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#2244345 - 05/10/12 04:13 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 776
Loc: West Coast
My Question is: Why would he even care if I was mad at him at this point? I don't care if he's mad at me. There's absolutely nothing he can do to me now if he gets angry with me. Nothing. He can't with hold money. His wages will be garnished. If he chooses to make the kids the messenger then he chooses to do it. Eventually that will cause him more trouble in the end because I won't tolerate that either, and don't even have to speak to him to deal with it. The girls know not to make any plans with Dad outside of their scheduled visits without speaking to me first. And they're very good about that, believe me he's tried.

Well once again Im just baffled as to why he's acting this way, he is NOW starting to act OPPOSITE of what he was a year ago and years before then. It has my attention but I will play it cool.
_________________________
M=40 XH=41
M=18 T=21
D13 D9
Divorced 4/2012

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#2244348 - 05/10/12 04:19 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2135
Loc: Rocky Mountains
idk, Kimmerz, idk...

But isn't this flipping and flopping all over the place par? All we can do is play it cool and see what happens, if anything...

Hang tough!

T^2
_________________________
There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly.-Buckminster Fuller

Uncertainty is the very condition
which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2244350 - 05/10/12 04:25 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 18306
Loc: Maryland
Believe it or not, mlcers can't stand for people to be angry w/them. He considers you a friend and doesn't want you angry because he's not sure if you will tell others about the situation. Keep in mind, they want to come off looking like peaches and cream here and not wacky poo.

I bet he received the information it the mail and is feeling guilty for setting it aside. Bottom line, "mom" may have reminded him that he didn't complete the necessary information that was required. They tend to put things aside and not get to the right away...feeling guilty for you catching him w/his forgetfulness? Most likely.

I'd roll w/the situation and see how it plays out now.

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#2244403 - 05/10/12 09:06 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: job]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/12
Posts: 655
I don't know, kimmerz. As I've said before, I'm a big believer in seeing people for who they are today. That might be incredibly naive when dealing with a MLCer. I'm questioning my H's motives right now, also, since on the surface they seem to be in my best interest. However, I don't want to be jaded and always assume the worst about him and I would caution you about the same. I did read that abandoners need to believe they are good people so they will do things to convince themselves of this and ignore their destruction. I guess there is no real way to know other than asking. BTW - one of the "agreements" in the book that I told you about is "Don't make assumptions. Have the courage to ask questions." People often assume the worst. In my situation, I don't have the courage right now, partly because I really need distance and don't want to communicate, but partly because I'm hoping that the good deed is part of a possible reconiliation. I know that's so remote, but I just can't handle anymore of the truth (loose word) right now. Are you possibly considering your XH's actions because you still have hope? I guess there must be external and internal pressure to move on once a D is final. Maybe at this point you're more fascinated then hopeful. Either way, try to keep your heart open and receive his gift of cooperation. Oh, how I wish I could follow my own advice!

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#2244455 - 05/11/12 02:26 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: golf mom]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 776
Loc: West Coast
Well I've been to this rodeo before. A year ago he did this. He kept saying over and over again, in emails, in texts, in person. " i know you're going to hate me. I just don't want you to hate me. I know you think it's all my fault. I know you blame me for everything. You don't want to be my friend".

I know I keep beating this dead horse, but then he invited me and the kids over to his place for BBq and to see their room ( this was about a month before OW..that I know of) and he gave me a tour of his complex and showed me the laundry room. He kept asking me if I was ok, and I said No I wasn't. I walked away and he grabbed me from behind, wouldn't let me go and hugged me from the behind and said " Im just so afraid you're going to hate me, I don't want you to hate me". I told him " Im working really hard on not hating you".

I made assumptions that his actions meant he wanted to reconcile. When I called him on it, he told me that he never had any intention of trying to fix our marriage and the fact that we slept together didn't fix anything but it wasn't meaningless and that he was sorry, but he was just drunk and Lonely at the time. Sorry for confusing me, the kids, and himself. But that all he's felt like was friends for 6 years and he doesn't have those type of feelings for me anymore. That absolutely devastated me, to hear that I was literally used by my own husband.

Im really angry right now so Im going to let out a little spew of my own. Though he has gotten my attention, by his random acts of kindness, the thought that he's still obsessed about not looking like an A$$hole to me or society DOES NOT IMPRESS ME. It doesn't impress me BECAUSE, he is doing it for the wrong reasons. I think he feels that if he can get my "blessing" for what he's done, then I will skip around town telling everyone one what wonderful person he is and we still have a wonderful relationship even though we're divorced.

