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broken and 2thepoint-

thank you for your help. thats why i post here. to learn. backing off i need to do. i dont know why i cant. the thoughts eat me up i guess. any ideas on how to set boundries?


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
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Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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didn't initiate any contact today. she called after i picked up the kids and asked what we were having for supper. i said i didnt know. i would figure it out when the kids and i get back from the park. W said she had tutoring to do and would be home around 7. still not here and i dont really care. my schedule is not going to revolve around her. when she says jump..i will, if i feel like it. she still hasnt signed our separation agreement or custody agreement. kinda wierd. oh well. had fun at the park with the kids.

anyone have any ideas on a healthy way to set boundries. i'm sick of the arguing and being yelled at, thats for sure.


m:31 W:32
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Divorced: 12/12/12

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"W keeps saying she might start dating if the opportunity comes up. she isn't looking though. its in our separation agreement that no dating is allowed."

How in the world do you intend to enforce this? Is this actually something your L came up with? There is no way this is enforceable. And what happens if she is seeing someone? What would actually happen to her as a consequence?

"when she says jump..i will, if i feel like it. "

Wrong wrong wrong. That's why she feels she can walk all over you. When she says jump, you leave for having her speak so disrespectfully to you. No more putting up with her yelling. Start putting your foot down.

If she wants to leave, let her. So far your strategy isn't working. It's time to do something else. She's acting like she's much better than you. Start demanding respect from her. Not by begging her for it.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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bond-

once again,i agree with you. i am starting to put my foot down. i meant if i feel like it. and right now i really really dont. i'm trying to find the balance between detaching and being an a$$hole. i am not begging. i am telling her there is no reason to yell. when she continues i walk away. she sayss im abusive. i think its the other way around. i'm trying to get back to the old me. i never used to put up with this stuff. it makes me sick, the stuff i do now. i think that the more i try to detach the more i feel like im giving up. and maybe thats what im doing. giving up on fixing the un-fixable. she has alot of work to do. that is up to her. i know i have alot to do also.
1. stay sober
2. gain my self respect back
3. be a great dad
4. accept the things i cannot change.
no matter what she decides, i need to stay on that track or all my dominoes will fall. im beginning to see there is nothing i can do when it comes to her. i have to worry about myself.

i appreciate your feedback and the time you have taken involving my sitch. thanks


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
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Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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well.. i set some boundries tonight. told her i wasnt putting up with her crap anymore. i did it in a calm collected manner. i feel better. not so much like a doormat anymore.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
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Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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How did you do that?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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yes, walk away when she yells. that's you setting boundaries and you don't even have to communicate it with words.

get a sponsor if you haven't already. focus on YOU!


M 42 H 39
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S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
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How hard are you working your program? As vero said, get a sponsor if you don't have one. This early in your sobriety, a good sponsor will be your best guide.

Have you read The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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i told her what she does is up to her. if she wants to date fine, i will file for divorce. i refuse to be treated like that. if she wants to yell, she will be yelling to herself because i wont be there. if she wants to call the cops on me for disagreeing, fine, i will file. i am not her little b.tch and she cannot treat me that way. she didnt know what to say and i left it at that.

labug-
i have a sponsor. i am seriously working my program. i go to meeting 2 times a week and meet with my sponsor 1 a week. i have not read that book. should i?

i dont know if what i said was DBin about my limits. i dont really care at this point. i will continue to work on myself but im so done puttin up with her drama. any feedback would be helpful.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
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Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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Quote:
i dont know if what i said was DBin about my limits. i dont really care at this point. i will continue to work on myself but im so done puttin up with her drama. any feedback would be helpful.


What you described above is exactly right as far as setting boundaries. Notice her reaction. The key for you now is to enforce those boundaries while keeping very "cool".

Good job!

PS any suggested reading is worthy of looking in to. You want to make yourself as attractive to the world as possible. Anything you do to work on YOU is worth it!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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