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#2242885 - 05/04/12 03:52 PM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: kat727]
kat727 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/08
Posts: 9938
Loc: Kansas
Also don't call him unless it has to do with your son. No checking in on him right now. No relationship talks.

kat
_________________________
M-50(and fabulous!)
S21, S18, D15, D14
Don't judge every day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. Robert Louis Stevenson

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#2242943 - 05/04/12 07:53 PM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: kat727]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
Thank you so much for responding!

I agree - I'm backing off, I understand now that by 'inviting' him along with whatever plans I was doing, he took it as I wasn't listening to him, and in his words 'being delusional' Which wasn't my intention.

I had a IC last night... which was interesting.

A good point I learned: I need to read Codependent No More
I have spent too much of my life 'managing' and 'fixing' the relationship. I agree with this. I lost site of myself. I am reminded of that 'gift of time' statement.

Also I did realize that H doesn't communicate with his family about relationships or important issues, so why would I expect him to do the same with me? He never learned that skill and he grows angry when I do try to 'talk things out' because it's not how he's dealt with life before. I'm not saying this is right/wrong, but at least I see why we seem to be on two different planets sometimes... or why he thinks I'm being 'annoying' by talking so much.

Now on to the rest:
She thinks I need to consult with a lawyer as he seems like a 'loose cannon' to her. I don't think he is a loose cannon yet. But she says that I am not taking care of myself and my S and divorce is inevitable.
In the next couple of weeks, she wants to work on 'mourning the death of my relationship'. I am struggling with this thought. It seems so 'final' to me when she says that. Like there is NO hope. ever.

He 'sounds' bipolar to the IC, but unless he goes in and actually gets treatment, she says there is no hope. I do think he struggles with this, and in the past, I sent him info about it but I can't make him do anything about it.

I left there feeling worse then I arrived. I ended up talking to my MIL of all people (the same woman who struggles with the issues that her S does). Her advice was strangely so so close to the DB on here. GO figure... She may not be as 'off' as I thought. wink

She told me to give him space, to let him see what he is missing. To be cordial, and not 'talk' as I have. She believes he'll come around. She also basically told me to GAL. LOL.
Start a running program, a exercise program...something with a start and end date so I know I'm working towards a goal.

I'm sorry if I am being repetitive, sometimes I feel like I need to remind myself a lot....
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2242945 - 05/04/12 07:55 PM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: LIO]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
I am currently in the process making a list to post to my bathroom mirror and wallet of my goals. With start and end dates and shiny stars for my calendar wink That way when I feel like waivering and calling on H, I just go check my progress and pick a item off the list to do.
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2242967 - 05/04/12 09:22 PM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: LIO]
kat727 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/08
Posts: 9938
Loc: Kansas
I always felt that the relationship that we had, had been destroyed by the affair. I felt that anything that we hoped to have together needed to be built on a new and strong foundation. So take that as your relationship dying.

I don't believe in going to a counselor who just says your marriage is over. She must not be pro marriage. I have seen a few relationships saved but those have been where the LBS really dropped the rope, were moving on with their lives and not stuck trying to figure out their WAS. Some get there faster than others.

Listen to your MIL, if she is similiar to her son then she knows what she is talking about. Some of us do too, even if our marriages weren't saved.

hugs, kat
_________________________
M-50(and fabulous!)
S21, S18, D15, D14
Don't judge every day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. Robert Louis Stevenson

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#2243173 - 05/06/12 01:21 AM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: kat727]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
Journaling:

I restarted my running program. I'm getting over a sickness, but ran 3 miles today. I've decided that I'm going to run a marathon. That will give me a start and finish. Unfortunately lots of time in my head too - but that's okay. In the past when I've run (I've only gotten to 1/2 marathon distance) I was in my head trying to figure out H. Today I was running and working on developing my goals further while I was out there. I had brief moments where I would think about the impending move date, but then I said to myself "I've done everything I can. I've given him information about the cycles, places he can go, and he needs to worry about himself if he wants to get better. I can only worry about me and S now." I had a good run. 15 lbs of stress pounds lost actually makes running easier.

I guess he called a therapist to go in and talk. Of course, I'm not supposed to 'know' that as he won't talk to me yet. Whatever. The reality of him moving is coming closer (plus it's about the end of his mania right now where life starts to look better to him). I don't know what will come of that, nor am I asking. He has his 'cycle' history from me in b&w. He's talking a little more to his dad. I don't take these as 'good'. The end of another cycle. I guess the difference for me is this I'm choosing to 'live' life without him instead of living it with him for 6 'good' months of the year. I told him at one point, 'I can't go through another winter.'

I actually wonder what a winter would be like when I am not consumed with someone else's depression, their moodiness. And me feeling lonely and disconnected.

I've got my list of goals to do now, and he knows I said "goodbye" already. I guess that's my 'closure'. I can't be part of that type of relationship anymore that I only get 'him' for 6 months of the year before the 'other' one comes and withdraws. I can't live that life anymore. I've got this person named "LIO" to now look after, who I've neglected for 6 months of a year for 10 years, and I've got a 5 year old who I need to keep an eye on (if this is bipolar - which it sounds like, it's genetic).

