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At lunch he texted me that he got a new phone so he got a new plan, I could take him off our old one. It was a family plan of 2, he and I. So either he doesn't want me to see who he is talking to or he is trying to irritate me, show me he is in charge of himself.

I would guess he's not trying to irritate you but rather separate himself from you. You can choose to feel irritated by it or to look at it as another step in his process.

This is detaching, allowing another person to make their own decisions.

If you get irritated about everything he does, you are allowing him to control you.

You get to control you, if you choose to.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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My husband did the same thing about his phone a couple of weeks ago. I got an e-mail from the company to let me know it had taken his number off our plan, he hadn't even bothered to tell me! I had to ask him, then he seemed to think it wasn't that big of a deal, just part of sorting things out. He meant to tell me, but forgot, he said.

He got his own checking account too. I still control the family joint one, but he has his own to manage that he pays his expenses out of.

It has given me lots of bad vibes, because I am always on the look out for other woman signs, but I never see any evidence that there is one. And I've said before, if he does have one, she must not care much about him as much as he is with us. lol I just try to not act surprised, accept it, and roll with it right now. I am almost feeling like I expect one of these surprises every couple of days or so.


M 36
H 36
D9,S6, Expecting D in August 2012
M 13
T 18
Told me he wanted to separate 12/31/2011
Moved Out 2/2/2012
Didn't want to work on things, wanted divorce 4/20/2012
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Fifi,

Good idea on the C today. Hopefully, you have some concrete stuff to report?

Quote:
He let himself into the house this am because he wanted to be here when the kids woke up. Seems like he is reaching out. Seems "nice".


Was that "nice" sarcastic or genuine? Sorry, I don't want to assume.. written word is often hard to detect, particularly when you don't know someone personally.

If it was genuine, do you think moving out on you on the kids is nice? (And no, that is not me being sarcastic.) I understand that you haven't had the official talk with the kids yet, and that is why he says he's doing things at your house. But how long are you going to let this happen, Fifi? Those kids have got to understand that they are sitting in the middle of a change minefield. Maybe the answer is to do this with your counselors? I don't know... but from my vantage point, this is more P/A behavior. Is he waiting for YOU to do the dirty?

Let me put this in perspective. Are you going to be able to let yourself in his apartment?

Even more important.. and this is for 2012sf as well. Do either of you have a separation agreement with your husbands? Because you are legally on the hook for all debts incurred by them. They can finance a new sports car and leave you with the bag without an agreement. So if you don't have one, you should get one. My XH and I did ours right after he moved out with a mediator, which is recognized by the courts.

Hopefully your C session helps.

smile Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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I don't have a separation agreement with mine legally, just verbally. I currently am not working, financially he makes a lot of money, and he is having me manage all of it. (My background is accounting.) He is all about paying off our debt we currently have and has taken on a side job to throw even more money on it, so it just hasn't been something I have had to worry about on my end. If he wants cash, he asks me for it. I would bet he doesn't even know his pin number. I even have power of attorney papers for him. I really trust him in that area, and I know he trusts me to take care of things in the best interest of our family. I think that is probably a little bit of his problem, I have always taken care of things and he hasn't had to grown up in some ways. I hesitate to force a legal document with him, because I know it will just make the divorce that much more of a reality and it seems very unnecessary in our case right now. I will definitely start to pursue that line of thinking if I see more evidence of him pulling away to spend or another woman comes out though. I definitely won't stand by and let him reek financial havoc on us.


M 36
H 36
D9,S6, Expecting D in August 2012
M 13
T 18
Told me he wanted to separate 12/31/2011
Moved Out 2/2/2012
Didn't want to work on things, wanted divorce 4/20/2012
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 96
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Had a good session with my DB coach today. He did give me a little perspective about avoidant personalities. I felt good after talking to him. We talked about boundaries, and how he needs to call before he comes over, we need to have a set schedule, that he should treat it like any other "friend's" house. He also talked about how he sees H "testing" me right now, to see if he can make me angry, which in an emotion I freely express that he is extremely uncomfortable with.

I talked to H via email today and we are definitely telling the kids tomorrow after work. He is meeting alone with our MC to come up with a script, which he will email to me before he comes over. I have asked him to do most of the explaining, since this is his choice.

Tonight my S4 threw the biggest tantrum I have seen yet. He is obviously in pain, and a lot of it. I realize that I am starting to really dislike my H. I understand there were things he wasn't happy with, but hey how about a conversation about it before you decide it's "too broken". I can handle it, I feel myself being stronger by the day, but the impact this has on my children is what I don't think I can forgive him for.

My coach today was talking about patience, and how much this takes. It is hard to have patience when I see my child in pain. My Moma Bear is out now. I want to protect them, it is all I can think of. I want to follow the principles of the DBing, becoming a better person, realizing my full potential. I am up for the task. Unfortunately for my children, I don't think my H has the same goals for himself. I think tonight was my turning point for letting go of outcome as far as my H is concerned. I need to focus on myself and my children.


