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#2241503 - 04/28/12 10:44 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: 2thepoint]
Merlot Offline
New Member

Registered: 04/28/12
Posts: 9
Hi,
My life was turned upside down on FEB 14. Without knowing it I've been doing the 180... My gosh it is hard when you also share a business with your spouse.

FEB 14 I ask my H what was wrong and he told me he didn't love me anymore. Crash & Burned my heart. He told me that he was unhappy and started to cry. First reaction on my end was all the usually stuff, am I not attractive anymore, I'm I too old (I'm 8 years older then my H). He did tell me I was his best friend. And I cried and got pissed off. He asked me if he should leave and promised to take care of me and my son. Holy Crap. I walked away for a few minutes so I wouldn't say something off the cuff.
Dusted myself off went to sleep, transferred myself onto the sofa and couldnt sleep a wink that night and met him at work like I have been doing for the last 20 years.
We had light conversation for days, didn't question him about his feelings
or spoke of mine. After a few nights of getting his back in bed I took the initiative. he seemed fine with that. I really missed him.

We have 14S together and a 26D who he raised from my first marriage. We both were married once before.

Our business takes my H on the road. He has been in France for the past two wks. For the bus. The night before he left I took a room at a hotel because I was either going to cry or scream at him. Friday (13) night I made arrangements for my son so I could be with H alone. When I called him to give him the good news he blurted out No! I was so hurt and it blew me away! I had a few drinks and spoke to him on the phone calmly
Later " I am not a drinker and I got toasted" on two drinks.
I am not sure what I said, no crying for sure. He told me he had a bad day and wanted to be alone. He always stays a the same hotel for a show we do every month, for years. Yes, I thought he may have been with someone.
Before this show he was in Texas for business for about two weeks. This was after FEB 14. When he does these shows the other guys are divorce and
are players and braggers, so it hit me that maybe this is MLC. The grass is green on the other side.


Anyway he is due home this week. we spoke the day he left and he was sweet and told me he understood why I didn't want to be home the night before he left. He text me from the AP and told me where his car was parked (always assuming I know what to do). He has called, but not often as he use and no I love you's, just once babe. I haven't said I love you either. I'm always the one to say it first anyway.

He's been buying himself nice gifts and not sharing the details until later on.

I'm picking him up at the AP this week, I don't know whether to do it on my own or take our son too. I'm nervous about how to act. The normal BS how was your trip, you must be beat.... I definitely won't bring "us" up but do I ever? Or months down the road. I did ask him when we spoke before the flight if he was returning back to the house when he returned and he said,"where else would I go?

I am so emotionally drained and confused. trust me I give him space,,, maybe too

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#2241591 - 04/29/12 03:10 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
today is another day. still feel sick. don't want to look at her. went to church with just the kids. they were horrible. no peace there. then laundry, grocery shopping and soon a pool party for my D. no help from the W. she has homework. instead of doing it fri or sat she wanted to go have drinks then talk on the phone all day. somehow its my fault it isnt done. oh well. getting used to being a scapegoat.

i fear i am turning into a WAS. i don't care a whole lot anymore. i feel broken. at the store there were couples shopping together looking happy. i just wanted to leave. probably forgot a bunch of stuff. i am not in a good mood and everything is getting to me. uuuggghh. i just want to sleep
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2241607 - 04/29/12 06:27 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: Merlot]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
merlot-

i feel for you. you are in a tough spot. i can understand the confusion. i just keep reading DR and coming to this site. there is alot of wisdom here. alot of compassionate people too. i have no idea what i'm doing so i post here for feedback.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2241609 - 04/29/12 06:46 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Merlot - Sorry you are hurting. I don't want us to hijack Heartbroken's thread so you should consider starting a thread of your own so that you can get your story out there and receive individual attention. Just click the "New Topic" button on the main newcomers page and start your thread there.

I'll be on the lookout for your thread.

