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#2246899 - 05/20/12 07:46 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: AJM]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast

I too have wondered, am I just having a pang of lonliness, or am I ready for a relationship? How do I even know when Im ready for a relationship? How does a person know if someone else is ready for a relationship?

I've been in the situation where Ive had to depend on myself for so long, that maybe I don't know how to have a relationship. Im to the point that I know Im the only person I can depend upon so I've worked on a relationship with myself. Still have a long ways to go. I just wish I had someone to lean on and take care of me once in a while. It's hard trying to pump up what used to be my " essence" when Im running on empty alot of the time. However I think alot of that could be due to some physical problems Im having too. I've noticed that physical problems and emotional problems go hand in hand. In my case, I can't tell if it's the chicken or the egg story going on here!

Im worried about choosing the wrong person more than anything. I don't want to hurt anyone, absolutely not. I also don't want to get hurt either. It all seems so scary.

Yes the girls have a father, but I could use some help with them here at home. I don't want to depend on him for help with them. We even tend to clash on our parenting styles too. I guess this is the type of 180 sitch Im in with their father that drives so many spouses insane. He went from being an absentee parent to jumping in the middle of everything, acting as if he was trying to make up for lost time with them. He started stepping up to the plate and offering help in ways that he NEVER would've done here at home, and never did when I asked it of him. Gee now all the sudden when I tell him I need some help he's at the front door with his shining armour and noble steed here to help. Hell he was even willing to help me with personal favors. Then when money gets involved, I found out once again he's being secretive and still can't be honest with me!

I haven't gotten over my anger and resentment enough with their father to be able to let him cross my safety zone yet. I don't want him interfering and involved on my turf. I don't get involved with his turf, but he tries to get involved on mine. Ya, I know...put is aside for the kids sake. Well it's not going to work for me until I get over some stuff, and that's going to take at least one more year.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2246910 - 05/20/12 09:07 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: AJM]
hrm134 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/07/12
Posts: 254
Hey Kimmerz! Just wanted to say, when you said this, "We the LBS go through all these changes. We start out doing it in hopes to get our marriages back, but end up making these changes for ourselves. We can see our changes, other people can see our changes, but the one person we really want the most to see them and accept us with open arms.....well they don't seem to see us." It was like you were totally in my head! I think about that a lot... it's sad.... but it is what it is I suppose. Whatever is meant to be will be, I'm glad you are doing well. smile

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#2246960 - 05/21/12 01:04 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: hrm134]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3015
A year? Well, at least you know what and how long, right? smile


AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2246968 - 05/21/12 01:42 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: AJM]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast
Yes AJM..... A year.

A year because 2 steps forward 3 steps back for me emotionally.

Remember, you're seasoned at this.

I am not.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2247105 - 05/21/12 03:44 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3015
Gotcha. I was asking why the time minimum/limit though mostly.

Seasoned? lol. I guess I am to some degree. Then again not...

Take your time K. I was only half smiling when I said at least you know how long you need.

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2247308 - 05/22/12 04:22 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: AJM]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast
OMG....

What is wrong with me? I was just sitting down journaling the qualities I would like in a new partner.

I started journaling all the things I would like to do with this new person.

And guess what I did and didn't even know it at first? I wrote down all the incredibly romantic things my XH used to do when the passion was still white hot between us.

Now Im crying...DAMN IT!

How on earth do people actually move on to new relationships after long term marriages? How do you do that without intuding thoughts of your XH, hell even people that have been widowed? How do you do this?

I feel haunted by him. How will I ever be able to have a physically intimate relationship with someone ever again without XH popping into my head?

And though this is completely off the subject all the sudden I've had a thought with me all day today.

Why do MLCers become such liars? I guess if I was going through MLC I could answer that. XH cousin had an MLC a few years ago...and boy was she a liar. She and her husband went to counseling and reconcilled, but stil have alot of problems.

This is where Im 2 steps forward 3 steps back. It's like Im ready to move on with my life and feel Im doing pretty good. But I still have days where EVERYTHING reminds me of him or our life together. I tried fighting it with all my might, tried pretending it didn't exist, and just delete it all from my memory down to a simple acceptance that he and I have kids with eachother and that's all.

Guess what? It doesn't work. Im faced with it every day. I see so much of myself and him in our children with each passing day. Our 9 year old has all the stubborness and strong will he and I both have. Our 12 year old has all the kindness, compassion, and tenderness, anxietys and self esteem issues we both battled as teens. My d12 inherited Xh gift for technology. My d9 inherited XH gift for organization and goal setting. They both have our sense of humor.

I feel like the good part of him died years ago and all that's left is this alien monster that allows the good part to peak out once in a while. I've said all along, that person is not my husband. His very own mother said " that is not my son" by the way she's seen him act.

Im going to bed and Im going to have a good cry!
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2247314 - 05/22/12 05:33 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Oh, kimmerz. I completely understand. I've had the same kind of day as you. I burst into tears when I got home from work. I am so lonely and starving for affection from my H. I don't know how I could ever get involved with someone else. I think it would just make me miss my H more. I don't know how people move on, but clearly they do. Maybe it's a choice we're not ready for.

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#2247315 - 05/22/12 05:38 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2304
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Hi Kimmerz...I think if I did that exercise I would end up where you did if my sitch paralleled yours...idk...maybe try the exercise from the other end?

The list of deal breakers?

smile

T^2
_________________________
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2248571 - 05/25/12 10:55 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: TSquared2]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast
Can anyone post a link here on the site that describes the distancer and pursuer dance somewhat? Maybe give me the name of a website?

I looked online at Amazon at the The Solo Partner. I really had hoped I could get it through kindle but it's not available. I did come across a great site online that had a man doing live you tube videos on marriage counseling/relationships, and distance/pursuer was one of them. I learned alot in 3 minutes.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2248577 - 05/25/12 11:25 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 19005
Loc: Maryland
Kimmerz,
Did you try looking up Phil DeLuca author, of The Solo Partner? You may be able to find out more this way.

The distancer and pursuer dance is this (in very simple terms): Your spouse may be very distant from you and you, as the lbs, will pursue them. For example, your h may not have much contact w/you, but you continue to call, email or text him about anything and everything...thus you are the pursuer. Another way to look at this is that you are in a no contact mode w/your mlcer. The mlcer will sense this and start sniffing around you again. Maybe calling w/excuses, etc. He is pursuing you in this case. Once he has you interested and on the hook once again, the dance of distancer/pursuer begins anew. The only way to break this cycle is not to react to anything he says or does when he attempts to bait you and get you hooked once again.

If you do some research and in the mlc archives, there was a lot of discussion about this dance.

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