My spider-sense is tingling. Why do you have to meet her in person for this? Your W has proven unworthy of you time and I have a feeling that all she's going to do is spend the time explaining why you are a lousy human being again.
I would seriously reconsider this. Or lay down some parameters as to what you will be discussing. Don't let her start calling you names again. Remember...enough is enough.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I would seriously reconsider this. Or lay down some parameters as to what you will be discussing. Don't let her start calling you names again. Remember...enough is enough.
I have thought about it considerably and feel like:
a. I want to hear what she has to say/demand; b. Even if she has proven she is unworthy of my time, I will be the better person. That's why she left, btw, because she felt that I was unworthy of her time too. If my mindset was similar, we'd both be divorced by now.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
I would seriously reconsider this. Or lay down some parameters as to what you will be discussing. Don't let her start calling you names again. Remember...enough is enough.
a. We're strictly going to discuss the possibility of how our son's schedule is going to be if I move to SC b. No name calling, otherwise I'm leaving c. No character bashing, otherwise I'm leaving d. Not going to agree to anything, only after drafted by her lawyer and reviewed by me and my legal team e. Did I miss anything?
a. I want to hear what she has to say/demand; Hasn't she already done that time and time again? She not only says what she wants/demands, but she also comes up with new reasons why you're a POS in her eyes.
b. Even if she has proven she is unworthy of my time, I will be the better person. That's why she left, btw, because she felt that I was unworthy of her time too. If my mindset was similar, we'd both be divorced by now. I don't think you have anything else to prove. Many people would have taken her to court for threatening to take your son and then pretty much telling you that there's nothing you can do.
a. We're strictly going to discuss the possibility of how our son's schedule is going to be if I move to SC Did you tell her this specifically? I think you need to lay down ground rules. And tell her that if she starts deviating from that path, you will not stay to be further abused verbally and will let your legal team take care of things.
b. No name calling, otherwise I'm leaving Again, you need to tell her.
c. No character bashing, otherwise I'm leaving Again, you need to tell her.
d. Not going to agree to anything, only after drafted by her lawyer and reviewed by me and my legal team I think you need to do this without talking to her directly.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
a. I want to hear what she has to say/demand; Hasn't she already done that time and time again? She not only says what she wants/demands, but she also comes up with new reasons why you're a POS in her eyes.
I'm hoping to go in with this often quoted mantra:
"Believe none of what she says and half of what she does."
Please pray for me, folks, that everything goes smoothly. Maybe when I get there there'll be lit candles, jazz in the background and my wife in a low-cut dress...
UPDATE Hey guys, just got back from the "discussion" with my wife.
Our son was supposed to be asleep by the time we met, but I'm guessing he knew/felt something was up, so he walked out of his room and hung around us throughout the whole talk.
Anyway, my wife proposed the following:
a. A 50:50 (legal and physical) rotating schedule with assumption that I move to SC.
b. A visitation schedule for if I remain in CA. The main part was she came up was a two-week visit with me every 3 months. Also, if I had an interview or something in SC/NC/TN, our son could stay with me during that time. After some heated talk about what's best for our son (we didn't talk about specific past issues, but I erroneously touched on values and child-rearing needs), the former became a two-week visit every 6 weeks.
I took my time studying it (not to annoy her, but to process it), which I think miffed her anyway. Even though we came to an "agreement" with her draft, I told her that I will still need to review the so-call final proposal from HER lawyer with mine.
Two crucial elements that I sensed through this whole thing:
- My wife is on a time crunch to settle this preferably before her move on June 7 (so I was informed). She has till May 21st to respond to the court hearing request and she brought it up a couple of times that if I had any disagreements with her draft tonight, I should voice it tonight, rather than waste time disagreeing later.
- When she said that she really doesn't want us to go the "dirty" route, I believe her. She did, however, keep bringing up how the judge here will never grant me primary custody based on:
a. My employment history b. My addiction c. Our son's religious routine (one of the reason's I drafted in my plea) d. The fact that she will be a doctor e. Social history/norm that children should never be separated from their mothers; increased father's involvement in children's lives is only a recent development in the last few decades
Overall, if I were to evaluate myself tonight, I was somewhat collected and calm, but at certain points a touch jumpy, indecisive and emotional. I didn't do as well as I thought. Feels like my wife practiced more DB/DRing that I did.
(I will comment more tomorrow once my thoughts are more collected.)
Although I"m not licensed in South Carolina --- you are also NOT THERE YET so if you divorced now, it'd be in this state, which is CALIFORNIA...hello?? Why delay the legal proceedings when the delay only hurts YOU and she's advertising it repeatedly?
sure, that's assuming she's accurate. Frankly, my guess, and that's what it is, is that you are legally better off taking care of things now in this state...
you can still move to SC, but file this stuff in states with more pro father laws, like California...
Originally Posted By: alamo76
UPDATE Hey guys, just got back from the "discussion" with my wife.
