Today my L emailed me my Ws response. It said that I threatened her life in addition to other verbal abuse on July 16 2011. I did threatened her that day. I remember how out of control I was. I have said mean things to her. But I have said many more nice things to her. Can't take it back. Did I have a right to be angry, I think so. Has she been mean to me? Yes. I did not need to get angry and nasty. That is not who I am. I rather make jokes and laugh. In four weeks we may be divorced.
I don't know why I got soooo angry with my W. Still looking at it. Catfour agrees that it was fear. But what was there to fear? Keep digging ok
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Today my L emailed me my Ws response. It said that I threatened her life in addition to other verbal abuse on July 16 2011. I did threatened her that day. I remember how out of control I was. I have said mean things to her. But I have said many more nice things to her. Can't take it back. Did I have a right to be angry, I think so. Has she been mean to me? Yes. I did not need to get angry and nasty. That is not who I am. I rather make jokes and laugh. In four weeks we may be divorced.
I don't know why I got soooo angry with my W. Still looking at it. Catfour agrees that it was fear. But what was there to fear? Keep digging ok
Rick,
Don't worry about what happened in the past. The important thing is that you have made tremendous change since that time. I am confident your daughter and others have witnessed that in you. Let your lawyer worry about the logistics of the divorce. Keep DB'ing, being the best Rick you can be and detach yourself from the anger and fear you may be feeling. Don't allow it to control your actions now. As you said, that is not who you are.
You are right that you cannot take back your former behavior. You are also right then even if your wife has acted mean to you, you need to keep control of your anger and not be nasty in return. What I'm wondering is, have you ever apologized to her for your past behavior (and I'm not talking about during the pleading/begging phase post bomb-drop; I mean when things were calm and you sincerely meant it)? If so, great. If not, when the time is right, apologizing and asking for her forgiveness as well as forgiving her for how she has hurt you are the best things you can do for YOU. Remember, she doesn't have to ask for forgiveness for you to give it to her. It's something YOU control for YOU.
Let the anger and fear and regret and all the things you are holding against her go. You will feel healthier and lighter and better able to move forward.
Rick, People say things always in the heat of the moment. My STBEX seems to be bi-polar. He can be nasty as all get out and say the most outrageous things to me one moment, and then the next day act as if nothing was ever said. Let it go, and don't beat yourself up about it. We are human, and love and hate are just opposite sides of the same coin.
Thanks guys and it is always nice that you check in ncl.
I was driving home today and remembered what my Ws response to my L was regarding the horse. When she bought it she told me her mom gave 10k and she put the rest, 5k. I was kind of annoyed that a month or two after we bought a new car she said she only had 2k. She makes twice what I make. The discovery said that her mom gave 7k? Guess she lied. This is the kind of stuff that made me angry and why I didn't trust or believe her. This why I got angry when I found out my D had failed so many classes. I guess I resented not being told the truth. I knew something was wrong. Guess I'm angry at me for not listening to me. Wonder what else she lied or hid from me? And this was 3 years before we had this sitch.
Learning to trust my instincts. To deal with stuff differently. That the one u love is capable of anything to get their way. To not let my bad side come out and be vengeful. Not my job to punish but to protect me.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Learning to trust my instincts. To deal with stuff differently. That the one u love is capable of anything to get their way. To not let my bad side come out and be vengeful. Not my job to punish but to protect me.
Well said Rick, truer words have not been spoken! Keep that bad side on the shelf with mine, I think I have put him into storage once and for all I hope... Keep on keeping on my friend!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
[/i]"Wonder what else she lied or hid from me? And this was 3 years before we had this sitch."[i]
It doesn't matter what else she lied about. Yes, it may have cost you some money at the time and severely p!ssed you off, but leave the past in the past. No sense in mind reading what/why she did what she did or wondering what else went on. Just cut your losses and move on. Trust me, she isn't the first woman to lie to her husband about money, and she won't be the last. She may have done it in a bigger way than some of us who don't report exactly what we spent on a shopping trip with the girls, but it doesn't matter now.
[/i]"Learning to trust my instincts. To deal with stuff differently. That the one u love is capable of anything to get their way. To not let my bad side come out and be vengeful. Not my job to punish but to protect me."[i]
Let the old self - the vengeful, punishing self - die Rick. It doesn't suit you. You are a much more attractive, likable guy the way you are now.
Had a great weekend with friends. Told W on Friday that I will be out of town and returning Sunday eve. She didn't ask where and with who and I didn't say. It was a weird feeling at 1st. Never been anywhere on vacation without them. w continues on her path towards the D. Soemone at the get together said that I had the "dear in the head light look'. So true, still can't believe I'm in this situation.
It really doesn't help to feel like the victim and worry about the future. Nothing you can do about it other than to make yourself sick. So I'm working really hard on letting things happen as they will. Really need to stop the internal need to control the sitch. Drop the gun as I was once told. Took a while to get it but it is becoming clearer.
Truthfully I'm kind of exited about the future. Sounds nuts, right? This weekend I saw it with my own eyes that after a tragedy like this you can be happy again. Even happier than you could have imagined.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
So yesterday during one of my walks something happened to me. Not sure how to define it. I think it was anger towards me. I saw myself on one of the many windows I passed bye. I didn't like what I saw, a beaten down dude full of helplessness and hopelessness.Really? I just started talking to myself, said this is gotta stop, WTF is happening to me? For a brief moment my depression went away. I even feel ok today.
I have begun to imagine living without W and what that will look like. You can call it imagery. I have a hard time doing that in regards to my D15. Guess I realized that I control my life to a point. I realized how dependent I have been on my W. Always knew she would be there. I almost did something stupid today, was gonna tell W to put the house on the market. But didn't will wait for my L to guide me.
TBH even tho I screwed up in the M I don't know if I want W back. She is living her own life and doing things that she likes. I don't fit in her life as I want different things for myself. Maybe this is what needed to happen.
What I've learned: stay away from Jerseygurls my two long R didn't work out.When I'm ready to date I will look west or even south except for VA pretty screwed state. lol
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
who don't report exactly what we spent on a shopping trip with the girls, but it doesn't matter now.