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#2240506 - 04/24/12 10:45 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: YankeeCandle]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Originally Posted By: YankeeCandle
That is just wonderful Bill!! I am sooo happy for you!!!

Thanks YC - I was so happy winning that award & just in general this week, with how things are going.

Sounds like things are going just swimmingly - that is great. You have done a lot of good work, so it's bound to pay off.

I have a tutor meeting tomorrow and worked all day to get ready for it. I feel more than ready - but have another full year to go for my project. I have more confidence after today - feels like I am getting there.

You've been focusing on your UNI alot more lately so I'm sure you'll get good feedback on where you are up to from your tutor tomorrow.

Have you already started applying for jobs and such?

I've been accepted on a PGCE course - which is basically an initial teacher training course. 1 year post grad (Masters level). This starts in September & I'll get a bursary so I'll be ok for money while I'm doing it & then when that finishes - September 2013 - hopefully I'll be a teacher. But in the short term I'm just going to do some temping from the middle of next month until September.

Well, good luck with that. With all this positive energy you are exuding, you are bound to get something PDQ.

That last line is sooo freaky!! My last job that I got made redundant from was at a large bank and the department was called PDQ!! - scary stuff eek


Thanks for that Yankee - reading your post was a welcome break from my dissertation - It's about a quarter to midnight where I am & I'm still in the library trying to put a dent in my dissertation :-( It's due in on Monday - still got quite a bit to do, but I'll get there.

How's things been since your move with your H Yankee? Has the communication been a bit easier, since you spent all that time together doing the move?

Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

Top
#2241557 - 04/29/12 03:47 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
Hi Bill,

I am just finally able to sit down and read through all the different sitch's that are happening here in DB land. Thought I'd check in with you and see how you are doing.

Since the move - it's been strange. VERY quiet on both our ends now. Maybe it was all just too much for him in the end. I have no idea. He brought over all my stuff from his place, but I'm pleased to say he kept a photo of me. Otherwise, his place is now clear of my stuff.

Likewise, my place is clear of his stuff.

Like I said, it's gone REALLY quiet, so I have no idea what is going on. I fear that I'm gonna have to face the music here.

We didn't talk about anything during the move.

I oscillate between deep anger towards him and a feeling like 'what's the point, I can't get through anyway." - a futility.

It's funny but I feel more lonely here than I did in my old place - even though it was further out. It's going to take time to make this place feel like my home. I don't feel particularly settled yet and certainly not attached. I need to enjoy myself and have some good times. That will help a lot.

School tomorrow - what would I do without it!!!

How is the dissertation going?

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#2241594 - 04/29/12 08:00 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: YankeeCandle]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
Hi Bill,

I have been doing my masters in Photography and have changed my project entirely. I've been in two minds about changing the subject of my project because I didn't want to enmesh myself too much in my art, but I realise I am already in it whether I like it or not!

At first, I was going to be doing one about the evolution of human consciousness. Now, with the move and everything going on in my own life, I want to do one about relationships and lives in transition - including my own. I've already begun to photograph my life in transition - but I thought it would be interesting to photograph others in this process as well.

Since you are here in the UK, it might be easier to photograph UK based people. I may or may not use them toward my final but it would be incorporated in the research aspect of the project.

Are you up for it?

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#2245898 - 05/17/12 09:45 AM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Long overdue Journal Entry


Where to start... Well things have been quite distant lately between me and my W. I've been working really hard getting my UNI work finished during the last three weeks & it's almost over - tomorrow is my last dealine cool

During this time my W has pulled away quite a lot, going to bed really early, not wanting to spend any more time than she has to. This was kind of the drill just after the bomb.

I have been true to DB principles and not stepped up any pursuit and have respected her actions & wanting space. I have made an effort with conversation, asking how her day was, filling her in on what the kids have been up to etc. It's been hard, because she hasn't seemed engaged in these conversations & every opportunity she had to get a 'dig' in to me about something from the past, she did so. I haven't took the bait once & I am not going to unless it's a big issue.

