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Zig,

You really have no control over when H tells the kids about OW. So, I'm not sure what you mean by "leave it to WAS to decide on their own." They WILL decide on their own. It isn't a choice you can make.

Certainly it would be better for the parents to work together: "H, of course at some point you'll want to share your R with your girlfriend with the kids. I'd like us to collaborate on how best to handle that. I certainly don't want them to be in the middle, so it would be good if you just let me know ahead of time in a direct way. Email would be fine. My feeling is that it would be better for them if __________. Perhaps we could consult with an expert to make sure we do things in the best way for the kids. Would you be up for that?"


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jks Offline OP
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Well, too late. I had already packed the kid's bags earlier this morning (so I didn't change anything.) and all I did was throw their coats on their bags and I left. I had an appt with another D lawyer and so I left my mom with the kids to hand them over to H. I totally thought this was inappropriate and too soon for him to be doing it but I knew it would just end up in a fight so I said nothing.

I just now am reading what you've said and I did text H that I thought it was inappropriate and I was concerned but his phone is probably out of service because I called and it went straight to VM.

I am so clueless as to how to handle these types of situations. I feel like everything I do, I do the wrong thing.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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hi jks - i know what you mean about feeling clueless about what to do in these situations - that's when i sort of get into panic mode!! i am beginning to realize that it's because i'm trying to 'protect' the situation with h so much that it is overriding taking care of my needs or s's needs and slowly i am starting to move away from that position. but it's very difficult, and maybe it's because we haven't really detached yet - we're so scared of saying no and they can feel it!!

you did your best - and use the chance while the kids are away to take care of yourself and have a little fun?

thanks old-timer for your reply - and i wasn't trying to say that i wanted any control over when s is told - it was more along the lines of the second para you wrote - that i just want us to prepare s for it.

on the other hand - i'm not so sure about the "experts" either. what if we land up with one who thinks it's not such a big deal? or one who gets on h's case and freaks him out?

i really like the way you worded what could be said - it is something that has been weighing on my mind for a while, and i need to find the right way to approach h about it.

thanks
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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lks,

How are your kids doing?


Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
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I think this thread on Boundaries may give you some insight.


Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
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My D6 is struggling. My mom and I were talking about this... her personality has always been so friendly and downright charming. I get compliments about it all the time because she is not afraid to talk to anyone. Well, lately, she doesn't want to have anything to do with anyone. She hides behind me when we're around people and all she wants to do is watch TV when we're at home. I've asked her if she'd like to play with some of the girls in our neighborhood and all she says is, "I want to play with my old friends." She hasn't really "clicked" with anyone here and it's very different because in our old neighborhood she had 4 girls on our street (all houses right in a row next to ours) that were her age that she grew up with and loves to play with. When we go back to our old neighborhood she always asks if we can go back to our house and give it a kiss and a hug.

She acts up a lot and ignores me and talks back a lot. We've cried a lot together. I feel so awful that she's going through this and I don't know how to handle it. The sad thing is... my H probably doesn't see this side of her because when the kids are with him, he's happy. He's moved on with life and he's planning events for them to do with his new girlfriend, ie camping.

Life with mom isn't as peachy. I struggle emotionally all the time. And obviously my kids feel it.

One day she pulled a hair elastic out of her hair and said, "Mommy, this is OW's, I just wanted to let you know so you didn't think it was yours." I told her ok. (feeling kind of confused why she even brought it up and thinking, gross, throw it in the trash!) Then she said, but I love you more than her. I immediately told her, of course you do, I'm your mother and that will never change. But it's ok that you hang out with OW. I don't want you to feel like its not ok. And she said ok. Sad that she even has to explain that to me.

Another instance she saw me crying and told me that she was going to tell my H to come be with me and not be with OW because she didn't want to see me sad. I told her not to do that.

I know she is so torn. I know she likes OW but she doesn't want to feel like she's betraying me. That's why I told her it was ok to hang out with her. There's nothing I can do about it anyway, they're going to be seeing a lot of this woman. I just have to grin and bear it.

My S4 will mention from time to time that he just wants to live with me and daddy. I tell him, me too.

I have to get out of this sadness for the sake of my kids. I know this. It's like sometimes I really just have to cry really hard and they follow me everywhere. It's hard to not do it in front of them. frown


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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jks,
I don't have any advice for you, I am not wise, just a shocked mommy like you. I felt your pain when I was reading your post and I just want to say that I am very sorry for what you are going though. I am sure one of the wise vets will come give you good advice, but a a follow mom with young kids I just wanted to say that you sound lie you are doing a good job with your kids and I am sorry for your pain.
((((()))))))
fighting


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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jks Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: TrentC
I think this is a common misconception. Ultimatums are controlling behavior; boundaries are not.

An ultimatum is "Do XXX or YYY will happen." Controlling

Quote:
A boundary is "I feel WWW when you do XXX. Because of that, if you do XXX then YYY will happen." Boundary because you explain your feelings; which should lead the other person to make an informed choice.

And YYY is OUR behavior.


This was taken from the boundary thread. So much good stuff there, btw. Thank you, gr8!! Now I just need to apply this to my own life. I have so many things to go over with H and I can't even bring myself to see him right now. Its like I'm trying to ignore that this is even happening, which I know isn't healthy. It probably would be best for me to suck it up and move forward with talking about what is to come and what boundaries need to be set, huh. *sigh*


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
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jks Offline OP
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My main focus today has been trying to keep my thoughts positive. If I have any hope of H wanting a R with me again, I have to be happy. (I can't even believe I'm saying that after everything I've been through with him.) I backslid so much after I found out about the PA and I probably ruined everything but, honestly, I still think my H has to think about me. How could he not? I'm not saying that I'm going to aggressively move towards trying to get him back. No way... I'm just saying that I know the potential that I have.

I know he fell in love with me for a reason and I am actively trying to find that girl again. If not for him, then for someone else. My negativity has been the death of me. I realize that more than ever right now. One thing that I've been really trying to keep my focus on is remembering that God has a purpose for this. It's happening for a reason. I am learning so much about myself. I'm growing from it. Which I otherwise would not have been able to do if my R was in the same state as it was before our separation. I know God will take care of me if I continue to keep Him in my life and trust in Him. Everything will fall into place as it should. This is what brings me comfort.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Posts: 1,544
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jks,
I can empathize what you're going through, and it stinks to say the last.

Remember this: your kids are watching and learning from you this very moment about how to handle a crisis. Every action you have with them they see how you respond to your situation.

Quote:
We've cried a lot together. I feel so awful that she's going through this and I don't know how to handle it.


Don't cry together. If she cries comfort her and let her know she is loved by both parents. Put it in a dialect she will understand. You may cry, but do it alone or with friends.

I'll post more later I have to run into work now.

Be strong.


Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
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