Infact it makes me more angry that he's got to get into so much hot water before he takes note of his actions and tries to make up for it. But see I don't think he's doing it because he's truly sorry for the hurt he's caused me or the kids. I think he's doing it make himself "look" better by doing the right thing. Because he's so emotionally warped and unavailable . it's like he's mechanical to be honest. He does and says all the right things, but there really isn't any meaning behind it. I think there's maybe a small gratification or a void that's temporarily filled, but grasping the true emotion compassion, empathy, sorrow, I don't think he really gets that. It's almost like he's a robot or something.

Golf Mom I guess I've just become very hardened. I do not trust that man because trusting him has only brought on betrayal and lies. I have no desire to be friends with him, though my small communications have been my way of testing the waters with him to see if he bolts and runs and starts spewing, or if he steps up to the plate and acts noble.

I will get that book and read it. I think I better just come right out and ask him why he's being so nice to me and get a few things straight with him.

Whew....now see I just went threw a big hissy fit, all for what?
_________________________
M=40 XH=41
M=18 T=21
D13 D9
Divorced 4/2012

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#2244484 - 05/11/12 09:45 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/12
Posts: 655
I totally get it, kimmerz. I guess I just want to believe that all of these WS's will do the right thing in the end and that all our suffering wasn't for nothing. I just can't wrap my mind around the devastation that they cause even though I'm living it. How do these people just throw away long term marriages, their families, financial stability, etc.? What do they gain? Why does it take so long, beyond the window of reconciliation in most cases, for the reality of what they've done to sink in? These are all hypothetical questions, of course. I so wish that your XH would snap out of this and realize how lucky he is to have someone who is willing to invest so much of themselves into having a good marriage. I can't imagine the OW really has a clue. I'm just so sad for you and what you've been through. All of your personal growth will payoff. You can create the life of your dreams. It just takes time and a lot of patience.

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#2244501 - 05/11/12 10:46 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2135
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Hi Ya Kimmerz,

If H has cluster B traits, then what the external world thinks of them does play very prominently in their mind. W has some HPD/BPD traits (which were amplified this past fall/winter, and from what I have read, is common for the mid-lifers to have these traits ramp up) which I can now see going back to day one of our R, as we all have analyzed things and see what was was always there that was off our radar, or, we chose sub-consciously to overlook or deny. If you're like me, it is hard to let go of the fact that this stuff was always there, why didn't we see it?? Heck, I have a psych degree and counseling experience, you'd think I just might have figured it out....but love, and hope that they will get better put on the minimizing blinders for me.

But we know better now, don't we?

And that knowledge will go into any future R, whether new person or reconciled spouse, which is why

Quote:
all our suffering wasn't for nothing


Your hissy fit helped you put things together, helped you grow...

So what if he skips around town thinking he is all wonderful....many will know different, especially him, deep inside.

What are you doing this weekend for YOU and your KIDS?

Hang in there!!

smile

T^2
_________________________
There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly.-Buckminster Fuller

Uncertainty is the very condition
which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2244603 - 05/11/12 06:52 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: TSquared2]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 776
Loc: West Coast
Hi all,
What Im doing this weekend for me and the kids is to relax and have fun in the sun!

The kids are back this afternoon from 2 days with their father. D9's friend is coming over for an overnighter. Im well prepared with pizza, chips, and soda. Xh would've never gone for this unless they stayed in their rooms, were quiet and didn't disturb him. I plan on getting my lawn mowed. Yard work is fun and I like it if it's not too big of a job. I did myself a favor and hired some people to mow part of the yard what was out of control. They did such a good job and were so thrilled to get the work.

In the mean time I need to take the time and wipe absolutely everything down that I can get my hands on with vinegar. All my cats spray and have a pissing contest constantly. Interesting.... when Xh moved out the spraying stopped. The week he started coming over daily to pick the kids up for school it started again. It doesn't matter where the girls put their overnight bags, the cats will find it and pee on it, because they smell XH.

I think I will read my Suze Orman book and try to check out the 4 agreements through the online library. I think learning to get extra smart about money is a wonderful gift I can give to myself, but my children too. I've been pretty good about money but not as clever in how to divide it up in really fruitful ways.

