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#2241945 - 05/01/12 07:03 AM Re: Wife of 7-years is Divorcing Me p7 [Re: MrBond]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2594
Loc: VA
Her words and her smile were very smug and a bit cruel. You are getting good advice.
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2241988 - 05/01/12 10:35 AM Re: Wife of 7-years is Divorcing Me p7 [Re: adinva]
alamo76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: Benicia, CA
And the fact that she does this in front of our son makes her look worse in my eyes. Why WASes behave like this is beyond me. I mean, I know why, but why they chose to just blows my mind. Yesterday my wife "liked" a Pinterest posting regarding DIVORCE that says,

"Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak; sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go."

A sign of things to come? All I have to say to that is "come what may".
_________________________
M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112

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#2242024 - 05/01/12 12:50 PM Re: Wife of 7-years is Divorcing Me p7 [Re: alamo76]
alamo76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: Benicia, CA
UPDATE 8:42am
Wife texts me the following:

"I kept E home today. Hope the "job hunt" is going well. You know its such a shame an asian guy thinks he'll face prejudice in s.c. Weird how my dad an iranian male after the hostage crisis was able to find work in a saw mill, then baking bread for a deli, delivering pizza then a self employed electrician, all in a rural town (in) texas. And even now in backwoods Tennessee after 9/11 he's one of the most successful car dealers. Strange world."

I'm drafting this response:

"Sorry I wasn't clearer about what I said yesterday. The field I'm in is still a growing industry, yet many companies still don't see the need in-house adult education. So I meant that in SC, careers in this field are not as widespread or as popular."

Any thoughts? Feels like I'm missing something.
_________________________
M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112

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#2242048 - 05/01/12 02:23 PM Re: Wife of 7-years is Divorcing Me p7 [Re: alamo76]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2594
Loc: VA
There is no response required to her nasty email.

Your response is defensive and sounds like excuses, doesn't win you any points. If you want to win points, work harder on getting a job in SC. Good luck.

I don't like her sarcasm and the way she communicates passive aggressively. You have to read between the lines to hear her message, which is that she thinks you should find a job outside your field to make some money until you can find one within your field. Without answering her, what do YOU think about that? Would you, could you get a job somewhere so that you can be near your son?
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2242050 - 05/01/12 02:32 PM Re: Wife of 7-years is Divorcing Me p7 [Re: adinva]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9862
Don't respond. Or you could say "thanks for letting me know about E" I hope he's okay. Have a good day." Just to show her a sign of strength on your part.

Save a copy of all of these emails. They are perfect for your custody of your child.

When she insists on talking to you in person, tell her to email you the info since you're busy. All of her emails will be full of sarcasm, so save all of them and give them to your L.

She'll be stunned when she finds out about that and may just slap the bitchiness out of her. Metaphorically of course.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2242056 - 05/01/12 03:02 PM Re: Wife of 7-years is Divorcing Me p7 [Re: MrBond]
alamo76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: Benicia, CA
Wow, two for two in favor of 'Do not respond'. Thanks for the quick reply, guys.

I've saved every text and email she's sent since she left, as well as documented many of them here.

I have just been placed in a great career opportunity here in CA, so the thought of having to move somewhere new (essentially for her benefit) and start from scratch (again), is a hard thing to consider. Nonetheless, I'm still looking. God opens door when He wants to.
_________________________
M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112

Top
#2242063 - 05/01/12 03:24 PM Re: Wife of 7-years is Divorcing Me p7 [Re: alamo76]
clove Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/06
Posts: 150
Loc: Washington
Alamo76.

I've only read her text and your proposed response. From that info I would agree with those that say do not respond.

I feel the abuse coming from her text. Rough stuff. I suspect lashing out like that seeking feedback from you. To not respond in situations like that, and better yet, to not feel the need to respond would be much more empowering for you. I don't know what your past patterns have been, but if your current responses aren't working perhaps it's time to stop responding.

OK I went back earlier, you may want to hide her on FB or unfriend her. It's not helping you.

You still seem close to the situation. She's still able to affect you. You've left open access for her to reach out and slap you in the face whenever she wants. You don't want to need anything from her right now and discussions it would seem best to remain minimal and strictly business.

Take care of yourself.

That's my reaction to what I read. But Like I said I have a limited basis for understanding your situation.

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#2242161 - 05/01/12 09:34 PM Re: Wife of 7-years is Divorcing Me p7 [Re: clove]
Valeska19 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/11
Posts: 1219
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Yes Alamo - God will take care of you.

You just have to be open to listening to what he is saying, even if it's not what you want.

Touching base on the being a Good Christian - I too struggled with this very question. Asking myself "what about unconditional love. what about turning the other cheek".. etc.

Sometimes God Loves us enough to let painful things happen.

He loves us enough to allow us to make our own decisions.

He will always be there for us, but he let's us go to find our own way back to him. He knows he can't force us to love him.

He also loves us enough to let us feel the consequences of our actions.

That is his unconditional love for us.

And that's the way you need to look at it with your wife. You love her enough to let her go, allow her to feel the consequences of her actions. Love her enough to show her how to treat you with respect.

Tough love is a form of love.. and it's "tough" for both people involved.

IMO - You can totally be a Christian man whilst setting boundaries. But you need to believe that to be true because most likely your w won't see that.

You do that by checking your heart constantly.

For example: I'm sure you're wife is just as scared to lose your S as you are. The idea of spending less time with him probably breaks her heart the same way it does yours.

Yes.. she chose this... but you can still understand where she is coming from.

And from that understanding.. you can be firm, but not cruel.

And that is STILL being a Christian.
_________________________
M(f): 31
XW: 33
M: 5
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.

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#2242576 - 05/03/12 11:07 AM Re: Wife of 7-years is Divorcing Me p7 [Re: Valeska19]
alamo76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: Benicia, CA
Clove - Thanks for reading up on my thread. Regarding FB, my wife (when she left) blocked me from seeing her posts. But occasionally, I get the random Pinterest or Info updates. At more than the same time last year, I did the standard LBS misstep of wanting to know what was going on in her life, etc. Nowadays, I couldn't care - believe 50% of what they do and even less of what they say, right?

Valeska - You see, that's the tough part (but know I don't disagree with you at all): By being Christian w/boundaries is good for me, but not good with my wife perception of me, who sees the negative in everything that I do. There are two conflicts I have, for the lack of a better word:

1. The DB/DR "rule" of trying something new if what I'm doing right now doesn't work. Boundaries and religious beliefs shouldn't need to back down if something doesn't work.

2. The fact that I'm taking "my sister to court" isn't very Christian at all. What is the purpose of it all? To protect by boundaries? To protect myself? To protect our son? In the legal and practical context, yes, yes and yes.

UPDATE
Today our daycare teacher asked me if my wife and I are discussing about the upcoming move and especially our son. I said not really, and gave her a bit more details of the custody case and that the court date is on June 4.

Then the teacher had a surprised look on her face and said that my wife had told her that June 4 was also our son's last day there. What?
_________________________
M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112

Top
#2242577 - 05/03/12 11:13 AM Re: Wife of 7-years is Divorcing Me p7 [Re: alamo76]
unbidden Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 568
You should tell your lawyer what the daycare teacher said right away. She may need to be a witness. Also, have your lawyer consider getting some kind of injunction to keep your wife from moving your son or changing his daycare etc. while the case is pending. Seriously, don't wait.

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