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Quote:
She's tired, wants to nap, you rescue
I do know where you're coming from CT and I appreciate it. That is the exact thing I struggle with. Did I need to let her take a nap? No. Could I have left her with the kids? Yes. Would that have meant giving up that time I got to have with the kids? Yes.

So then... it's a judgment and values call. At this point I've been choosing to maximize my time with the kids ahead of not "rescuing" her. Though I haven't sought out opportunities to rescue her either. In essence, if she benefits from my desire to maximize time with the kids, then I guess she benefits.

Does this make it more likely that we won't recon? No one knows that. Does it make it more likely that we will? No one knows that either.

The only thing I do know is what I can control. I can control whether I choose to maximize my time with my kids, particularly SS and SD. I can spend time with them and let them know they are still loved.

At this point I value having them know they are loved and cared for over the amorphous odds of not being there impacting my W to the point where she chooses to get back together. I am cognizant of the choice and aware of both sides.

And it's what makes me happy. Being a part of SD's birthday makes me happy. Having my house filled with the kids, the laughing, the squabbles, all of it makes me happy.

I know that there is a chance that doing the opposite brings that back full-time. There's also just as good, if not greater, chance that it doesn't make a difference.

If I didn't have to play "third fiddle" in the lives of my SS and SD the demarcation line would be much clearer. But it isn't so I keep evaluating based on my own values.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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Not much too update though it's been a while. Haven't talked to my W in almost a week. Spent the end of last week and the weekend in Alabama with some other volunteer members working on changes to the national structure of our youth program. It was fun though tiring too. But it was good... rarely during my time down there did I think about my sitch. Usually only at night before turning in... in the past that's when I would've called her to say good night.

Got home and missed my S so much! Really missing SS and SD too... saw my son Thursday morning before I left but haven't seen SS or SD since last week Tuesday. I'll get to see SS tonight though.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
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Hmmm... saw W tonight briefly. Had SS and S tonight and took them over to W's house to put S to bed on time. W was annoyed that I put him to bed on-time and she didn't get to see him. C'est la vie.

I was working with SS to get his dress uniform squared away for this weekend. I mentioned to W that he needs a haircut as his haircut doesn't meet regulation. It didn't meet regs three weeks ago either when I also mentioned it. She got sort of "pissy". Not at me per se, but just generally. She starts on this riff about how she just got paid, her check was shorter than she thought it would be, and she barely has enough for rent.

Yeah.. that suxx. I grabbed my coat and told her I'd see her Friday when she gets the kids, then walked out. She followed. She apologized for going off about the money, that she knows it's not my problem.

We discussed Wednesday where she agreed to watch S while I am out of town for work for the night. She failed to realize she works the next morning and having S means she has to scramble that morning. Ok... well, you said you'd do it and I haven't made other plans so I expect you will still do it. She agreed she would and said she didn't want me to think she was trying to get out of it... though that's exactly what it was. Or if not get out of it, get me to solve her problem for her. I simply said that I'd be out of town so she'll have to figure it out.

She started to vent about her job. This was the job that was the solution to her life. It was part of what triggered her MLC I think.. she was so secure that she was ready to "go it alone". I just said I had to go and walked out to my car.

I'll admit it was hard leaving, but it's always hard. I miss my kids so much. But it was a relief as well. I was perfectly fine not having to own her issues.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
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Quote:
I'll admit it was hard leaving, but it's always hard. I miss my kids so much. But it was a relief as well. I was perfectly fine not having to own her issues.


Detachment is a beautiful thing. Isn't it, WHG?


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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I hadn't thought of it that way... but you're right. All I was thinking as I sat in my van was "dang... I used to have to listen to all that".

I could still feel the old tensions build up... could feel my brain kicking in to troubleshoot as she complained about her boss, her co-workers, her employer. She even kept chatting as I walked down the sidewalk.

But I was able to stop myself. To simply empathize and say "sorry" and leave. And I meant it... I do feel sorry for her. She's very lost and struggling. I know it's largely self-inflicted, but that doesn't change the pain. I can still feel empathy for someone even if they made their own bed.

But since there's nothing I can do about it, it's not worth spending my time on changing.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
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Ok... if anyone sees this in the next 30-45 minutes please respond, I need advice!

This is the text message I just got from my W, "I'm about to cry... I don't have enough money for my meds or SS's haircut or anything else the next two fu@%ing weeks... any way you can pay for SS to get a haircut tonight?" Then goes on about how she can pay me back next check as there's extra (three pay period month). She ends it with, "I hate to ask but I'm really having a bad time and don't know what to do..."

The backdrop is that I had already decided on Friday that if SS hadn't had a haircut yet I'd get him one. Why? Two reasons. First, if SS shows up with his haircut out of regs he'll get crap from his command structure (as he should). Second, the Commander's kid can't show up with his hair out of regulation... that's just not cool. Irregardless of whether he's mine or not, or the divorce/separation, or whatever... it makes me look bad to have my cadet out of compliance and it makes him look bad through no fault of his own.

But I had just planned to do it. Now she throws the begging into the equation. Bah. Any advice is great. I know this is rescuing... this suxx


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
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Give him the haircut. You are rescuing him, not her.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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What's with the 30-45 minute panic?

Anyway, I'd say:

"Your in luck, lol. I'd already planned to make SS a gift of a haircut tonight. I need my cadet to look good. So, I'll just continue with that plan. To be clear, no need to pay me back as this is a gift from me to him. But, to be frank, I'm uncomfortable with your request to borrow money."

Or leave off the last sentence. But it really is inappropriate for her to continue to use you as emotional/financial support AND for you to continue to be her emotional/financial support.

If nothing else, please remember not to parent her. You need to learn how to not be her Daddy.


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Thanks OT... you sure you didn't my text by mistake? Not sure what the time panic was for... I guess I didn't really want to get a follow-up one from her. The first set me aside enough.

Anyway, I went with a response on my own after just thinking about it for a while... though it was eerily similar to what you said. I came to a place where it was about SS and about me.

I also offered it as a gift... and said that I would take him. If I'm going to pay for it I want the chance to spend some time with him. And I told her it was my gift to him... no need to pay me back.

I had a line about how I'm sorry she's struggling. Then I took it out. Not because I'm not sorry, but because that's not my role.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
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English teacher here....

irregardless is not a word...

pet peeve of mine

the word you are looking for is regardless

smile

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