h is inviting me more often to do things with them - could be that it's just coincidence - spring is here and more get togethers and parties. we sort of went together to a party last weekend - in that we agreed to go but i picked up s and then he came later as he wasn't done at work.
it was a little difficult as he was a bit nasty 2 mins after he got there, and then after he ate - he got a call and then disappeared for about an hour - i'm pretty sure it was OW, because when he came back he could barely look at me. i really GAL'd and hung out with everyone else - we had a bit of a conversation together talking about really positive things about s, and i ended it while it was good by saying i wanted to get back to the fire. i also left a bit earlier than him and s. at the end as i was saying bye, the host who is my yoga teachers' husband took my hand in a warm gesture, right in front of h - i could feel h bristle, and i was very conscious of it too - it's been too long since someone touched me in just a warm open loving way in complete friendship, but for h it was maybe a glimpse of the idea of me being with another person? (that's why he did the crazy conversation 2 days later, i think)
then he invited me to grill out at our friends house and called me about it but then we got into that crazy conversation and he didn't call me back to say it was on or not, and then he and s went on their own (obviously upset with me?)
after that he told s and me that there was a big get together at uni this saturday with an open party and barbecue and all these things happening. he's got s pretty worked up and excited about it and i agreed that i would bring s, as he will be back with me tomorrow.
i could just drop s off there, or stay and hang out in the spirit of being "really good friends" that he is asking for constantly
i don't really have to hang out with him since my friends will be there too, and there will be tons of people.
i guess i'm asking is it better to GAL off on my own - or GAL in front of him with other people.
struggling a bit today with feeling sad and down about all of this. i guess i'm missing h - it's the day before my show - and in the past each of us would drop everything to help the other one be ready (we're both artists), in total support. i don't need any help at all, but just miss the feeling - ah well a little melancholy - it will pass. at least he asked if he could come, and i said yes - though i have mixed feelings about it. almost hurts too much to have him around when things are going well, because i want to share them and enjoy them with him so much.
oops i guess i worked myself up into a bit of a state there - ah well onto more cheerful things - like finishing off the last piece
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Zig I know this is hard but you have to stop assuming and mind reading. You will make yourself nutty. Accept some invites but not all. Becareful with him getting jealous. They will use it to justify their behavior. I know I was a WAS once. Not proud of it either.
My W is an artist. She is a perfectionist too. What kind of art do you do? The hardest class I took in college, art history. But got an A.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
sorry, i didn't realize that i was mind reading h when i wrote that stuff. you're probably right, will be more careful and cognizant about doing that.
i guess i was trying to ask whether i was DB'ing right in this sitch - the eternal question i suppose - to which there is no real answer is there...
i think you misunderstood about the friend - i was certainly not trying to make h jealous - and definitely not with that guy - who i am not attracted to at all. his gesture was a little more intimate than i ever expected - and i pulled my hand away immediately - uncomfortable because h was right there and it is the LAST thing i want to do right now or ever. for me it's really clear that until we are actually divorced, and after a reasonable period of time, would i ever consider getting into a relationship.
i learned about what it does the hard way. it cost me two marriages and if i ever even thought about that now, it would make me realize that i have learned nothing.
what medium does your wife work in? i used to be a perfectionist, but now during this sitch and my own relaxing and opening up, i find i am approaching all things with much more abandon, which is wonderful.
i used to be a ceramic artist, until the accident. and now i work with textiles and am planning to combine the two in the near future. so it's exciting for me to even be able to feel creative again, let alone work at it
thanks rick
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
feeling very sensitive tonight - after i posted and realized while i was writing why i missed my family today (s is with h) , i thought about it some more, and then the real feelings came out.
i'm quaking a little at stepping out into the world tomorrow for the first time after the accident and being holed up for so many years.
i'm feeling brave but fragile, and i know that i'll be okay and tomorrow will go wonderfully . i have a wonderful support group and mil will be there too, during the event and i couldn't ask for more. it's my own little step that i'm taking and its not a big deal for most people, and wasn't for me before, but it is right now.
it's great for me that i am doing this on my own - without h - we always worked these kinds of things together in the past and i was probably too dependent on him and him on me. now i'll find out i can do it on my own and that will boost my confidence immensely and help me take the next step
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice-- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do-- determined to save the only life you could save.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
labug, if you tell me that you took the time to write that out just for me it will send me into another bout of sobbing!!
that's exactly where i am, aren't i, and for some reason it really made me cry hard when i read it, but also made me feel stronger underneath.
why is it that strangers that you don't even know, can reach out and touch you so deeply, but the people that are closest to you can't even tell what you might be going through?
you're a beautiful person labug - what you sent me feels like a great large hug that is sorely needed and i don't feel so alone now.
thank you
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
the poem labug sent me last night helped me to come to a new realization. it sort of hit me suddenly - because i have been very confused about why i have been so reactive and still having so much difficulty in this sitch.
i'm trying to do two things at once - two very big things that have had me both so overwhelmed that when the sitch gets more difficult or challenging, i don't handle it very well.
one, of course, is trying to DB and save this marriage, which as everyone here knows is more than enough for anyone to deal with.
but the second - and here i realize is where i forgot about myself - is learning to live in the world again - i just assumed that because i could do all these things physically again that i was just fine, but now i'm seeing that they are still things that i am learning to be good at doing again. that i still have to sort of talk myself into believing that i can actually do them. that 8 months is not such a long time after 5 yrs and that i have to take it a bit easy on myself
it helped to see that - and now i can add another challenge to my list - need to still work on not getting overwhelmed, which is definitely still left over from the concussion stuff - as labug wrote on her thread - the brain is wired to do certain things and changing them does take time.
so i'm looking forward to continuing to find out more about myself and things to work on as i move forward
hope everyone has a really beautiful day
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
got it! i'm printing it out as a reminder that this is my path right now - just saving myself, and everything else is secondary.
we 'fixer" types are too busy trying to make everything else better first before ourselves . maybe that's why it's so hard to receive and make good on the real message in DB - which is take care of yourself and the rest will follow as it is meant to.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Zig, chiming in for the first time. I don't post much because I've been dealing with my own grief, but I've come to a bit of a crossroads and have the clarity that comes with it.
Originally Posted By: zig
i guess i'm asking is it better to GAL off on my own - or GAL in front of him with other people.
Perhaps the counter question is, in your heart, are you GALing for you, or to somehow affect your H, how he feels and what he chooses? You must remember that GALing is for you, so whether or not he is there or other people are there to see it is beside the point.
It is better off to GAL as a new way of living that focuses on your enriching your life, your soul, your emotions, your health. Stay in the here and the now!
Which brings me to this:
Originally Posted By: zig
i'm trying to do two things at once - two very big things that have had me both so overwhelmed that when the sitch gets more difficult or challenging, i don't handle it very well.
one, of course, is trying to DB and save this marriage, which as everyone here knows is more than enough for anyone to deal with.
but the second - and here i realize is where i forgot about myself - is learning to live in the world again...
The second will feed the first, although it should not be the driver. "Learning to live in the world again" IS GALing, IS DBing. And you have to do it for YOU, with the outcome that YOU will be OK, regardless of what choices your H makes. I haven't read back about the accident you refer to, but that's where your focus needs to be, bringing your emotional health up to the place where your physical health has gotten.
It is absolutely heartbreaking as the calendar turns over, the major events occur, the seasons change, and where once we made plans with our Hs we are now making them alone. Every event is another grieving process, but it truly does get easier. I've come to realize that there are *other ways* that are just as good as or better than those I had with H. I just have to be open to them. Change is hard.
Calm blue ocean, Zig, and one day at a time.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