Our son was supposed to be asleep by the time we met, but I'm guessing he knew/felt something was up, so he walked out of his room and hung around us throughout the whole talk.
Anyway, my wife proposed the following:
a. A 50:50 (legal and physical) rotating schedule with assumption that I move to SC. why would YOU agree to ^^this? Why do you assume she's right and that she will win? Oh, wait, I know...it's b/c you give her all your power, still!
b. A visitation schedule for if I remain in CA. The main part was she came up was a two-week visit with me every 3 months.
um OR YOU would get primary custody and SHE'D get visitation.
Does this never occur to you? To be clear, why was she having so much more "custody" than you (you said you only had 30% ) when she was in training?
Do I have that right or not?
Also, if I had an interview or something in SC/NC/TN, our son could stay with me during that time. After some heated talk about what's best for our son (we didn't talk about specific past issues, but I erroneously touched on values and child-rearing needs), the former became a two-week visit every 6 weeks.
I took my time studying it (not to annoy her, but to process it), which I think miffed her anyway. Even though we came to an "agreement" with her draft, I told her that I will still need to review the so-call final proposal from HER lawyer with mine.
Two crucial elements that I sensed through this whole thing:
- My wife is on a time crunch to settle this preferably before her move on June 7 (so I was informed). She has till May 21st to respond to the court hearing request and she brought it up a couple of times that if I had any disagreements with her draft tonight, I should voice it tonight, rather than waste time disagreeing later. well that's tough...this is a big decision you did not want to make. So take your dang time. Do not keep doormatting yourself.
btw, I think her time crunch is a tool for her pressuring YOU to rush the decision and go her way= Which is crazy. She's the one creating the upheaval in son's life now...
- When she said that she really doesn't want us to go the "dirty" route, I believe her. She did, however, keep bringing up how the judge here will never grant me primary custody based on: THE WORDS BELOW ARE NOT TRUE, IMO. WHAT DOES YOUR LAWYER SAY? WHY DO YOU EVEN BOTHER LISTENING TO HER VIEW, WHEN THIS IS SO BIASED?
DO YOU EVER CHALLENGE HER ON THIS? WHY NOT SAY "W, THAT'S CERTAINLY POSSIBLE. BUT MY LAWYER SAYS IT'S NOT NEARLY SO CUT & DRY AS YOU SAY, IN FACT HE BELIEVES THAT I HAVE MANY MORE RIGHTS TO SON THAN YOU SEEM TO...."????
a. My employment history MORE RELEVANT TO YOUR AVAILABILITY FOR SON...
b. My addiction AREN'T YOU IN RECOVERY? THEN ENOUGH ALREADY... c. Our son's religious routine (one of the reason's I drafted in my plea) YOU HAVE EQUAL RIGHTS ON THIS ^^ ISSUE...
d. The fact that she will be a doctor HURTS HER MORE THAN HELPS HER, AS FAR AS PARENTING TIME...IT'S LIKE BEING A SOLDIER.
e. Social history/norm that children should never be separated from their mothers; increased father's involvement in children's lives is only a recent development in the last few decades
this is probably the "tender years presumption" but she cannot have it both ways. Either she's a sahm who has bonded with son so much that's it's in HIS interest to keep those two together until he's age 7...
OR she's a brilliant medical professional with a demanding accomplished career who thinks THAT will impress a court. So Which is it?
MAYBE SOUTH CAROLINA ISN'T IN THIS CENTURY, WHICH IS ALL THE MORE REASON FOR YOU TO FILE NOW IN CALIFORNIA...WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??
Overall, if I were to evaluate myself tonight, I was somewhat collected and calm, but at certain points a touch jumpy, indecisive and emotional. I didn't do as well as I thought. Feels like my wife practiced more DB/DRing that I did.
(I will comment more tomorrow once my thoughts are more collected.)
YOU must stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. You have given away a lot of power and seems as if you still are. I don't get it.
Why are you putting her and her legal team in charge of all this, to 'react' to?
Have you really seen or retained an attorney?
Why so passive?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
here's a piece of a long article on what I think your w's assumptions are based on...which is out dated I think. She seems to believe that mothers are entitled to custody in most states but that's not b/c of what judges do or say, but simply what most mothers & fathers agree to.
So here's what I found that might interest you. Of course seek your own counsel and take some action.
Tender Years Doctrine (which favored mothers in custody) used to be the law in most states and women had to be found unfit to not win.
This doctrine is applicable in divorce proceedings, but has been replaced on the books in by most states by the "Best Interests of the Children" doctrine of child custody. Several courts have held that the Tender Years Doctrine violates the Equal Protection Clause in the Fourteenth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.
South Carolina has formally abolished the "tender years doctrine," a common-law presumption that placing a young child with the mother is in the child's best interests. While a baby's mother may sometimes have a practical advantage over the father in family court, there exists no presumption that the mother should get custody of the child rather than the father.


M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