Take care.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2241631 - 04/29/12 09:47 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: 2thepoint]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
so..the pool party was depressing. families with their kids. then theres just me with mine. felt like people were staring. probably weren't, just me being paranoid. kids were tired all day. i am looking forward to bed time in 10 mins. then i can have some peace. if the W leaves me alone. she is asking me questions right now. oh well.

i dont know if i'm detaching. i feel sad all the time, but i feel like nothing matters anymore. concerning my W anyway. my kids matter. i am not looking forward to only having them every other week. they are my world. my W keeps saying she might start dating if the opportunity comes up. she isn't looking though. its in our separation agreement that no dating is allowed. makes me sick. i wonder if she says it to me to get me mad. i have told her if she dates or has contact with OM we are through. i mean it 100%. i have forrgiven as much as i can. i would never be able to deal with it.

today has sucked.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2241646 - 04/29/12 10:20 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
HB - You need to ignore her comments, she is trying to get a rise out of you. Keep your focus on your kids and off your W. Let her go now. The better you are at truly detaching the better off you will be emotionally. And, if your W has any interest in working on the M, it will come about because you have detached.

I asked you before about your 180's and all you said was that you were keeping your mouth shut. Really? That's it? If you hope to reconcile your M you are going to have to do much better than that. What were your W's complaints. Think about this for awhile.

What has she said makes her unhappy? I would think drinking would be part of it, but what else? Unless and until you can be honest with yourself about the role you played in the demise of your M, you don't stand a chance of ever getting close to the point of working things out with your W.

You are going to have to dig deep. And the sooner, the better because this is going to be a long, hard slog for you.

So what are you going to do?
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2241664 - 04/29/12 11:20 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: 2thepoint]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
2-

start digging! she said i was rude to the kids. i would yell at them. i havent yelled at them for about 4 months now. its nice. i don't respect her. that one i'm way confused on. if i disagree im not respecting. drinking is a big one and that is a 180 im putting my all into. she said im controlling. i grill her over everything. that is a hard one for me. i'm trying not to grill her. then she grills me and i slip back into old behaviors. i really have some work to do there. those are the ones off the top of my head. i will continue to think on it.

thanks for your insight. you have given me alot to think about. i appreciate it.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2241758 - 04/30/12 12:28 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
okay..another day. i'm glad it is monday. work to do. i cant get the nagging feeling out of my head that she is still talking and doing whatever with the OM. how do i deal with this? i've tried being understanding but it isnt working. she says they are just friends. do i believe her? how? do i talk to him in person? she really really doesnt want me to. she called the cops on me for saying i was going to last week. i don't understand. she says she could lose her job because of it. probably should have thought about that before is how i think. how do i deal with a possible/probable affair? i kinda just want to walk away. i have told her there will be no "us" if this continues. good or bad idea? i need help
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2241760 - 04/30/12 12:33 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
You need to become a man only a fool would leave. How do you do that? By getting a hold of your emotions, detaching from your W and her choices, get a life doing things that make you happy and take your mind off your sitch, spend time with your kids doing things that are fun and will create lasting memories. Establish and maintain healthy boundaries.

There's ^^^^ your answer!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2241770 - 04/30/12 01:03 PM Re: My wife is leaving me.. [Re: 2thepoint]
Broken74 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 288
Hey Heartbroke,

2thepoint is on point as usual, totally agree with him.

I don't give advice much as I'm still learning, but when people start talking affairs and cops that's my area of expertise so I wanted to chime in. If you enjoy action/comedies take a look at my sitch sometime lol.

Whatever you were thinking about corresponding/visiting/thinking about this OM, stop and don't. This will only further fuel your W anger and if she's already called the cops could easily land you in jail. Trust me I know in that I ended up there after putting myself face to face with the OM after he wouldn't respond to my calls or emails.

There is nothing you can do aside from what 2thepoint suggested to change this. My wife told me directly months ago that had I backed off our situation would be totally different, I truly believe that. I went off the deep end and it got me nowhere and very well could have cost me marriage, don't make the same mistake.

Keep your wits about you and make yourself the man only a fool would leave. Good luck!
_________________________
me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!

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