A few times, mainly at the weekend, my W has made plans to take the kids out without inviting me (which may have been to leave me to study), but the kids have been asking me, are you coming with us to the park, museum etc... I've had to go along with the "too busy with study" answer, but inside I'm like, 'I'd love to come, I ain't invited'.
If I make plans with the kids, I still have the courtesy and ask my W if she wants to join us, knowing that she will 9 times out of 10 say no. This is important for me because I don't want to exclude my W from family time, if she chooses to exclude herself, that is her choice & different.

We are still living together, in the same bed and we have not had any R discussions, as we agreed on a R ceasefire until at least after my UNI work was finished. This has given me time to keep up my IC and get myself stronger mentally to prepare for either outcome, whether it be working through our issues or separation.

I know that we are going to end up talking about our next steps either before or after an upcoming holiday to Florida with the kids, and I feel like I'm prepared for these discussions.

The way I'm looking at things right now, is more positively. My 1st choice is for us to try & piece our M back together, and stay together as a family. My 2nd choice is to separate and see what life is like being single (I was 20 last time I was single).

Either choice is going to be hard, and both choices have their pay offs. I'm just staying positive, because either outcome will have its good and bad.

** This morning, my W was running late for work and when I went upstairs to get some clothes, she was just sitting on the bed and had been / still was crying. I asked her if she was ok, she said, 'I feel like crap, so fed up, my clothes look terrible on me, I feel fat, my hair is awful and I'm sick of moaning all the time'. I tried to reassure my W, by saying that she always looks great and that I loved her figure and her hair is really nice. I asked her if she needed a hug & went to give her a hug, but she rejected it and said it would make her worse. I offered to iron her skirt & complimented her on her new perfume, which cheered her up a bit, going to work & she has text me back since being at work letting me know she is ok, just having a bad day.**

Now, before anyone gets their 2x4's out on me, I'm not reading anything into this, other than she's been thinking about stuff. But that shouldn't stop you guys reading in to it for me wink

Bill

(sorry about the long post - 3 weeks since my last so please go easy on us)
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

Top
#2245915 - 05/17/12 12:55 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2806
Loc: VA
Hi Bill - you sound really good. You should continue to not read anything into what happened - you don't know if she's thinking about stuff or just like she said, having a bad day. But - do more of what works and less of what doesn't. She isn't in a place where she want hugs - but your compliment was well received. Your PMA is great, hang in there!
_________________________
Adinva 48 H49
T25 M21 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Happiness is a warm puppy.

Top
#2245941 - 05/17/12 01:57 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: adinva]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Hey thanks Adinva

Yeah I know it's pointless trying to mind read, although it did make me curious, seeing her upset as to what brought her to tears. Although I'm ready for these difficult conversations and just want to know what my next steps in life are, I'm going to give my W more time for her to think things over & when she's ready to bring up the R talk, it'll be the best time. I don't like being in limbo, but the positive way I've been looking at limbo for me is that every day in limbo is another day we are together as a family, without the kids getting hurt.

I had a great weekend away with some of my friends who I've known since school, went to stay with them. Visited a few nice pubs & we had a whiskey session, we each had to throw in some money, ended up drinking this japanese bottle which was very expensive, but so worth it & the hangover the next day crazy

One of my friends on the train down there asked me how my W was & how come she never comes out with me & if everything was OK between us. I just brushed it off & said that she was fine & that she was spending lots of time with her dancing friends. I'm not ready to let my friends know what is going on, I don't need their advice, just their friendship at the moment. If we do separate, then I will tell them of course, but right now I'm protecting our relationship, friendship and my family & ultimately me I suppose.

My individual counselling has been going really well, had a couple of sessions not so long ago that really took it out of me, made me think really deep about myself & what's important in my life. I really think I'm coming out of the other side of this now. I know I've got a lot of work still to do on mysself, but I think I'm getting there.

