What a mess I have made of my family!

[I Will Fix It]

I hope that I can stay married to the woman I love and have been married to for almost 27 years. Although we both have made mistakes I know that the bulk is on me. Early in our marriage(early 1990s) I had an affair and she retaliated with her own - we survived the divorce after a few months of separation. Since then we have had a few more instances of either physical or emotional infidelity. For me it was in 2004 when she again had refused me sex for months and I told her that if she did not want to, to give me the OK to go out of the marriage for sex - she did and I did with the same woman (only because of convenience). Since then she has had at least one mental affair 2009(and it did not become physical because I got involved). Recently she was having too many calls back and forth and deleted texts with a friend who lives a few hours away and I told her that it bothered me and that I thought it was too much (he had just gone though a divorce) She informed that she had been deleting texts from him for a while since she did not know how I was going to blow things up. Anyway this went on for a while and eventualy I e-mailed the other woman whom had been married recently (living in a totally different state) to congratulate her. My wife found out (and she believes rightly so that this was my 'payback' for her long distance friendship). So correctly so that was the last straw for her. Althought it sounds terrible we have a very strong and close family - she is amazing and I am actually a good guy. She has informed that we will be divorced in August after we go on a cruise that we have already booked in late July. As of today we are still in the same home, same bed and she wears her wedding ring. There is no verbal or physical intamacy. I am trying to stay away and not tell her that I love her, call her etc - but it is very tough. I know it does not sound like it, but our marriage is worth saving. Any advice is welcome. Thanks

[Cadet]

She has informed that we will be divorced in August after we go on a cruise that we have already booked in late July.

Welcome to the board.

Well that sounds convient, how are you going to be divorced?
Has she filed?
Have you filed?

Divorce = SPACE

She is asking for SPACE, give it to her.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

[MrBond]

I'm assuming you're here for help, so just to warn you, some of it might be pretty harsh, but it will help you to get on the right track.

First of all, did you and your W ever get counseling for your FIRST infidelities? Seems like you two are rather dysfunctional when dealing with each others needs.

Next, you need to read DB or DR so you understand the concepts described here.

Most importantly, keep posting. Write more about your marital history and not just about the infidelity. Obviously neither of your needs were met by the other in a healthy way. Describe some of those conflicts.

[I Will Fix It]

Thank you for the advices. Our marriage through all of the described turmoil has actually been amazing. We have shared numerous great time, from travel alone, travel with the kids, many intimante time alone together, dancing, cruising,and many events with my very large family that she loves and they love her. My wife is an amazing daughter and mom. Her mom is actually one of my biggest proponent - she basically knows everything except now she is not feeling well and does not know (at least from me) that her daughter wants out - I know not to say anything to her. She spends a lot of time with us but never interferes. She knows the mistakes that both of us have made but she also see the love that we naturally demonstrate and the unity of our family. As recently as February my wife and I being recent empty nesters were having some of the best time of marriage then I reacted the way I mentioned in my original post. I gave her the last straw. My wife expands in her mind what really happened although I know that the real story is bad enough and probably deserves her divorce demands. She did not wear the ring yesterday yet she called me for a stupid thing where she has been strictly texting me. She is very hurt and my first prayer everyday and the last one fo each day is for her to find peace - then my second one is for reconcialitaion.

[I Will Fix It]

How do I best use the time? I am concerned with GAL since I believe she will assummed the worse.

[I Will Fix It]

Yes we received counceling the first time up. Frankly I thought they were moving us closer to divorce. I think the first time around we fixed the problem because she still loved me and the kids were younger. The kids are now 19 and 22 and I don't think there is much love on her end anymore (I adore her). I am hoping that other things besides love keep around and maybe we can build the love back up. Other things like 27 years of marvelous experiences, 2 amazing kids, a very tight family unit (believe or not) including extended family, and all of the plans that we had for our future TOGETHER.

[Cadet]

As I posted previously my wife of 27 years wants to get a divorce in about 4 months.
I am still in the house and sharing same bed I am guessing until August.
She has good reasons to want to divorce me I have been the main instigator (although she has not been a saint).
Bottom line I don't want a divorce but she is a very determined and strong woman and I see it happening.
What to do now?
I need to do a balancing act (I think) between giving her space (and hope that helps change her mind) and show her that I mean to get help with my jealousy, etc.
It is very tough to be in the same house and not tell her I love her, kiss her, etc - of course she does not respond to any of that.
I told her that I was going to get into some activites to saty out of hair.
How should I handle this situation?

By Letting Go and making yourself happy.

STOP TRYING TO FIX THIS.

Maybe you made some mistakes.
Do you think you BROKE your wife?
I think not.

So you can not FIX someting that you did not break.
She has to fix herself.

Are you going to let her?

[AlwaysTrying]

I can relate ti how hard it is not to say ILY, when you're around each other. How do you know the conversation is over without saying, "I love you"? Or how to say good bye or hello?

But you have to stop. When you say it, it only reminds her how much she feels differently right now. You say she doesn't respond, but she does, inside. It pushes her away.

When you say ILY, it is about your needs - your need to feel loved back and your need to make her feel like staying. Those aren't her needs right now. She doesn't believe the things you say.

You have to give her space. Take the time to read the Divorce Remedy. Learn about the last resort technique. Don't tell her you can be different, show her -to that takes time because she doesn't believe you. Fine out what doing a 180load means and get on it.

[AlwaysTrying]

Don't tell her you can be different, show her -to that takes time because she doesn't believe you. Fine out what doing a 180load means and get on it.

Lol. That's the last time I try posting from my phone.

Don't tell her you can be different, show her -that takes time because she doesn't believe you. Find out what doing a 180 means and get on it.

[2chiquitos]

Have you been to therapy cuz if you don't feel physical intimacy with your W before you would stray. How have you tackled that issue??

I hope I don't sound harsh but this is what we all mean by work on yourself! The only person you can change is YOU!