this path is MY path

[zig]

Zig, chiming in for the first time. I don't post much because I've been dealing with my own grief, but I've come to a bit of a crossroads and have the clarity that comes with it.

i guess i'm asking is it better to GAL off on my own - or GAL in front of him with other people.

Perhaps the counter question is, in your heart, are you GALing for you, or to somehow affect your H, how he feels and what he chooses? You must remember that GALing is for you, so whether or not he is there or other people are there to see it is beside the point.

It is better off to GAL as a new way of living that focuses on your enriching your life, your soul, your emotions, your health. Stay in the here and the now!

i'm definitely GALing for myself - i guess i was trying to ask in the context of whether i should go dark a bit or not now. but i'm realizing more and more that all these questions i ask come when i am in slight to extreme panic mode, and now it's just time to take care of myself and move forward as if he's not coming back
Which brings me to this:

i'm trying to do two things at once - two very big things that have had me both so overwhelmed that when the sitch gets more difficult or challenging, i don't handle it very well.

one, of course, is trying to DB and save this marriage, which as everyone here knows is more than enough for anyone to deal with.

but the second - and here i realize is where i forgot about myself - is learning to live in the world again...

The second will feed the first, although it should not be the driver. "Learning to live in the world again" IS GALing, IS DBing. And you have to do it for YOU, with the outcome that YOU will be OK, regardless of what choices your H makes. I haven't read back about the accident you refer to, but that's where your focus needs to be, bringing your emotional health up to the place where your physical health has gotten.

you're very right - wish i had realized that months ago - it's good i see it now. and it's never too late to see that kind of thing, is it?
It is absolutely heartbreaking as the calendar turns over, the major events occur, the seasons change, and where once we made plans with our Hs we are now making them alone. Every event is another grieving process, but it truly does get easier. I've come to realize that there are *other ways* that are just as good as or better than those I had with H. I just have to be open to them. Change is hard.

yes - it's the change that i am resisting - no doubt about it, so am trying to focus more, once again on accepting it more fully. i accept it in my mind, but not in my heart, i suppose

Calm blue ocean, Zig, and one day at a time.

thanksnorth - for your words to me - they have helped a lot, as everyone else's has who have supported me here.

i talked to my sweet friend and we decided to leave the men and kids this evening at the barbecue and go off to dinner on our own and then come back for the fun stuff later on. i don't really feel like being there for 5 hrs straight and it will be fun to go to dinner and we can talk about the things i'm going to do next to get my business going.

zig

[zig]

journaling

my little sale went really well yesterday - considering that the weather forecast was so dire that there were hardly any people out. all those who came - bought something or arranged to call later and custom order, and it was great for me to find out that i could really socialize and converse and just enjoy all the people who are supporting me in this incredible way.

h stopped by - and he was more than impressed - he hasn't seen what i have been working on for the last 8 months and i think it blew his mind a little at how far i'd come along with developing my work. we didn't talk much - just a couple of minutes - but he went on and on - and very genuinely about how beautiful they were - and they really were - once they were hung up in the store they looked gorgeous. he stayed for quite a while - mostly hanging out with his mom and then left , giving me a half hug very tentatively

interesting conversation mil and i had with a woman who came in and said she worked with h up at the uni. we started chatting - and before you know it, she starts talking about h and how amazing he is at his job, and what a great person he is - and then she turns to me and says - oh my zig, he's a real keeper. i just about choked. mil and i sort of looked at each other as if to say - how MAD is this situation going to get!!

i did agree with the woman wholeheartedly - because i do and have always felt the same things. it is surreal though - this convo was not short - it went on for quite a while. i handled it well though, staying cheerful and i can't say i didn't take the opportunity to rave about what he's done there at the uni - but genuinely, because i really feel that way and tell him consistently, even now.

so later we went out to dinner - s, mil and my friends - and mil asked me what that was about and i told her that h has asked me specifically at least 5 times not to mention to anyone at the uni about us being separated and him not living at home.
she kept saying - gosh that is so odd, that is so odd.

to me it sort of fits the picture of what i have read on the boards with mlc etc. - where they separate parts of their life and compartmentalize them. h has himself told me that he wants to keep his life with ow very separate from his life here - so in that way, it's not that odd, i suppose

oh well - it's absolutely gorgeous here this morning and i'm itching to go to the farmer's market - but i have two lazy boys who stayed up too late last night and still haven't woken up. maybe i'll go bang some pots

feel that after this dip down the hole , i have made a further minuscule shift away from h - and now get it that it will just happen bit by bit over time

thanks to all of you that carried me through this last crisis - i'm one step closer to myself and a bit more peaceful

zig

[zig]

just spoke with h - he'd called multiple times and texted saying he needed to get some stuff from the house right now . i did take a little time before calling him back - turned out he couldn't wait and went and borrowed it from his parents instead.

he was friendly and asked how my show went and i told him i was really pleased. he then went on to say 'i don't meant to criticize (and i did wonder what was coming so was surprised) but i think you are selling the shawls waaay too cheap. we talked for awhile about my reasons for my pricing - and he seemed to accept them (in the past, he would have gone on and on). he encouraged me once again to start selling online and i said that was what i was going to start on this weekend.

we talked about the kids having fun having breakfast in bed ( that's a huge 180 for me - i've always been a bit extreme about food in the bedroom!!) i think he was really surprised that i did that - i really enjoyed it and the boys were thrilled!!

so i got off the phone keeping it really positive ands said we'd see him later

i'm proud of myself - because instead of reacting in my old way and getting into a hissy fit about him calling last minute to stop by and what about my peace of mind , and my space etc etc, i stayed focused and everything turned out well. and i got what i wanted in the end - not to really see him this morning (grin)

[ces67]

Morning Zig,

Funny, I have 2 boys upstairs who stayed up late and are still sleeping also! I had 3 last night. Apparently one had to leave ealy and just got up and left on his own. He did that last time too except I got up and said good bye to him. This time I just slept through it, I guess...

