Don't take what posters (even myself) as the gospel.

For you, the LRT means that you tell her that you're fine with the D. But your actions don't need to stop. I'm not suggesting you go over the top, but you have to show yourself as happy. GAL doesn't necessarily mean that you go out, but that you are having a life of your own. Do something that you've put off before that you enjoyed doing. Do it because it makes you happy and NOT because it might get a reaction from your W.

I think it's okay to do little things for your W here and there. After all you are still living together. Be polite and be the best MAN you can be. There's no way to "show" her that you won't be jealous, etc. It all boils down to trust. Show her little ways that she can trust in you.

For example, if you say you're going to be somewhere at a certain time, do it. Be trustworthy. If the two of you are somewhere where there are other men, then act like it doesn't bother you.

If you stop being nice to her you will show that you're still vindictive. Show that you're the better man.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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How are you doing?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Key things about this weekend - I was with her all weekend my son was home from college and we did things around the house since she wants to get it ready to sell. I did things that I think will please her (making the bed, bar-b-q, cleaning the cars, etc).

Yesterday Sunday she actually asked me if I wanted sex (not make love) and of course we did. I told her how much I love her and that I am making changes in my life to make her happier. It was very emotional she never cries but went into the bathroom and teared up. I did not know what to do stay with her or give her space. I told her I did not want to loose her but would do what she wanted to. What is my next course of action? Do I continue leaving her alone? Do I say anything about the love making? I believe on her part it was more of a physical need than an emotional need.


Married 27yrs together 30yrs
Me:55 W:50 First marriage for both
S19, D22
Bomb: 3/15/12 Got the papers 4/11/12
Changed her mind on the D
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 26
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Please give me advice - This morning SHE wanted to make love again (did the same on Sunday), she let me hold her and kiss her. I thought things were getting better. Today at 10 am she sent me the divorce papers via e-mail (she is a divorce attorney so she did them herself). I told her via text that I love her and would do what she wanted to do. WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW? DO I ASK WHAT THIS MORNING MEANT? I of course will get an toorney involved on my side. PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS!!


Married 27yrs together 30yrs
Me:55 W:50 First marriage for both
S19, D22
Bomb: 3/15/12 Got the papers 4/11/12
Changed her mind on the D
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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First of all, you have to stay calm. She sent you the papers but that doesn't mean you have to respond. Don't ask her about the ML. Act as if you were able to get some and let it slide. It is hard as hell for you, but don't lose your cool.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
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Deep breath. These things take time and time and time. Bond is right... no need to respond. You don't have to actively fight it but you don't need to accelerate it either.

She wants space, give it to her. The ML thing gets confusing. My W and I were doing that for a while there after the bomb drop... I know it played havoc with my emotions and mental state. So think about whether it's worth that to you.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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