A relationship with him is a 50/50 shot. I don't *want* to give up on him... but it's a cycle, and as such I will give it up because I need to. I will have a better idea if this will work when I am healthier in my own head, and if he gets some help with his issue. Until then, I will be cordial, I will be nice. I will be receptive to him but only if I KNOW he is working on himself. I don't feel like 'grieving' my relationship in the way my counselor wants me to. I don't see the point. I see a man with an illness and it's getting worse. I have given him every resource I can. Now his life is up to him. He's a free bird now. I'm trying to rebuild MY life now. I can't compromise myself anymore to 'be' the perfect wife, the perfect anything. I want to enjoy life too instead of trying to balance all the plates up on the high wire. I don't want to slip in my confidence that sometimes shows up! smile I think that's my true self and it's time to be true to myself.
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2243422 - 05/07/12 06:32 PM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: LIO]
kat727 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/08
Posts: 9938
Loc: Kansas
How are you doing today?

kat
_________________________
M-50(and fabulous!)
S21, S18, D15, D14
Don't judge every day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. Robert Louis Stevenson

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#2243701 - 05/08/12 06:17 PM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: kat727]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
Thank you so much for popping in Kat

Sunday was a crappy day. The silence is deafening to me and I could NOT SHUT UP. I need to learn how to accept quiet. H said "This is the hardest part." as if everything will be wonderful and perfect after a divorce.
S was at the beach with FIL. When S got back, H said to him "Oh we should go to the beach soon!" We doesn't include me with him. I don't exist.

Later on, I stayed outside with S and played with the neighbor kid. H came out to make his 'presence known' to me. (If I ignore him for a period of time, he will go to wherever I am for a made up reason so he can see that I see him - like a peacock). Then H blew up at his dad so loud S and I could hear it outside. (FIL is still here). FIL walked out the house and would have left permanently if it weren't for my S.

Then for the final part of the day: H says I 'hover' too much and don't allow him to do anything with S (he is home with S in the mornings alone, and H usually spends his free time sleeping, playing video games, or drawing). I said "Thank you for telling me that. I had no idea that you felt that way or that I did that. I'll try to work on that." H rolled his eyes and then mentioned the Divorce and getting the phantom serving paperwork signed (he then threatened me with getting a server) which I said "do whatever you feel you need to".


Yesterday, we barely spoke. I called for S because S wanted to talk. When S said (and not with prompting from me) "Dad, I really want you home at night" (H works until 11:00pm at his OWN choice - he could change that if he wanted to) H got angry with ME... (in private in the past 2 years, I had mentioned that S has said several times that he would love to see him before he goes to bed).

S is breaking my heart. He is telling FIL at night heartbreaking statements like no one likes him, and he's acting now more now. H doesn't see it as a problem. He's too wrapped up in his own head. So I am working with S now trying to reassure him.

I don't recognize H. He is a ghost of himself. He hyperfocuses on S in one moment with playing intensely, but then doesn't really 'deal' with S's feelings. H's family doesn't 'talk'. I do. I want S to talk.

I'm trying to stay positive, but it's hard when I'm speaking to a brick wall with H. Last night, he got home and I was watching TV. H turned on that laptop (effectively cutting me out), then even after I offered to sit on the chair so he could have the couch, he said 'no' then took the pillow and blanket and went to sleep on the floor of the office. I said nothing else and did not follow him. Usually when he gets home I say "Hey, how was work?" or try to get some little conversation going. But I think I'll stop that too.

I did not wake up and go down and lay next to him. Good for me.

Today I woke up with another song playing in my head:
"Little Talks" from Of Monsters and Men
Mainly these parts (mine would be the pink)

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back
Well tell HIM [her] that I miss our little talks.

Soon it will all be over, buried with our past
We used to play outside when we were young and full of life and full of love.

Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right.
Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear.


You're gone, gone, gone away,
I watched you disappear.
All that's left is a ghost of you.


Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,
there's nothing we can do,
Just let me go, we'll meet again soon.
Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around
I'll see you when I fall asleep.



That's the extent of living with a person who is hot/cold. Undiagnosed bipolar. Getting pushed, then pulled. I am usually a take action kinda gal. This doing nothing is very very very hard. But I will be consulting with a few lawyers soon. I have no idea what H will do, or won't do.

The 15th is coming up soon. I say nothing about H moving out. He says nothing. I don't know his plans. One time he mentioned that he would come over every morning and make S breakfast. I don't think he realizes what being 'divorced' means, but he will realize that he is still the same as he is now... unhappy. I however know that S and I will be better off if H refuses to get help for himself.
No, I don't want a divorce...but I want to be ready and this isn't fair to S or me.

So onto what I CAN control.
No communication with H.
Focus on S.
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2243704 - 05/08/12 06:21 PM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: LIO]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
On the non-H side.

S and I built a birdhouse that S had been asking H about for a year. So we did it yesterday.

My house is getting cleaner now.
I am working on getting stuff sold online, and getting the garage cleared. I wrote down my goals regarding getting the house ready for sale this summer so I have a focus.

My new pants are getting bigger (I might be able to get into a smaller size at the end of the month!)

And SIL and MIL come into town Friday.
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2243715 - 05/08/12 07:00 PM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: LIO]
AprilT Offline
Member

Registered: 03/27/12
Posts: 127
Loc: Georgia
LIO your H sounds like mine with the bi-polar thing! Just keep waking up each morning, smiling when you make it through and each day will get a little easier. Sounds like you and your S are doing a lot. Good for you both.

Hang in there.

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#2243764 - 05/08/12 10:15 PM Re: (NA) Re: What is going on here... and what do I do? [Re: AprilT]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
Hi LIO, it sounds like you are getting a good hold on detaching. Good for you for keeping focused on your S. I laughed at your peacock comment because I also imagined him strutting around with his chest puffed out and his hands on his hips. I know what you mean, though. smile

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