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#2242030 - 05/01/12 05:13 PM Finding Hope
Confused 2 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 64
Loc: California
Hello all,
I havent been here for quite awhile. My BD was 3/9/11, since then I have seen several mood swings with my husband. For the first 6 months I saw a monster. Quick to confront me when he thought that I was invading his space. We went from hanging out in the garage to sitting in his truck, in the garage.

Slowly, he started hyper connecting with our youngest daughter. He was always close to the older one but she moved out soon after BD. Then he started reconnecting with the dog about January. Before that he would yell at the dog to go away. I put a stop to that, telling him to leave the dog out of it. He never did act mean towards the kids, just me and the dog. Then in about February he started talking to me more. Telling me where he was going and always coming right back. Making eye contact and laughing more and telling his silly jokes. I saw more and more of the old husband.
I even got a birthday card this year, although it was a generic one and he didn't sign it, its progress.
We have had several conversations the last few weeks, about the chnages we are both trying to make. He says that he sees my changes and he knows how hard its been.
Ht tells me that he sits in his truck thinking. Asking himself if he is making a wrong decision. That he thinks maybe his stubborness might get in the way.
I can ask questions now, and although I can tell some make him uncomfortable, he answers them.
He has even over the last few nights stayed in the house and not the truck.

Says that hes not in a hurry to leave but doesnt commit to the marriage. We really don't talk much about that.
I give him his space and dont ask questions about my future. He does ask me alot if Im in a hurry to move out and I say not in a hurry to move out but to get on with my life, and leave it at that.
So any comments would be appreciated.

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#2242065 - 05/01/12 07:36 PM Re: Finding Hope [Re: Confused 2]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3106
Hi Confused. My take? You are on the long ride for as long as you can take it. It's almost as if he is daring you to leave. If you do, he'll look at that and say, "see! It's her fault". That's a lot of what it is really - a blame game.
No telling how or if things will change, but if you can stay put and keep moving along the same path, then I suggest doing so. Don't let him make you the bad guy and do NOT allow him to cross your boundaries. He needs to respect you and your boundaries even during this time.

Hang in there C. Sounds like things are in limbo now, but it won't stay that way forever.

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2242076 - 05/01/12 08:02 PM Re: Finding Hope [Re: Confused 2]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2425
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Sounds like we are in kind of similar stages of limbo...I feel for you. Our MLC'ers haven't moved out, but can't yet commit...but they ARE still in-house...

Wendy has the greatest metaphor....pretend he is a feral cat you are trying to be friends with...leave out a bowl of food and don't make any sudden moves... smile

That he will talk, and answer questions is good, "maybe" the fog is clearing a bit (my W is doing the same these days).

Quote:
Ht tells me that he sits in his truck thinking. Asking himself if he is making a wrong decision. That he thinks maybe his stubborness might get in the way.


Be careful with the questions, the MLC'er is aware of the damage they have done, at least sub-consciously, and we don't want their pride, regret, fear, etc to interfere and send them running back into the tunnel...

One/day/week/month at a time, no expectations, have gratitude for what he does give... I like to review the stages of MLC and sandi's 37 rules often...

IMO, I do think that there is a point in time that is reached that if they haven't yet moved out/run out, they won't, unless something scares them way back into the tunnel.

It is sooooo difficult, especially when those glimpses appear, to keep our patience up (I am having a hard day today with my patience,,,).

just my .03... smile

T^2
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2242082 - 05/01/12 08:18 PM Re: Finding Hope [Re: TSquared2]
Confused 2 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 64
Loc: California
Could you link me the Sandys 37 rules, please and thank you
C

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#2242084 - 05/01/12 08:25 PM Re: Finding Hope [Re: Confused 2]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2425
Loc: Rocky Mountains
here ya go!

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned change
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2242111 - 05/01/12 09:41 PM Re: Finding Hope [Re: TSquared2]
Confused 2 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 64
Loc: California
Thank you so much, Im happy to say that I have conquered all of the above, yeah me

C

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#2242190 - 05/02/12 02:41 AM Re: Finding Hope [Re: Confused 2]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5322
Originally Posted By: Confused 2
Thank you so much, Im happy to say that I have conquered all of the above, yeah me

C


Yea amazing what changes you have made, you know that I have noticed little sister.
_________________________
Me-60, D28,S27

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#2246108 - 05/17/12 09:12 PM Re: Finding Hope [Re: Cadet]
Confused 2 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 64
Loc: California
Hello All,

OK, some movement at my house.I have come to realize that my h's love language has been acts of service. Lately, he is very helpful around the house. There is lots of laughter in the house the last couple of weeks.

Its good that the tension is subsiding. No more walking on eggs. I think that I am seeing more and more of the old h along with some new. He actually spent last Saturday shopping with our older d. Spent all day with her. This is new. He hates to shop. He seems closer to our girls. It use to be just the older one but, now the younger one too.
Its good to see.

He has always been the jokester. Now, that is back, and still annoying LOL
Its amazing how when you realize that they have to take this journey on there own it becomes easier for the LBS. There is someone on this board who has held my hand every step of the way.(Cadet).

For those new to this, let him guide you, he is awesome.
C

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#2246138 - 05/17/12 09:50 PM Re: Finding Hope [Re: Confused 2]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2425
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Glad to hear this ^^^^^^^ !!!! Movement is nice. You are doing a great job!!

Yeah, Cadet rocks!

smile
T^2
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2246149 - 05/17/12 10:20 PM Re: Finding Hope [Re: TSquared2]
Confused 2 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 64
Loc: California
T,
Its nice when others tell you your doing a good job. Let me tell you it took me the longest time to do what everyone was telling me to do. I had to take what I needed and worked for me and leave the rest.

I thought for the longest time that I just was dense LOL. Then I realized some of it went against who I was and who I wanted to be. When I sorted that out, I found more peace. It is easier now that there is less tension. Everyone feels it. So, I will keep you posted on the progress. And CADET DOES ROCK !!!!!
C

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