Sounds like you're holding up well. How amazingly odd that the WAS wants all this stuff outside of the M but doesn't want to own up to it or let people know. Somewhere in their psyche, I would hope there is some internal guidepost whispering "if you have to hide this, them maybe its not good for you...."

You should be proud of yourself. You're learning new skills and ways to manage your own emotions and making choices for a better you. Have a great weekend.

[zig]

Sounds like you're holding up well. How amazingly odd that the WAS wants all this stuff outside of the M but doesn't want to own up to it or let people know. Somewhere in their psyche, I would hope there is some internal guidepost whispering "if you have to hide this, them maybe its not good for you...."

right ces - i hope it's that, and that they eventually LISTEN to it. i think it comes up periodically and that's when i see h acting pained and withdrawing, and then he cycles back into confidence again for a while.

You should be proud of yourself. You're learning new skills and ways to manage your own emotions and making choices for a better you. Have a great weekend.

thank you thank you - taking a bow - i feel better today - yesterday's experience gave me a new level of confidence that i haven't felt in a long long while. i used to feel so confident before, but lost the feeling along the way. i understand so much more now, why i did, of what happened within me, and as i work through all this crazy stuff, i can feel myself letting go of my past.

i'm already having a great weekend ces - and that feel so good to be able to say:)

how's the lawn mowing going...

have a good weekend yourself:)
zig

[fightingforit]

Hi Zig-
Great job on the shows! That is so empowering.

My H does the same thing, he hasn't told anyone at all what he is doing. Is it shame? I have wanted to blow his cover a number of times and then I remember, "keep the road home paved and smooth...."

Have a great weekend!

[zig]

"keep the road home paved and smooth...."

thanks fighting - i've been tempted too, but i know that will be ending things for good. no matter what another person is doing, no good ever comes of shaming them .

we know our spouses well - even though we may not know them in their present version, and i do know that in spite of all, h feels great shame and guilt at what he's doing.

just wish that in those very difficult moments i could remember that and understand and keep in the forefront of my mind, that all that anger and blaming on his part comes from that sense of shame rather than from what he really feels towards me.

hey fighting - that's probably what i AM feeling today - empowered - i knew something felt different (grin). and it made me think when i read what you wrote, that i MUST make sure that i do something little - teeny tiny thing everyday that makes me feel empowered - because i sure like this feeling and want to keep it going.

have a great weekend too
zig

[ces67]

The lawn is done and I even stretched out on the lawn chair in the sun for a while! I finally woke my son up around 1:30! Ah the days of staying up all night and sleeping all day!

[NLW]

Zig, this is all great news - what a fantastic achievement for you.

Keep up the good work of empowering yourself. And let us know what works (I could do with some ideas)!

Also thanks for sharing your insight about Hs' shame and guilt.

We do need to be reminded of their pain - when we are often completely overwhelmed by our own. It's really the only thing that explains what they are doing.

[zig]

thanks NLW - and yes - i will write later what is helping me so much right now -

for now - what is making life MUCH easier is that before i do or say anything and not just applying this to h but with everyone - i talk myself to a point where i EXPECT everything to go well - everything! and just doing that has suddenly made my life a whole lot lighter


but i'm bursting with more empowerment - i went out to h's big do at the kiln's and called before we left with s to make sure that what he had promised was still on - that i could fire the wood kiln for a little bit -

i was expecting to do it just for 20 mins or so - but landed up with him putting me in charge and leaving me to it - getting completely in the groove and working for 2 hours. it was amazing - he wasn't around - too busy hosting the show - a few hundred people there - but at one point i heard him yell - she's back in action

i reconnected in a HUGE way with all our friends again it was amazing - they were so happy to see me and me them

and then before i knew it - a moment of serendipity - the guy on the night shift from midnight to 6 got really sick and there was no one to work it and one of my most favorite people who i used to do this with a lot before the accident - she and i looked at each other gave a huge wicked grin and said - we're doing it.

i think h is a slight bit unnerved - but he left me in charge of the kiln just as before and didn't even come to check (a huge compliment) - and i don't care a hoot what he thinks - i've missed doing that work so much and now tonight i get to go out there (he won't be there) and hang out with an old wonderful friend who i'm so glad to reconnect with - and work like a dog all night and have a blast

sent s off with h's parents - who were also there, and came back to take a nap before going back out. i really don't care what he makes of it - it's the only kiln here where i can do this and so i'm doing it for myself

this was really unexpected and great - i've been waiting for months to be out there at the kiln and now it just happened with no warning.

so off for a nap and will journal tomorrow

zig