Now all I need to do is get a massage, pedicure, manicure, and haircut and I will really be feeling good.
_________________________
M=40 XH=41
M=18 T=21
D13 D9
Divorced 4/2012

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#2244865 - 05/13/12 01:17 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 776
Loc: West Coast
And Happy Mother's Day!

Here it is Mother's Day, and I've spent the majority of yesterday angry and this morning angry.

I've been reading about PA behavior and co parenting issues.

Why am I so angry I keep asking myself? Why can I be ok and practially not give a hoot anymore then just one thing happens and Im set off? Is this PTSD?

What set me off was hearing how XH calls his mother frequently in his truck, on cell phone, stereo speaker, with the kids. And another, him making contact with me about child support garnishment papers and actually helping me with that.

The first thing I thought was " gee all he ever did was ignore his mother for years when she would come over to visit. I had to remind him of her birthday and mother's day constantly". That in regards to the child support I thought" I still can't believe this. A few months ago it was all my fault he was broke and that he wasn't obligated to pay it in the first place, but all he did was give and give and I still wanted more".

Now the about face turn around. What the hell is he trying to prove?

I think what's bothering me, is that he really must be happy since he left. He calls his mom and checks in on her, I hear how he appears to be such a caring and attentive father from other people, My SIL even indicated that she didn't think Xh would ever be depressed again now that he's so happy. He's completely gotten aboard the Co parenting wagon and is consistent in making the first move in cooperating with me and communicating with me.

I've done some reading on the relationship addiction people have when coming out of a narcissistic relationship. There are certain personality traits these people have and this has everything to do with the circular emotions and spinning the wheels. I met 9 out of 12 traits.

I guess what bothers me is that it really does make me feel like I was the one at total fault for him being miserable. Mind you he's been acting this way before the divorce was final. I expected him to take a turn and go back to jerkville but he continues to act decent.

This doesn't make sense to me...but Im angry that he's being so nice and coming on so strong! It's freaking me out and everytime I have ANY interaction with him, no matter how short and to the point I try to make it, I feel like he drags it out with lengthy words and him actually trying to "fix" things.

His flip flopping is making me crazy.

I told my best friend about his sudden changes and even she looked bewildered. Her only thought was " well maybe he just decided it wasn't worth it anymore to be mean and nasty".

I know what I need which is literally NO CONTACT with him. But this is impossible, Modified Contact is all I can do. Yet modified contact is like having to endure hell all over again somedays!

I guess this is my mind set. He wanted out. He left. He wanted a divorce. He filed. He wanted a new piece of A$$. He moved her in. He didn't want to help the girls during their suffering, he wanted to blame me and make it my fault. He didn't want to co parent he wanted to fight. He got his divorce. WE are done. I expect to be left alone. Let me live my life AWAY FROM YOU.

Yet he's so ever present.

I do not like him as a person. He may be the father of the girls, but as far as Im concerned he's just a creep.

This just goes against every fiber of my being...having to stay involved with someone that I have no desire to be around, have anything to do with, hear about, etc. If I don't like someone, it's for a good reason. And by all means, I do NOT have anything to do with them.

UGH.....I gotta let this conflict with him go, I know I do. I just don't know how to re wire my thinking. To me having to deal with him, it's almost "dirty" in a way to me. It makes me feel emotionally, mentally, and spiritually raped.
_________________________
M=40 XH=41
M=18 T=21
D13 D9
Divorced 4/2012

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#2244924 - 05/13/12 09:39 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/12
Posts: 655
I totally understand, kimmerz. I'm having the same kind of day. I wish I had something to offer. I know someone with more insight and wisdom will respond with comforting words. In the meantime, please know that you are heard. I feel your anger and sadness. You are still grieving. I've read, probably here, that once we heal we will no longer hate. Your strong feelings might be an indication that you still have feelings for your XH who continues to reject you. I know that you're disgusted by him and what he's done to you and your family, but it's OK to still love him if that's how you feel. I am struggling the same way. How can I love someone who can seemingly care less about me and the boys. We've all been cheated and the truth is we'll never be the same. We will heal, but the experience will stay with us. We will never get the time back that we spent grieving rather than enjoying our children and our lives in general.

FYI, snodderly has my email address for you once you track hers down. You'll find it quickly using the information that was posted on my thread (can't remember it right now).

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