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I know it seems like I'm not being consistent and I'm pretty sure that what you are saying about these emotions being a cycle and will probably change again a few times.

It's the cheating I'm really struggling with this week, I mean she's with the OM right now dancing with him. She openly tells me a few weeks ago that she's not going to stop dancing with him & doesn't care what I think. That has been replaying in my head over and over & it just makes me angry.

Even if things have cooled between them, I don't think I can get passed it while she still has contact with him, I'll never be able to begin to regain any trust for her while she carries on dancing with him.

I know what I want is to repair our M and stay together as a family, but I just can't see how I'm going to overcome this, without her breaking all contact, which she is not going to do.

The ML has been way more creative than it ever was even when we were 20 and that side of things is great. Although it's been nearly a week since we ML and that's probably got something to do with why I've been feeling so down.

Our wedding anniversary is the 30th next month & it is also the night of my graduation ball. My W was supposed to go with me, but doesn't want to now & even if I went with my friends, because of the date I won't be able to have a good time. This [censored]!! why can't you right sux without it getting censored? one of the reasons I took up ballroom dancing with my W was so that we could dance at this ball.

I think I'm just feeling a lack of motivation to DB this week & don't know if it's a lack of sex, my counselling session, the infidelity, UNI stress or a combo of all of this, that is just making me feel tired of it all.

I think I need to watch something motivational & snap out of this.

Thanks for the posts Bond , Ourboros

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
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Hi Bill,

I so get were you are at. I cycle between things as well, but I do try to stick with a medium term goal - even if my motivational fuel that keeps me going is as narrow minded and shallow as good old fashioned revenge. Don't get me wrong, I don't want revenge really, but that is entering my mind these days more and more. It's not healthy and at some point I will have to draw the line for my own sake, and walk away.

If that happens, at least we can say we tried. I can live with that.

However, I have set my deadline, my personal deadline of June, which has given me some peace and a goal to reach. I set it for June because I stopped pursuing all together in mid-March.

I was reading The Solo Partner last night, it said that once the pursuer stops pursuing, the distancer will go through all kinds of different reactions. But, if he or she (the distancer), does not respond in the direction of wanting to repair the R within 3-4 months of the pursuer stopping all forms of pursuit, then the emotions of the distancer are genuinely so far gone, it's best the pursuer move on and be happy.

It's not to say that a year down the road they won't then wake up and realize what they left, but I figure I might as well just be as happy as I can whilst I rebuild. At the moment, in this limbo land, I feel like I too am holding onto a hope that is interrupting my wellbeing. It might just come to a point where the balance of the scales tips more in favor of, "It's best to be alone and happy than to be cycling with no end in sight."

At the moment, there is still the possibility of a turnaround though.

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Correction: mid-June is my deadline - the 19th to be exact - before I start pushing for a proper and clean cut severance of the R.

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And even then, even if it all goes wonderfully fantastic and he comes to me and declares his love, and how stupid he has been, and apologises from the depth of his bowels, I have no idea whether I will have it in me to actually work through the trust issues.

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Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
She openly tells me a few weeks ago that she's not going to stop dancing with him & doesn't care what I think. That has been replaying in my head over and over & it just makes me angry.


So... her tactic is working, then...??

Only YOU can stop that, bill...

Any thoughts on how?

BTW: Of course she cares what you think you silly rabbit...

She WANTS you to be mad... that's just another form of caring...

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yeah, I'm also gonna say don't think they don't feel bad for what they are doing. They do feel very bad indeed. Probably worse than you. Not that she should be acting that way, but it sometimes helps to understand they are human too (even though sometimes there does seem to be a lot of room for improvement!)

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Just to be clear. So she's still seeing the OM AND you're having sex with her?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Hi Yankee

Wow - I've got some replying to do... Thanks guys for posting on my thread YC, KD & Bond I'll reply individually to your posts..

I think what went wrong for me this week (mentally) was how i dealt with my IC session on Monday. I felt really down after it & started questioning things that I hadn't thought about for a few weeks.

I think I needed some harsh words & a bit of straight talking to get me back on track. But I really was cycling around with my emotions this week, today seems a bit calmer & clearer, so I'm happy for that.

I think in regards to your point on limbo land, we just need to lower these expectations of ours. If I look closely at my own sitch there are some real signs of improvement, and that I just need to let things go at their own pace. I'm really happy with the exercising & GAL with my friends at the moment & I'm enjoying my UNI work again (just in time). I really don't need to over-think things with my W at the moment, just be aware of my actions & interactions with my W & work on my own confidence a bit more.

If we are both honest with each other no matter what we've been posting on here, the torches we hold for our WAS's are still burning & I'm not ready to put mine out just yet, even if it is burning my fingers.

Hang in there YC

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
Joined: Feb 2012
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Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
She openly tells me a few weeks ago that she's not going to stop dancing with him & doesn't care what I think. That has been replaying in my head over and over & it just makes me angry.


So... her tactic is working, then...??

Only YOU can stop that, bill...

Any thoughts on how?

Well I was handling it a lot better the past 3 weeks, by not thinking about it. I mean she does go with her friends as well & hasn't been coming home late from the dancing lesson or on her phone anywhere near as much, plus she's not going out anywhere near as much as she used to. Either she really has cooled things right off with the dance partner or she's just got better at hiding it. It's all a matter of trust for me on that front.

BTW: Of course she cares what you think you silly rabbit...

She WANTS you to be mad... that's just another form of caring...

So, just to clarify do you think my W wants me to be or show that I'm angry about this? - Oh man, women are such head workers sometimes!!


Thanks KD

I think that I can only really detach further away while she is acting out like this & not get drawn into it. Just need to get back on board with it & not let my emotions get anywhere near the surface at the moment.

Your post has made me think about these interactions & manipluations quite a lot. I think I need to reflect a bit more on these, because I clearly don't understand women well enough when it comes to this stuff.

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
Just to be clear. So she's still seeing the OM AND you're having sex with her?


Hi Bond

To answer your question, I don't know if she's still seeing the OM outside of this dance lesson. I don't think that she is because she's home most of the time lately. My W never confessed to sleeping with the OM & denied it - so I don't know about that either way.

up until Sunday I was still having sex with her, but I have not wanted to initiate anything this week since my IC session on Monday.

Do you think I'm being stupid still sleeping with my W in this situation?

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
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