Been thinking alot latetly about everything. W has not changed her stance. Court is June 5th. Things have gotten worse at home. I try really hard to be polite and pleasant. I stay out of her way as much as possible. She says nothing to me at all. Seems extremelly angry. I get an occasional glance but that is it.
The last few days I have realized that I have to let go in my heart not my head. She needs to know that I will be ok and that I'm happy. I think that is how it works. I bet she could smell the fear. I still struggle with it but if I want to see some changes in my stich I have to move on. Sad thing is that I don't know if I want to be M anymore.
Yesterday went to a birth day party and I was the only single guy. There were 6 couples. of those only 1 didn't argue. The rest of them fought about stupid stuff throught out the day?
Thank God for Galing. It is keeping me sane. I have met lots of wonderful people in the last 10 months. I thank them for walking with me. Couldn't do this without them. I still get sad but not as bad as it was. I always have someone who will listen to my vents. So this is where I'm at today.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
The last few days I have realized that I have to let go in my heart not my head. She needs to know that I will be ok and that I'm happy. I think that is how it works. I bet she could smell the fear. I still struggle with it but if I want to see some changes in my stich I have to move on. Sad thing is that I don't know if I want to be M anymore.
you hit the crux of the sitch, if you want it to change. just go for that and focus on the big pic. don't look to how she is acting or not acting - just keep your own big picture in your mind
i've finally got to the point of realizing the same - i have to let go in my heart and really be happy for myself - just keep focusing only only on that. and trust that .
you've grown up already rick - and that's all you need to know.the rest will work itself out
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Keep that chin up Rick :-) Detach and keep GAL my friend, the latter is certainly easier than the former and we all know that. As Zig said you have came a long way keep up the good work!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Rick, I found this post from a good friend, I hope you get something from it.
There are thousands of post related to going dark, letting go, detaching, getting a life, moving on, etc. etc. Whatever you want to call it, it's about regaining your own sanity, healing your broken heart, stop being a doormat and becoming a likable person.
It has been said over and over that there is no bigger attraction killer than a loss of respect, yet there are still a lot of people here who for months after months are still struggling to make that seemingly simple concept a reality.
So what gives?
Every single day I read folks here pounding each other with the same rhetoric – drop the rope, let them go, take care of yourself, become attractive again, blahblahblah. Yet minutes later they are right back in the same porridge which they have been cooking themselves in for a long time.
I have no doubt that the theory makes perfect sense, it is the lack of strength to put it in practice. Why is that?
One of the problems I see is the notion that letting go, going dark and moving on from the spouse who has fired you is some kind of a tactic to win them back. That has been advocated in books and forums. But it should not be a tactic or it will not be genuine and will not produce desired results. The walkaways and waywards are not blind or stupid not to see through the fakeness of these actions.
So how do you make this "reality"ť?
You must drop the expectations that your actions are going to turn your situation around. You will never get emotionally detached if you are constantly checking what the reactions to your actions are. When I think of Stockdale Paradox, which I do very often, I see everything around me which disrupts my pursuit of happiness, as brutal facts which need to be confronted in order to prevail.
So how do you put this into practice? Your spouse fired you. You are not happy. You want her/him back. He/she does not want you because you are not longer attractive.
You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end with the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your reality.
To really understand that, is fundamental for success. To sit around and keep doing nothing or keep doing what does not work, will get you nowhere. The only person you can change and improve is yourself. Have faith in yourself to become the strong attractive person who your spouse once fell in love with. Don't do it to impress him/her, do it for yourself and your future. Remember that they don't want you anymore, so drop that for a reason.
Obsessing about the past and trying to figure out what your spouse is feeling or thinking is counterproductive. There is also nothing you can do to change history. You can however change the way you think about your emotions. Value yourself. You were fired because you had lost respect. No respect, no attraction.
Get out and explore the world. Listen to what people say about themselves and others around you. What is it that they like and adore in another person? Pay attention to that. Examine how attractive people interact. Look at their mannerism, body language, listen to how they talk and the words they use. Also learn from the people who are disliked and understand why they are.
Practice and be amazed how it works.
Suddenly you are no longer obsessed by the brutal reality of your situation. You find revelation and peace. You are completely comfortable with yourself to achieve happiness you deserve. Where is that wayward spouse again? Oh, I have forgotten. Look, there,…as miserable as before.
You confronted your brutal facts, you have not confused faith with discipline and you have prevailed. You are attractive, strong and confident person. If your spouse is still lingering and around and took notice, you may have a chance for reconciliation should you choose it. If not, you are ready to move on and pursue the new successful relationship as long as you don't forget what you just have learned.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
That is the ticket, thanks for that gr8... And congrats on your successful DB'ng, I look forward to reading your threads to see how you did it!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
I am offcially D and very happy with my life. Her loss. She has done nothing to improve herself. In fact she has digressed as a person. All her choices. She hates the fact that I'm happy.
I am living the last paragraph.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Hmmm, Did I start that thread??? The was 2 years ago. FWIW to those going through this now, My STBX(at that time) did see changes and was having second thought. Enough doubt for her to reach out to me to try to reconcile.\
Thanks CB for finding this.
There are a lot of good posts on that thread, a lot.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