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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Ok, I know my last post sounded very angry. It is the main issue I am working on. It is good that I have these boards because it prevented me from emailing him that same message.

That being said, now that I am calm, I still feel like my priority is my children. Seeing him place his needs above theirs does change my opinion of him.

Betsey- I did see a lawyer. She said a separation agreement isn't necessary in our state. I also do all the finances (minus his new checking account and phone bill), so I have a pretty good handle on that luckily. I actually have credit monitoring for both of us so I got an email last night about the "new verizon account". I don't think I have to worry about him doing anything crazy with the finances, as for the rest of it, who knows.

2012- sorry you had a rough day. I am going to write you more tomorrow on your thread about some advice from the DB coach since our sitchs are so similar


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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I just wanted to say that this entire thread really helped me look at my own sitch. I even copied and pasted a few good quotes for my own notes later.

I think OldTimer is a genius

Reading the info that your husband wrote in that letter made me feel like he could have spoken for my husband as well. My husband never said those things. He kept saying he was fine and happy until I basically said I don't believe you're happy and I'm not happy either. Then later he mentioned a lot of those things. I said to my IC when she said sounds like you're finally listening. I said yeah well he never talked before. And she said maybe he didn't think he could.
I HATE more than anything that it's taken this for us to communicate and look at where things went wrong. I HATE that we never agreed to look at it sooner.
You said that you changed your opinion of him because of his behaviour. I will say that I went through that period and he has changed again since then. This is all very very hard for everyone. I think both parties just try to get through it the best way they can. He later apologised for not being involved with SS sooner after he moved out. (he sees him as his son) So like they say believe half of what you hear or whatever...I made judgements based on comments he made and then he took responsibility and changed those judgements.
Good luck

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Brit- I agree, Old Timer is a genius! I am glad that something in my thread was helpful. I think you will be VERY helpful on these boards as a previous WAW. Post all of your insight to us.

Tonight we had the "talk" with the kids. It actually went much better than we had expected, we were emailing back and forth about it and both admitted being anxious. Our D2 was oblivious, and our S4 was sad but ok. I feel like a weight has been lifted.

H was very standoffish with me. Said how even though he is the one leaving he is really sad. I feel like saying, "stop being such a victim and work on our relationship for our kids sake then!" But I didn't. That's new behavior for me I suppose. I do hear every day about how sad he is, but I can't guide his journey. When I first read the 3 face of victim that Queen had suggested I totally realized I was the persecutor and he the victim. It was so obvious.

Didn't do much DB because tensions were high. I did ask H if he could watch the kids because I have plans to go out for cinco de mayo with a group of friends (male and female, some single, some married). I guess that counts as GAL. Should I wear my ring? Haven't taken it off yet, but now that he is telling everyone we are separated I think it's fair for me to do. Anyone have any thoughts on the ring wearing issue?


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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I just wanted to say that I remember about 6 weeks after I ended our relationship I had a weekend where I didn't leave the sofa and cried a bit. H asked me what was wrong and I was like I'm upset, my marriage is over. At that point yes I was the one who ended it, but I was still very very upset. I didn't think we could work on it. I didn't think there was any hope.

Telling him to work on it for any sake isn't going to change how he feels. He may truly believe that there isn't a chance right now. But that doesn't mean he'll always feel that.

He only said to you ILYBNILWY less than 8 weeks ago. He may still be in the shock phase and is trying to process everything. When I was the WAW I was in shock that it was actually ending that I'd said it out loud. The realisation that my marriage was over. And I felt really guilty that I'd ended it. That maybe I'd given up. So I just kept looking at any of his behaviour to reassure me I'd made the right decision. Anything he did wrong was like validation for my decision. Then I was angry about things that I'd never mentioned before. It felt really theraputic to say and you never did this and I always hated this. Just to be able to say things I'd put up with before. Then I missed him, his company, his sense of humour. But when we got together old things that upset me were still there. (because he was hurting I think) Then he detached, GAL, and we began to have better conversations about our relationship. just thought my timeline might help!

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My situation is very different as I don't have kids but I decided this week to stop wearing my ring socially/ on weekends but will still wear it to work (teacher) so coworkers who I haven't told wont ask/gossip and because I don't want to tell parents. I will tell you though- I feel sad without it on. I went out with friends last weekend and they made me take it off halfway through the night and I kind of became a wreck. I actually got approached by a man, which you would think would be a great ego boost but it just made me very uncomfortable/sad. The next day I cried a lot. H only ever wore his socially (doesnt like the feeling of rings/watches) so he didn't even take it with him when he left. Maybe try not wearing it in short bursts first- like when you run errands, etc. My recently divorced friend said you will know when it's time to stop wearing it (my time came after getting an email that H was ready to start dating- ick). Have fun tonight- regardless of what you choose.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
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