I know that if I work hard at UNI and get a teaching job, I'll be satisfied professionally - my control

I know that if I continue to be a great dad & spend as much time with my kids as possible - they'll love me as much as I love them - my control

I know that if I truly love my wife - I'll be there for her whether it's as a friend, lover or life partner - my control

staying Married or together in a relationship with my W - that's a 50/50 or an out of control situation, that i am just going to roll with & make the most of either outcome.

Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

Top
#2246163 - 05/17/12 11:14 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
I'm up late finishing off my last essay @ UNI which is all about reflective practice and I've been reading some work by a guy called Steve Duck. He's written loads about relationships and has related some good ideas about why so many people divorce, being due to unreasonable expectations in a society that has changed so much in the last 50 years.

Here's a little snippet that I think a lot of us can relate to...

Spouses are now asked to be satisfying lovers, caring friends, medical superintendents, financial providers, and even mutual therapists. Many are also faced with managing the stresses of family and two careers in the same household. At first we might see this as a welcome devleopment, but the increased importance of these competing roles has the paradoxical effect of making it more likely that the members of the family will fall short of the emotional demands placed upon them.

Duck, S. (2007)

I know some people on these boards, complain that divorce is too easy an option and what's wrong with people these days etc... I think that modern life is much more complicated, than it used to be and people lose sight of the important things, because life is messy.

Just something to ponder

Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

Top
#2246174 - 05/17/12 11:52 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2806
Loc: VA
hmmmm, Bill, it's good to put that out for discussion. For me, it doesn't ring true. Mr. Duck seems to think that the simpler life had less divorce because people weren't as stressed and didn't have so many expectations. I think people were unhappily married in the past as much as now, but divorce is easier and more accepted. In the past people just sucked it up. JMO, based on only anecdotal evidence.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H49
T25 M21 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Happiness is a warm puppy.

Top
#2246188 - 05/18/12 12:15 AM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: adinva]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Well I guess you could definitely argue that people were just as unhappy in their marraiges in the past, and that it was probably the stigma of being divorced that kept unhappily married couples together also. I just think though that the more time we fill up our lives being busy, with our careers, friends, (extended) family, children, and ME time, the less time we have to relate to our spouses and when things are rough, how easily this is exposed due to our other commitments.

I'm not saying this guy's ideas aren't flawed, or using this being busy as an excuse is a valid excuse, but I think it's a contributing factor as to why people can become consumed with other elements and stresses within their life, and not put the time in to make a healthy relationship work.

enjoying the discussion - Thanks Adinva smile
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

Top
#2246291 - 05/18/12 09:23 AM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Hey Adinva

just wanted to thank you for the advice about keeping on doing what works, 'compliments'. Last night my W had one of her girlfriends over so she could dye her hair for her and they were talking about changing their hair styles (normal stuff).

Well my W has been talking about changing her hair for like forever (well maybe 18 months...but who's counting) and in the past when she's mentioned it, I'd always encouraged her but been on the fence, you know, saying things like, 'I really like your hair the way it is now, but you would really suit having it cut that way too'. I think that was me verbatim and sums up just how indecisive I was.

The different me today, when my wife showed me how she wanted to have it cut, 'I could really see you with that look, oh yeah that looks great, it really shows off your cheek bones, you'd look hot with your hair like that'. She was smiling, really smiling like I haven't seen her smile in ages & I think she might just get that haircut, and she definitely had a spring in her step when she left the house.

Now there was a bit of flirting initiated by me and some received from my W, now I'm really happy with that interaction and I'm not expecting to have sex with my W later, which I think is a complete 180 for me.

I'm genuinely happy that I gave my W a nice confidence boost going to work and I'm starting to experience first hand, just how much better I feel when I'm confident and express myself directly and how much better my interactions are lately, in things I used to screw up all the time.

Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

Top
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